A New Year

                                                                           2012

It's a new year, a new day, a new life, a new..... hmmmm, let's see, what else is new.
                                                            
Two 1/2 weeks ago Elbert and I would have celebrated our 61st anniversary.

One week ago I got through the first Christmas without him.

Today I prayed for guidance, 'Please, Lord, just show me the path I must follow'. And, He answers prayers... already... That's fast, Lord? Was I that desperate that You put me on Speed Answer!!

I'll sit down sometime this afternoon and start a new 'yearly' journal. My life is pretty well documented on those pages in cheap black and white composition books. You'd think I'd write my 'doings' in a fancy journal but my life is what it is, fancy paper or no.

Tomorrow I will start a new schedule, a new outlook, a new way of thinking and try to keep myself busy for the next few days. You see, it will be a year ago on Jan. 3rd that I lost my sweetheart. Lord, just get me through this week and then I think I can make it through the rest of my life.

On Friday the 6th I will celebrate my 78th birthday. Life goes on. I am ready, Lord. Just keep showing me the way.

I Did It.

December 26th. One day after Christmas. I got through the holidays, folks. Lots of tears, memories of better days, and fun with the here and now. I mean you can not be too sad when you have a 16 month old and a 11 month old running around being too cute and having fun. Just look at what I mean!!

Christmas Eve:

Waiting for their presents

The 11 month old eating sausage balls. I hope he was not sick all night.

The boys in their Santa outfits. Here is the diaper they had on..........

Christmas Morning:
Kenny and Bethany had Vann's Christmas at home. However Dylan was at Nana and Papa John's house with his parents, Gigi and Uncle Christoper.

I didn't do it.... really I didn't!!

Dylan with his buddy, Uncle Christopher.

Dylan with his Nana.

Busy morning..........nap time.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Now, on to the New Year!!

I'll Have A Blue Christmas

I can hear that baritone voice of Elbert's singing 'I'll have a blue, blue Chistmas without you'. His voice was not extra-ordinary in any way and some songs he just couldn't carry a tune to but this was one song that he sang that I thought sounded as good as any recording I ever heard. That, and 'I'll be home for Christmas, just you wait and see'....

If those songs come on the radio or my cd player I quickly switch to something else. It just breaks my heart to hear them. No, he will not be home for Christmas this year and yes, I will have a blue, blue Christmas.

There will be plenty of mistletoe and laughter and food and family but the one person that held it all together is missing. Christmas will never be the same again. However, the family is here, the little ones with their eyes all aglow, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight. There will be tons of food, which I don't need, but I will eat anyway. Hey, I have an excuse, Christmas comes but once a year. Dieting can start the day after!! There will be gifts to open and oooh and aaaah over.

This first Christmas without Elbert will be filled with so much sadness. Memories of the past, happy ones, but it is time to make new memories with the newest generation that he and I were responsible for starting.

Emotions... they run high

Yesterday was the Wreaths Across America where live wreaths are laid on every veterans grave in the United States. I awoke early and headed to the cemetery. As I drove along in the cold, crisp air my mind wandered  back to a similiar morning so many years ago on Dec. 10, 1950. It was on a day just like today that Elbert and I were married..... 61 years ago.

At the cemetery, I waited while the large truck arrived with the wreaths and then I got into line, along with tons of other people, to help place the greenery.

 Once I had the wreath in hand, I walked to where Elbert lay and leaned the circle of green against his tomb. It didn't look right to me and, as I straightened it, tears sprang to my eyes. So many memories, so much pride, such longing for days of yore when we were young and happy.

The ceremony followed at noon. We had a long moment of silence to honor those who had deceased. I could visualize the thousands, tens of thousands of loved ones, workers, volunteers who at this very moment sat with their heads bowed across the spanse of land from Maine to California and beyond. My heart filled with gratitude that what small part Elbert had played in keeping this country safe was being recognized and appreciated.

There was the placing of colors, the pledge to the flag, and I looked over and saw an old gentleman standing with his gnarled hand resting above his right eye in salute. I remembered the numerous times I had seen Elbert give a salute to his fellow officers, everytime he boarded the ship, when he was saluted himself. And, I remembered the last time I had seen Elbert give a salute. Our grandson was visiting and he begged his aging grandfather to don his Lt. uniform. Elbert was already deep into Alzheimers so we just slipped the jacket on and placed his hat on his head. Elbert slowly stood up and gave his grandson a salute.

For the final part of the ceremony, a bagpiper led the crowd to where the very first 25 veterans were interred in this particular cemetery.

 I stood watching as each member of some branch of service honored the person they had just placed a wreath for.

And, then the bugler began Taps...

and my mind flashed back to January 5th of this year when another bugler played Taps for Elbert's funeral.

The music for Taps is so solemn, so sad. I wonder what was going through the young mans mind when he wrote those notes first on paper. I listened to every note ringing out over the white stone tombs and I felt at peace knowing that Elbert was resting and at peace in a place where his service was truly appreciated.

As the last notes of 'Amazing Grace' vanished out of the bagpipes Shirley, John and I walked back to Elbert's grave.

 We visited at the site for a few minutes and then we walked away, daughter and wife of the veteran we loved, arm in arm.

please go to my other blog http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/ to see other pictures

Christmas preparations

I love Christmas... but for some reason I always get depressed during the holidays. At least I did in the last few years. I know having a sick husband did not help. I just had so many trials in my life that singing 'Jingle Bells' didn't lift my spirits one iota. Decorating the house seemed to have less and less energy and thought given to the task. There were just too many other things to have to care about and I got to where I did not care... period.... about all the hoopla over Christmas.

My life is different now, an empty hole in my heart for sure, but I have resolved to have a fresh start, to recapture some of the excitement that I have enjoyed in years past. So far I am managing very well. I started dragging out boxes and boxes of decorations and found myself feeling the excitement and the contentment putting each little piece in place. Music going in the background.... My Dickens village taking center stage in the dining room...

 I downsized my artifical tree to one I could carry from storage to house and then place on a table in the sunroom...

I found a pin on Pinterest that I liked. Here's what gave me that inspiration..

 I have a tiered silver dish ... I can do that!!  Hey, why doesn't mine look like that one above???

Something new so that I am not reminded of the 60 Christmases Elbert and I shared. Keep my mind focused on the here and now... don't think back and you will make it through the holidays, I tell myself.

I take every moment and try to enjoy it. I start my morning with a prayer... Thank you, Lord, for having him 60 years, thank you for a beautiful day and thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve to be loved. Help me live this day as You would have me. Amen

And, I'm doing alright..... so far...... stay tuned for further developments!!

Things to be Thankful for

I wondered how I would do on Thanksgiving without Elbert. I did very well, missed him, of course, but I did better than I thought I would.

Grandson Ken and his wife Bethany hosted the Thanksgiving get-together this year and I believe that made all the difference in the world. Some new people, some new additions to the menu, the event held in a new location surrounded by family and little ones. Someone besides Elbert carved the turkey and grace was done by Bethany's Dad. Just a sign that things move on, people move on and it's alright. As night approached and we headed home, I felt very blessed indeed ..........

Once home I curled up in my bed and turned on the LSU-Arkansas game. I sure wanted LSU to lose ... darn it. You see, my team (Alabama) is #2 while LSU is #1. I just wanted LSU to get knocked down a number or two. But, it didn't happen.

Thanksgiving

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will gather with some of the family to eat too much, play with the little ones, chat with the adults and wish I had my sweetie with me. I can see him now, standing at the head of the table carving the turkey, then he'd say grace and we'd eat until we couldn't move. That man did love to eat.

Some of the things for which I am thankful for this year

60 years of marriage to a wonderful man

A loving family

God's loving care always

Good health

Friends

Shelter, food and all I need to live each day

Sweet memories

So many blessings that appeared through the fog of grief and sadness.

I hope that each of you have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

Wintertime and being alone

I dread Wintertime. I dread Thanksgiving. I dread Christmas. I just dread being alone when it's cold and miserable outside and people don't come by and I can't get out. Bad time to be alone, that's for sure.

So, much of the time, when Elbert was with me, we'd sit in the sunroom and watch the birds. Yes, I have the feeders out already but it won't be the same... noone to say, 'hey, look at that little bird. He's really hungry this morning' .

We'd sit and watch the snow falling. We didn't have much snow in Alabama so we enjoyed the snowfalls in Virginia. It always seemed so magical, coming down in big flakes. I suppose the magic will be gone out of it this year.

In early December Elbert and I would bundle up and walk up the street to see our son-in-law's latest creation of Christmas lights on their house. This year I will make excuses... it's too cold, I am busy, can't go right now.

We always would get a call on Christmas morning ... 'come over, the kids are up and ready for Santa' and Elbert and I (already up and waiting) would walk over and we'd sit around the tree and open presents. Then, it got too much for Elbert, tire him out and he really didn't know what the hullabaloo was all about. He didn't even know that the presents were for him and that he was supposed to open them.

Yes, I dread all these first events... I have to focus on the here and now.

I can enjoy the birds and I might even start making note of all the different kinds I see

If we get snowfall I hope it is enough so that I can make 'snow cream'. I'd like that.

I might put my coat on and wander down the street. I will need to take a picture of all the lights. How else will I share them with all my wonderful blogging friends?

Christmas morning I will be waiting for that phone call. And, I will walk over and find my place beside the tree. I'll play with baby Dylan (he'll be 11 months by then) and I'll try to keep him from snatching ornaments off the tree.

I'll miss my guy that was always beside me, laughing and enjoying the family and all his presents.

Yep, I will make it, day by day, with a lot of help from God, family and friends. And, there will be memories made for me to cherish in years to come. In years to come, it will be easier, I think. Just not this year.

Time drips so slowly

Time is like a slow dripping faucet. Drip.... drip...... drip.  Has it only been 7 months since I lost my sweetie. It feels like a hundred years. And, some days I feel like I am 100.

I am in Nebraska visiting my son and daughter-in-law and alone most of the time. People do have to work, I guess. I feel the depression (which, by the way, I was keeping at bay very well back home) dripping into my body... drip.... drip... drip. Every day I am more saturated with it.

This is the first time I have visited Michael since his Dad passed and it hurts. I have cried alot. You see, when the two of us visited before I had Elbert to see about. And, I had his companionship, the connection of being a couple. I feel so doggone empty. I know that it must affect Michael as well. Missing his Dad, I mean.

Every 'first' is so hard. This is just another one of those first I have to go through. Drip.... drip..... drip.

First Events

After losing a loved one, facing those special occasions is a very difficult time. So many memories tied up with

Valentines day with presentations of the card and flowers or candy and loving kisses...

Christmas and the memories of family gathered around the tree

Thanksgiving and the head of the house carving the turkey with everyone waiting and watching, tummys growling.

and many other holidays.

I had my first encounter with a 'first event' just this past Tuesday. It was Elbert's 81st birthday. 

This Feb. 8th I was alone. My sweetheart was not celebrating a birthday this year.

I was with two daughters, Shirley and Susan and Susan's 3 year old, Tighe. We were in Baltimore for a couple of days and that was good. I had family around me and we stayed on the go all day on the 8th. Then night fell and I was lying on Tighe's bed while the girls were doing various chores around the hotel room. The sadness enveloped me and Susan sat down beside me and put her arms around me. 'Grandmother is sad' she told Tighe and he came and hugged me. Of course, that completely did away with any holding back of tears.

Susan asked me 'you want to be left alone, Mom, or do you want all of us to pile in on you' and before I could answer all three of them jumped on top of me, hugging and kissing and laughing and teasing. Yes, I will get through all those first events.... because I have such a special, loving family.