Take Your Time

There is a time to grieve.... there is a time to be happy....

It's the TIME to grieve that concerns me at this point. I've often heard that a person in grief should not make any major decisions for at least one year. That may seem hard to do but it is so very necessary. I'd add making any decisions at all for one year!!

The effect of the decisions I make now twist and turn and are never clear from one day to the other. What I think is right for me one day, is totally wrong the next day. I am struggling with finding a clear path to walk these days. The road seems endless and stretches far to the horizon and then fades into oblivion. And, although i can not see the road as it dips out of sight I know that when i reach that point, at the edge of tomorrow, there will be more road going on endlessly...

It certainly isn't a time to make a move, sell your home and buy a new place, even to plan a trip. It also is not time, I am finding, to change my hairdo, change my schedule, change where I buy groceries even. I need that security of the 'known', of what I am comfortable with, for things I don't have to think through. My 'thinking cap' is on the life I have lived with my spouse, on happy times and yes, the bad times, of when raising a family was the biggest challenge that we had.

It has been 7 months since Elbert left us. It seems like it is 7 years. I know that 'in time' I will move on and live again. But, that time is on the horizon.

Grief on Stage

 I don't think I know how to grieve. The 'experts' say it comes in stages and so it may. Who am I to argue with the experts? At this juncture of my life, I am not sure which STAGE I am in. Maybe it is because, with Alzheimers you start your grieving process the day you know you are facing that dread disease. Okay, what stage is that? Is there a category named 'Pre Death Grief'? I know that there is anger involved. Oh boy, did I get mad... how dare this happen to the sweetest, most agreeable guy on earth? Well, it did and I got over my mad spell pretty quick. You do what you gotta do and carry on.

Denial..... another stage or so they say, but there was no denying from me...I knew that there was something very wrong. Elbert never went through denial either. You'd never say  'Honey, how do you feel about having alzheimers?' You'd get as many answers as there are people with it. But, when I did bring up the subject Elbert just said 'There's nothing anyone can do so I live with it'. He accepted what was handed to him and went from there to the end with immeasureable grace. I was so blessed. You have no idea how blessed.

Extreme sadness, depression, yeah, I went through that at times through the long years of caregiving but there was a sense of release, of letting go when Elbert went home to be with his Lord. I knew he'd be happy just hanging out in heaven. But, for me, the process started all over again, right from page one of the Grief manual.

Denial.... a little

Anger.... some but like I say, I knew he was better off.

Sadness, oh my goodness. There is no way to describe the sadness at being left behind, of being alone. Depression, there was some of that but it is the sadness that I just seem to wallow in every single day. It takes so little, A book he once read, a song we liked together, a trip down a familiar road, a hymn that was his favorite, his side of the bed, the way he told me that he loved me. Yep, sad times for sure. Does it ever get better? I sure hope so.

Those of you who have already lost someone to Alzheimer's (or any other disease) will know what I am talking about. For those of you with that day yet to come my heart just breaks for you. Just know that I am here always, a friend from afar, with a shoulder, a shoulder that has already carried the burden of caring and loss.

Gee, I need to get over this 'stage'. I am depressing myself much less everyone else!!

Much love to each of you, for your continued support and care. Blogging friends are the best!!

A New Idea

This blog has been a godsend for me as it allowed me to express myself while I cared for my husband. I've made some really special friends and sure don't want to lose contact with those. However, I feel that it is time that I start a new blog, to focus on what I need to do as I move forward past the Alzheimers and the grief.

I sure hope I don't lose any of you but if I do I understand. Caregiving is a very trying and exhausting job. I love you all and wish the very best for each of you. I'll be checking in on you from time to time. I do hope that you will just move on over with me.....Down the Rabbit Hole.  http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/

A Tough Day

Today was tough. I got a call that the headstone was in place on Elbert's grave so I drove down to the cemetery. Now, I had been down there before but it didn't seem real then. Just a little green plastic frame with Elbert's name hand-written on the insert stuck in a flat rectangle of grassless soil. I didn't even cry. It just was not him.

Today was totally different. When I walked up and saw Elbert's name on his headstone I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I think I audibly let out a huge breath of air and grabbed my middle. There it was.... carved in stone... affirming that yes, Willie Elbert Barton had lived his life and now lay amid rows and rows of identical stones, all veterans who served our country.

I am so proud of what he accomplished in his lifetime. He was, too. That little ole country boy who gave over 22 years to his country and did pretty well with it all. It says on his tomb that he fought in two wars, Korea and Vietnam. It says, too, that he was a Lt. (went all the way up the ranks from seaman apprentice to Lt.) Yep, I am very proud of him. And, there it is... engraved on his headstone. But, it doesn't say anything about what kind of man he was or how much he loved his family or his God.

When asked what else we wanted engraved on the tomb (besides the essentials) the family talked it over and decided that 'love and honor' pretty much summed that man up from beginning to end. He loved life, he loved us all, he loved God and his country, he just loved the very air he breathed. Nothing much bothered that man, he was always smiling and happy.

And, Honor. He honored his family by being the best he could be. He honored God by trying to live the life God would have wanted him to and he fought and served with honor for his country.

Yep, the tears flowed and I cried all the way home.

THE JOURNEY HAS COME TO AN END

Elbert has finally regained his wonderful spirit, mind and body... at 9:50 this morning. I know he's so happy to be rid of forgetting things, not knowing who people were and being stuck in that ole wheelchair. He's finally in the arms of Jesus, smiling down on us.  Oh, how we all will miss him but a peace is in our hearts tonight in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering.

THE JOURNEY IS ALMOST OVER

My sweet husband took a turn for the worse a few days ago and the family is just waiting and watching. The journey is almost over. Please remember us in your prayers .... and I pray for those of you who are still in the journey. God bless you and keep you.

Update

Wish the news was better but life is what it is. In the last few days I had been told by three of the staff at the hospital that Elbert was not going to get better. My gut feeling yesterday morning was that they were telling me the truth and they just confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Elbert had gotten severely dehydrated at Magnolia Manor and had been rushed to the hospital. It's been a devastating struggle so far.

I kept trying to see the doctor yesterday but it never happened. So, with what I knew and what I was being told I asked the nurse to put a request in for 'comfort care' for Elbert on his chart. The Doctor this morning said I had done the right thing. That is always reassuring to know we have done what we needed to do even if it is a difficult decision.

He had been in a 'step-down' unit but today they moved him to a regular room. The antibotics are gone as are any of his regular medications. He is being given halladol to try and keep him calm and morphine. And, we sit and watch and wait......

He has not been responsive to conversation on much of a level for quite awhile. But, amazingly enough, the last couple of days he has talked our heads off. He has tons of 'junk' as the cute little nurse puts it, in his throat so he is gurgling loudly. Hard to make out a lot of all this talking he's doing but we have understood all we need to. He has told us he loves us. He puckered up and kissed Marie on the cheek this morning. He smiled when told he is expecting a great-grandbaby and even arm wrestled with Shirley (He got her, too). It seems that he is doing all he can to make sure we know that we are loved. And, I know he feels the love he is being showered with. But, there comes a time in life when life must cease. I know that God will watch over me and the family as he gathers Elbert in His arms. I have already told God that it's 'okay' if He takes Elbert home.

On the other hand, Elbert is getting combative and very restless. He's hard to handle and we are getting worn out already but the end of the journey is yet down the road.

Elbert and I should have made it to our 60th wedding anniversary in December. It looks like we won't.