Elbert's Birthday

February 8th.... Elbert's birthday.... Oh how many birthdays we celebrated together!!

But, today things were not the same. Instead of our little quiet dinners in a restaurant somewhere, or dinner at home with a homecooked meal and presents, I awoke to a dark, dreary day. I knew it was not going to be a good day, that's for sure!!

Shirley came to pick me up and we were joined by granddaughter Brittany and little Dylan. We enjoyed a late breakfast at IHOP. Dylan really enjoyed his food. He's learning to use a fork and more food ended up on the floor than in his tummy.

Then on to the cemetery to place birthday flowers on Elbert's grave. The following pictures are how the visit went.

                                                         'Hello, GPa. I came by to visit you. I'm growing like a weed and having fun. Sorry I never got to meet you but Mommy says you were the best Papa ever'.

'Gigi says that she needs me to help her place some flowers here for you. She says you loved to grow things. I bet you grew lots of flowers just like this...... Here, is this in the right place, Gigi?'

'Gigi, what do you think? You think we fixed them just like he'd like them?..... Oh good, I'm glad'

'Dylan, that is your GPa. See his name right there. He would have loved all you little guys so much. I'm so sorry he isn't here to be with all of us'

'Well, GPa, we gotta go now. Mommy says we do, so I will give you a big hug and I promise I'll come back to visit you soon'.

And, so ended our visit at the cemetery. Yes, I am bawling as I do this post. It's tough, girls, really tough. I hate it!! But, I will wake up in the morning and go on with whatever my life requires. And, I will feel so blessed to have had him for more than 60 years.

New Perspective

A trip to my daughters in New York always fills me with new thoughts, new plans... I promise myself 'I'm gonna do this or do that when I get home' and then I return to the daily grind and I forget about the promise. But, I am sure going to try to change all of that.

What I wanted to talk with you about today refers to a long talk me and Susan and Shirley had on Sunday morning. I talk with my children about my grief. They grieve, too, and it helps to just put it out there and share. Although I am always open with them, I found, on Sunday morning, that I wasn't being OPEN with myself.

I have spent this past year, after losing Elbert, trying to 'find myself'.

                                    Who was I without him?
                      Who was I going to be in the years to come?

Shirley reminded me that I know who I am, it's finding out what PURPOSE I now have that is my biggest trial. My purpose since I was nearly 17 was to be a good, loving wife to Elbert,

 to be a good, loving mother, (pictured here with my son at his wedding)

then I strived to be a good, loving caretaker to my Mother

 and then to Elbert.

I had 'purpose'. It drove me, it defined me.


2011 was a year filled with indecisiveness, confusion, it was a 'lost in a fog' year. And, it spilled over into the new year. I have been struggling so much. One day I think I have it figured out and the next I am right back not knowing what to do.

I just wonder how many other widows go through this phase. Am I the only one? How do I get out of it?


As I said, the talk with my daughters (as we stood in Susan's kitchen) found me opening up about so much. I knew that as I began to crawl out of the initial shock of losing Elbert, I began doing 'Normal' things. Hey, I must be getting SO much better. I'd tell myself, Tomorrow, I will be over all this. Talk about denial!! Oh, that's another step of grieving... denial is. So, I denied to myself and everyone around me that I was moving right along, I was getting over this depression, this grief. Oh yes, I still cried, I still ached... but, hey,  I'm a big girl. I handled yesterday so I will be even better today.... Denial!!


I made plans, I moved on with my life, I told myself those things. I made trips, I cleaned house, I enjoyed my family, I saw my friends.  And, I tried to help a widower who is in worst denial than I am and you know the story about that. I going to be the caregiver again. THAT WAS IT.... I was so used to being a caregiver I just didn't know how not to be. When would I turn loose of that?

When would I start thinking about what it was I wanted out of life?


The girls told me I needed to 'step out of my box', meet new people, do new things, find that PURPOSE that made me happy and fulfilled me.


I opened up to them about my loneliness. I have always liked MY SPACE,...  I mean I had MY SPACE before there was ever a MY SPACE on the internet. I was basically an only child, living in a household of adults. I grew up that way, then I married a man who was gone a lot. Uncle Sam saw to that. When he retired he enjoyed his hunting, fishing and I enjoyed MY SPACE. It's just who I am. But, loneliness is something else altogether. My children have their own lives and I would never 'hang on to my kids'. My friends, well,  almost all of them have husbands. So, yes I am lonely and I think that is why I graviated toward helping out the widower. It gave me a purpose, it was what I was used to.


So, I came home from my visit in New York filled with ideas. I hope you gals can help keep me on track. Now let me fall into that slump again.


1. I am thinking of joining a gym.
     Reason: I am overweight, out of shape and need to be healthier. And, I would meet new people.


2. I need to finish a novel I started before Elbert got so bad I had to put it aside.
     Reason: I have always liked to write. I feel that my time to actually do a worthwhile book is now.


3. I need to take care of myself
      Reason: I've never had time to think about myself. I now have time to do anything I want to and I should pursue what makes me happy and keeps me active.


4. Take one day at a time
      Reason: I have spent the last year trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I may not have a tomorrow or next year. None of us have that guarantee. I need to enjoy each day and stop being so confused about all the crap. Excuse my language there. But, I have let crap just fill my brain and I am not stopping to enjoy moments, be happy in my own space.


So, I have work to do. Get healthier... finish my novel..... think about me for a change.... and stop trying to make it so dang hard. Life is a journey, I need to enjoy the trip.

New Territory

                                                
As all of you know, that have followed this blog, of my and Elbert's journey through Alzhiemers, that I have always been open and honest with you. I hope that some of what I have experienced has been helpful to you. Just jotting it down in black and white has helped me deal with all the trials and goodness knows you all have been so sweet, so caring.

So, I am going to talk about something that is definately 'New Territory' for me. Some of you have never considered this (and are not at that point in your life) and some of you may have thought about it, some may have already covered this new way of life for themselves. There is no road map to guide you.

I am talking about opening up yourself, your life to another person of the opposite sex. The years of caregiving are gone, the pain and suffering of losing someone you love so deeply is getting a tad easier (and I said, a tad).... and you start to think about being alone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! You miss the sound of a man's voice, a tender hug, a sweet kiss. You know you can never have those things again with your spouse, however, there comes a time when you begin to know that you are human, that you are lonely, that you need companionship.

I started having some wee thoughts creep in to this weary, vacant mind of mine. I know that 'I'll never marry again' and living with someone is not 'my thing' either. I didn't really like these thoughts but they came and went. And, then I got into this situation recently that I wanted to share with you.

A girlfriend of mine was concerned about a friend of hers who had lost his wife some months ago. He never talked about his pain, never dealt with his grief, but sat staring at the tv and he was very lonely. So, when she asked if I would be willing to go to lunch with him I said yes. I'd been in that same frame of mind, maybe I could help.

I met him in Nov. and by the middle of Dec. (when his wife had been gone about 6 months) I began picking up on subtle hints that he thought there was a future for us. Then he became less subtle!! I wasn't ready to have a romantic relationship and I sure didn't think he had moved past the 'denial' stage of his grieving. What to do...... it was a dilemma I was totally unfamiliar with and one I was so uncomfortable with. I knew that it was time for me to say goodbye to this gentleman. And, so I did.

It's difficult to know when the right time is (if ever) to move on with your life. Evidently the time is not right for me and it may never be. I was married to the best. And, I found it awfully hard not to compare!!
I would never advise anyone on what they should do with their life but I will say this. Be careful as you move past your deep grieving so that you may be fully in tune with what you need, what you want and what and who you are willing to let into your life. Go slow, be sure. It's difficult to be alone so I am not saying that you should never have companionship again. I know many 'second marriages' that have worked and turned out very happy. That course to take is for the individual to determine.

The nights are long, the way is rough and there is much soul searching that I have to do. However, there is a new day dawning and what it holds I know not but I vow that it will be exciting and it will be what I want, what I need and I will be okay. That's what Elbert would have wanted for me.

A New Year

                                                                           2012

It's a new year, a new day, a new life, a new..... hmmmm, let's see, what else is new.
                                                            
Two 1/2 weeks ago Elbert and I would have celebrated our 61st anniversary.

One week ago I got through the first Christmas without him.

Today I prayed for guidance, 'Please, Lord, just show me the path I must follow'. And, He answers prayers... already... That's fast, Lord? Was I that desperate that You put me on Speed Answer!!

I'll sit down sometime this afternoon and start a new 'yearly' journal. My life is pretty well documented on those pages in cheap black and white composition books. You'd think I'd write my 'doings' in a fancy journal but my life is what it is, fancy paper or no.

Tomorrow I will start a new schedule, a new outlook, a new way of thinking and try to keep myself busy for the next few days. You see, it will be a year ago on Jan. 3rd that I lost my sweetheart. Lord, just get me through this week and then I think I can make it through the rest of my life.

On Friday the 6th I will celebrate my 78th birthday. Life goes on. I am ready, Lord. Just keep showing me the way.

I'll Have A Blue Christmas

I can hear that baritone voice of Elbert's singing 'I'll have a blue, blue Chistmas without you'. His voice was not extra-ordinary in any way and some songs he just couldn't carry a tune to but this was one song that he sang that I thought sounded as good as any recording I ever heard. That, and 'I'll be home for Christmas, just you wait and see'....

If those songs come on the radio or my cd player I quickly switch to something else. It just breaks my heart to hear them. No, he will not be home for Christmas this year and yes, I will have a blue, blue Christmas.

There will be plenty of mistletoe and laughter and food and family but the one person that held it all together is missing. Christmas will never be the same again. However, the family is here, the little ones with their eyes all aglow, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight. There will be tons of food, which I don't need, but I will eat anyway. Hey, I have an excuse, Christmas comes but once a year. Dieting can start the day after!! There will be gifts to open and oooh and aaaah over.

This first Christmas without Elbert will be filled with so much sadness. Memories of the past, happy ones, but it is time to make new memories with the newest generation that he and I were responsible for starting.

Emotions... they run high

Yesterday was the Wreaths Across America where live wreaths are laid on every veterans grave in the United States. I awoke early and headed to the cemetery. As I drove along in the cold, crisp air my mind wandered  back to a similiar morning so many years ago on Dec. 10, 1950. It was on a day just like today that Elbert and I were married..... 61 years ago.

At the cemetery, I waited while the large truck arrived with the wreaths and then I got into line, along with tons of other people, to help place the greenery.

 Once I had the wreath in hand, I walked to where Elbert lay and leaned the circle of green against his tomb. It didn't look right to me and, as I straightened it, tears sprang to my eyes. So many memories, so much pride, such longing for days of yore when we were young and happy.

The ceremony followed at noon. We had a long moment of silence to honor those who had deceased. I could visualize the thousands, tens of thousands of loved ones, workers, volunteers who at this very moment sat with their heads bowed across the spanse of land from Maine to California and beyond. My heart filled with gratitude that what small part Elbert had played in keeping this country safe was being recognized and appreciated.

There was the placing of colors, the pledge to the flag, and I looked over and saw an old gentleman standing with his gnarled hand resting above his right eye in salute. I remembered the numerous times I had seen Elbert give a salute to his fellow officers, everytime he boarded the ship, when he was saluted himself. And, I remembered the last time I had seen Elbert give a salute. Our grandson was visiting and he begged his aging grandfather to don his Lt. uniform. Elbert was already deep into Alzheimers so we just slipped the jacket on and placed his hat on his head. Elbert slowly stood up and gave his grandson a salute.

For the final part of the ceremony, a bagpiper led the crowd to where the very first 25 veterans were interred in this particular cemetery.

 I stood watching as each member of some branch of service honored the person they had just placed a wreath for.

And, then the bugler began Taps...

and my mind flashed back to January 5th of this year when another bugler played Taps for Elbert's funeral.

The music for Taps is so solemn, so sad. I wonder what was going through the young mans mind when he wrote those notes first on paper. I listened to every note ringing out over the white stone tombs and I felt at peace knowing that Elbert was resting and at peace in a place where his service was truly appreciated.

As the last notes of 'Amazing Grace' vanished out of the bagpipes Shirley, John and I walked back to Elbert's grave.

 We visited at the site for a few minutes and then we walked away, daughter and wife of the veteran we loved, arm in arm.

please go to my other blog http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/ to see other pictures

Hmmmm.... Puzzling Question

I was having lunch with girlfriends the other day when one (a widow of about 2 years) started talking about certain widows in our town who have taken off their wedding rings. It seemed to disturb her a lot and she explained that she considered herself and her husband still married and always would.

She just kept talking about it and then asked to see my left hand!! I pulled it up from my lap (we were eating lunch, you know, and being the etiquette queen that I am.. hehe.., I did have my hand in my lap). She glanced at it and saw that there was a ring there and said, 'Oh, you still have yours on'.

I so could have said 'yes' since she didn't notice and assumed it was my wedding ring. (It was costume jewelry)  It could have slipped by so easily but I HAD to explain. What is it with Southern Gals who think they have to explain every little detail about every little thing? So, I am telling her that I have arthritus in my knuckles and can't wear my wedding rings anymore. Did she not notice this before Elbert passed away or is it more relavant now than it was then?

So, you know me, I got that on my mind and I just wondered what the protocol is on wearing rings. If they still fit, I mean. Elbert is still, and will always be, the other half of me. However, our physical partnership is gone. Does that mean we are still married? The vows say 'until death do us part'. In a huge sense I feel married and yet in another I don't. Is that strange? or a bad thing? The partner that I made a lifelong contract with on our wedding day is not here to hold me, help me make decisions, share in my joys and pain. I feel disconnected from that partnership because of that.

This is a new struggle I am having in this 'grieving process'. If I am to move on, I need to know in my heart what I am to carry with me to this new place in my life. Oh geez, life sure is tough. I guess I will take each day as it comes and one of these days it will become clear to me. If not, I'll be okay.

Train Wreck or Not?

I ran across this quote from Corrie Ten Boom and knew that I wanted to share it with all of you. It says,

'When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.'

Wow, that's pretty powerful. Regardless of what we face in life, regardless of what age we are, regardless, regardless we don't jump off the train!! Nothing is more true than when we are caring for a loved one with Alzheimers. That train runs along the track going places on pretty days with the sun shining brightly and the beautiful landscape developing before our eyes. and Boom... oh, gee, no pun intended there... the track runs through a mountain and it gets dark enough in there you can't see your hand in front of your face.

You can't jump off. Your loved one needs you and you don't abandon love. So, you sit tight and trust in the engineer of our lives (God) and before you know it, the train pops out the hole at the end of the tunnel and the sun is shining once more. You just gotta learn to not be afraid of the dark!!

This caught my eye and my heart

Yes, I have gotten caught up in the interesting world of Pinterest. And, this pin really made me stop and think. It came from sunnysblog.typepad.com. Thank her for putting these thoughts in my head this morning.

'A true love story never ends'.......... and that says it all. If two people truly love each other, through all the trials that life has to offer, and love each other even after death... then that love story never ends.

I still feel the love so deeply that Elbert and I shared, through being young and so unprepared for life, through raising a family with all it's struggles and joys, through growing older, through Alzheimers and then through death. We were joined as one on Dec. 10, 1950 and all these years later we still are one.

Cherish each day you have with your loved one, keep that flame of love burning brightly. Then someday you may have that love to carry you through days that you will be alone.

Renewal

There is nothing more important to us grown-ups than to see the world through the eyes of a child. We get so caught up in our struggle to survive this life that we forget to enjoy those tiny little moments that are special and are filled with joy.

I spent yesterday in Charlottesville, Va. two and a half hours away from home in an apple orchard atop Carter's Mountain with my 8 month old great-grandson (and his Nana, Papa John and Mom). His little eyes took in everything, things we adults would have not paid any attention to... the tractor going by pulling a trailer full of apples, the feel of a pumpkin stem

                  the red apples hidden amongst the leaves, people going by, a mill wheel turning

The sound of metal strips when you run your fingers through them.  

Just so curious about this world we live in.

And, that was renewal for me... to put grief in the back recesses of my mind and to watch this adorable child learn and grow.

It was a good day!!

To read about the entire trip go to http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/

Hardee's On Mondays

This was Hardee's on Monday morning (in the old days when Elbert was with us) ... Shirley and I still go up every Monday morning, keeping up the tradition that Elbert so enjoyed. Most of the time the two of us just talk. We talk about family, the state of the world, what we want to do with the rest of our lives and sometimes we talk about Elbert. The tears come then and we feel his presence, his love surrounding us. It's a cleansing thing, a time of remembrance, a time to reflect.

So, Monday mornings are Hardee's days. Shirley and I love that sweet tea. It's a southern thing you know. We wave to friends having coffee and sometimes we stop to chat. They used to ask about Elbert (after he couldn't go) and now they ask how I am doing. I say I am doing alright. Time is healing the sorrow and it's wonderful to know that people still remember him and that he was well liked in a community that had not known him before Alzheimers. His personality was so infectious. I sure do miss that sweet smile.

Walk through the door

In the months following Elbert's death I struggled with finding my way without him. It has been difficult and very sad for me but just this past week I felt a change. A change can be good and I think this one is.

No one can prepare you for the grieving process because each person is different. You have to deal with your own emotions, feel for your own place in life so that you can go on. I don't say that one minute you are grieving, the next it's over. You can't sever the ties of a happy marriage like they never existed. Tears still come very easily for me, my heart hurts, I feel empty inside. However, I have experienced a sensation of walking through a door and nearly closing the door behind me. I said nearly!! I believe in a short time that door will close and I will walk on the other side of all the deep emotions that has come close to bringing me to my knees.

There's been a lot of anger I had to work through. Personal issues as well as the knowledge that Elbert didn't deserve alzheimers. He was healthy, he took care of himself. He did not have a history of alzheimers in his family. He was a Christian. He embraced every moment of his life and found joy in it. It just didn't seem fair. I even got angry that he dare go off and leave me!

The anger is gone now. I feel at peace with decisions I have made, changes I have adopted, doors I have closed. I feel God's hand in all of this, that He knows the answers of 'why Elbert?'. And, I know that He will guide me in my remaining days on earth. So, yes, I have walked through that door and stepped out into the light that He shines on me.

I just want to add that the support and caring that my blogging friends have shown me throughout this time has been great comfort to me. I love you all. I pray often for my Alzheimer caregivers. I know what it is like and wish I could help lift the burden. Maybe one day soon they will find a cure.  

A Good Day

                                

I've had a couple of good days. Stayed busy... that seems to be the answer. So, you ask, what are you doing to keep you so busy ?

First of all, I went to a nearby Army base (Elbert was Navy but the Army recognizes us seagoing folks) to pick up my prescription and do a little shopping at the commissary. The military was such a huge part of my and Elbert's life and it just seems RIGHT to be driving down a base street at turtle pace and have to stop for troops in the crosswalk. Those guys look so young, so innocent, so.... how Elbert looked when we got married!!

It's a life I miss. Those were the good times when we were young and moving around from base to base with our little pascal of kiddies. Didn't know enough about the world to worry that much, just taking care of each other and loving every minute of it. We had five children, all born in different states.

                                                         ******************
the oldest (a girl) born in Alabama where I was waiting for Elbert to come back from Korea
the second (a boy) born in Florida. We also lost him there, at age 3 1/2 months.
the third (a girl) born in Seattle, Washington
the fourth (a boy) born in Honolulu, Hawaii
the fifth (a girl) born in Bainbridge, Maryland
                                                        *******************

Fast forward to the present....

Our third child now has grandchildren of her own and it was her first grandson who had a first birthday Tuesday and, of course, great-grandmother had to help him celebrate. I sat there looking at the generations gathered around the birthday boy (there were four generations present) and how I wished that Elbert could have been there. He was so crazy about the 'little ones'.

But, life marches on, the roller coaster is climbing toward the pinnacle ... I hope to keep it there by remaining focused on the good in my life, the memories of the past and making memories of life as I know it now.

It's okay to be sad and wish for happier times. I tell myself that all the time. I do know, also that sadness can't take over your life and cloud your willingness to live in the today that you have.  Count your blessings. I did have Elbert for 60 precious years. That's a huge blessing in itself.

ROLLER COASTER

I am so sick of this roller coaster ride. Now, I've never been on a roller coaster in my life and I will tell you right now, I won't ever be. Not a real one in an amusement park. Just looking at them scares me to death. Nope, my feet are planted firmly on the ground.

I was talking about this up and down and twist and turn and just when you think you are making a slow climb to the top, you get there and you plumment right down to the bottom again at break-neck speed.

I have read up on grief. Least I thought I had read enough to sort of know how it would be. The only really close death I had experienced before was losing my Mom in 1996. And, I did go to counseling for a short period of time afterward. And, I got through it, I thought, pretty well.

But, there is nothing to compare with losing a spouse. Losing Mom was tough and I don't want to take anything away from how that hurt ..... but losing Elbert has just thrown me. My daughter tells me all the time how very strong I am and I thought I was. I've dealt with a tremendous amount of struggles over my life but some things just take your strength away and you have to lean on an arm stronger than any other. I am trying to call on that higher strength. I know He hears our prayers but sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to pray for ease from this roller coaster ride I am on. I have come to believe that if you don't go through ALL the phases they tell you that are in the grieving process then you can't heal. Hmmmmm.....

Anger is an issue with me right now. I have always been a very calm, almost passive person. Elbert and I never fought (in 60 years of marriage). Not that we didn't disagree on things but we were not fighting. Now, I seem to be filled with anger. I am angry about so many things. I am angry at Alzheimers and it picking Elbert to reside in. I am angry at Elbert because he left me and I have to admit that there are times I just wish I could go back 20 years and find him. I am angry over nothing and everything, then all of a sudden I 'fly off the handle' at someone and the anger is not at them but they are the recipient of some unnamed rage inside me. So, somebody, tell me if that is normal, whatever normal is these days!! Or something I should get counseling over or pray about or what the heck I am supposed to do.

They don't give you a road map on grief.

In The Dark of Night

The sun goes down taking with it the light. The shadows grow long and unidentifible. I pull on my jammies and crawl into bed and the night sounds begin.

No, this is not a scary movie. It is part of learning to live alone. I feel very safe where I am so I am not afraid, however,  I dread the sounds that I hear, not with my ears, but the sounds that I remember. The footfall of someone not there, a voice calling out, stumbles from room to room. I listen and there is no sound. It is just me being so trained to listen out, to watch and wait, to protect and care,  that I can't seem to turn loose of that part of my life.

Some nights are good and I sleep the sleep of the weary. Some nights my body is tense and watchful, thinking I am still on duty and I do not sleep. When I realize that my 'job' is over, the tears come.

Nighttime is dark and lonely.

Grief on Stage

 I don't think I know how to grieve. The 'experts' say it comes in stages and so it may. Who am I to argue with the experts? At this juncture of my life, I am not sure which STAGE I am in. Maybe it is because, with Alzheimers you start your grieving process the day you know you are facing that dread disease. Okay, what stage is that? Is there a category named 'Pre Death Grief'? I know that there is anger involved. Oh boy, did I get mad... how dare this happen to the sweetest, most agreeable guy on earth? Well, it did and I got over my mad spell pretty quick. You do what you gotta do and carry on.

Denial..... another stage or so they say, but there was no denying from me...I knew that there was something very wrong. Elbert never went through denial either. You'd never say  'Honey, how do you feel about having alzheimers?' You'd get as many answers as there are people with it. But, when I did bring up the subject Elbert just said 'There's nothing anyone can do so I live with it'. He accepted what was handed to him and went from there to the end with immeasureable grace. I was so blessed. You have no idea how blessed.

Extreme sadness, depression, yeah, I went through that at times through the long years of caregiving but there was a sense of release, of letting go when Elbert went home to be with his Lord. I knew he'd be happy just hanging out in heaven. But, for me, the process started all over again, right from page one of the Grief manual.

Denial.... a little

Anger.... some but like I say, I knew he was better off.

Sadness, oh my goodness. There is no way to describe the sadness at being left behind, of being alone. Depression, there was some of that but it is the sadness that I just seem to wallow in every single day. It takes so little, A book he once read, a song we liked together, a trip down a familiar road, a hymn that was his favorite, his side of the bed, the way he told me that he loved me. Yep, sad times for sure. Does it ever get better? I sure hope so.

Those of you who have already lost someone to Alzheimer's (or any other disease) will know what I am talking about. For those of you with that day yet to come my heart just breaks for you. Just know that I am here always, a friend from afar, with a shoulder, a shoulder that has already carried the burden of caring and loss.

Gee, I need to get over this 'stage'. I am depressing myself much less everyone else!!

Much love to each of you, for your continued support and care. Blogging friends are the best!!

Tribute

Elbert's favorite room in our house was the sunroom. It had lots of windows and he could sit and watch people walking by and cars going over the speed limit. He'd say every time 'they sure are going fast'. Of course, to him by that time everything was going faster than he could comprehend.

As I needed to be with him more and more, I moved my computer desk into the sunroom so I could have something to do while I sat with him. Conversation was almost non-existent and I just don't SIT very well without something to do.

About a month ago I walked into the living room. I had placed his folded flag on the mantel in there and I just had this feeling that Elbert needed to be in that sunroom he loved so much. So, I got one of this old Navy hats, the large picture of him we used for the viewing at the funeral home, his flag and one of his hunting horns. And, I placed them on top of my desk. I can look up anytime I wish and see his handsome face looking down on me. Dd Shirley asked me if that didn't make me cry. Usually not, I told her. But, if I cry, that's alright. I feel his presence with me and that is comforting.

First Events

After losing a loved one, facing those special occasions is a very difficult time. So many memories tied up with

Valentines day with presentations of the card and flowers or candy and loving kisses...

Christmas and the memories of family gathered around the tree

Thanksgiving and the head of the house carving the turkey with everyone waiting and watching, tummys growling.

and many other holidays.

I had my first encounter with a 'first event' just this past Tuesday. It was Elbert's 81st birthday. 

This Feb. 8th I was alone. My sweetheart was not celebrating a birthday this year.

I was with two daughters, Shirley and Susan and Susan's 3 year old, Tighe. We were in Baltimore for a couple of days and that was good. I had family around me and we stayed on the go all day on the 8th. Then night fell and I was lying on Tighe's bed while the girls were doing various chores around the hotel room. The sadness enveloped me and Susan sat down beside me and put her arms around me. 'Grandmother is sad' she told Tighe and he came and hugged me. Of course, that completely did away with any holding back of tears.

Susan asked me 'you want to be left alone, Mom, or do you want all of us to pile in on you' and before I could answer all three of them jumped on top of me, hugging and kissing and laughing and teasing. Yes, I will get through all those first events.... because I have such a special, loving family.

Days Long - Nights, too

How long is a day? 12 hours.

How long is a night? 12 hours.

Add them up and that is 24 hours.

Beg to differ with you there.

My days seem 50 hours at least and then the dark comes and night falls and it's 50 hours til daybreak.
Wintertime is the worst. The days are short, or so they say. But, they feel like the longest day of the year, each and every one of them.

I try to stay busy and goodness knows that all the paperwork following a death is a lot of work. But, my seconds, minutes and hours have a lack of direction to them. No getting in the car and heading to the nursing home. No sitting with my hubby for awhile, enjoying the time. No going shopping for special treats for him, or new pajamas or houseshoes. It's like someone came along and just sliced that part of my life right out of existence. How do I fill that time? How do I find a new direction?

The time will come one of these days when I do find a new meaning to my days and nights. Right now it's just so difficult.

Shock Gone

The numbness and shock that I have felt for two weeks wore off during the night last night. I awoke this morning missing Elbert, missing our life together, allowing myself finally to think back past Alzheimers. I had not allowed myself to 'think and feel'. I thought it would be easier that way. So I wrapped my mind, heart and body around the moment, doing very ordinary things. Then I was worried because I didn't grieve a lot.

Yesterday I was cleaning out a spare room upstairs and ran across a box of momentoes that I have saved over the years. I decided to scan some of the things and sort some out to give to the children. Yesterday I handled it well.... this morning I am full of tears remembering the good times and embracing the hurt and sadness and loss.

There were so many little pieces of paper (a telegram from 1951 where he informed me he and his buddy had arrived back in Calif from a visit to see me safe and sound).

There was a poem he had cut out of a magazine and wrote my name at the top and signed it with his at the bottom.

There were cards from flowers he had sent me, and some letters I had saved from the beginning of our relationship to recent times. There was a book of tickets from OUR egg farm back in the 50s.  We were short of money and he bought a hundred chickens from our landlady and sold eggs to sailors on the base.

And, so much more. We certainly lived a full life and most of the time a meaningful life. We traveled and did exciting things. We scrimped when the pay was low. We lived in all kinds of conditions and I wouldn't trade any part of it for the world. So, Honey, here's to you...... Thanks for giving me such a wonderful life. I will always cherish the memories.