Thursday, August 20, 2009

Defining Me

At age 75 I am trying to 'find myself'. With Elbert living elsewhere, the children all grown and taking care of themselves I am having a very hard time trying to find my place in this world.

I have been a caregiver for most of my life. Started out at age 18 with our first child. There followed 4 more children. During that time (following the death of Elbert's Mom) he and I also had 3 of his sisters at various time. We graduated all three of them from high school. We also kept my father-in-law part of the time. I had total care of my Mother for 12 years and then I have cared for Elbert for 9. I am not saying this in the way of getting sympathy or using a 'poor pitiful me' ploy. No, I am using this as a measuring stick, a divining rod to figure out just who I am and what am I to do with me now. My role in life has always been decided for me. Now I have the freedom to decide for myself and I don't know how.

I find myself restless, not so much outwardly but deep inside. My thoughts drift about like the seed of a dandelion floating on the wind. I just hope that the seed soon settles on the ground and takes root so that I will grow in the direction as I need to at this point in my life. I mean I'm not a teenager here and I don't have a ton of time ahead of me to figure it all out. (grin)

I feel like I want a complete change. I have lost interest in many of the things that had appealed to me in the past. I want new direction and yet I am afraid of turning loose of the old one.

My daughter says that I have a new life now and that may be so. I went to visit Elbert at the Garden today and felt absolutely useless. He read the paper that I had brought him, chatted briefly with another resident, Louise, who was trying to get him to 'take a walk' and promptly fell asleep when we tried to watch a movie. I could have been a thousand miles away for all he was concerned. He has made his life at the Garden, made new friends and he's very comfortable.

I just gotta figure out how to make my life now without taking care of someone else. Gee, that could be great.... if I ever figure it out.