Thanksgiving

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will gather with some of the family to eat too much, play with the little ones, chat with the adults and wish I had my sweetie with me. I can see him now, standing at the head of the table carving the turkey, then he'd say grace and we'd eat until we couldn't move. That man did love to eat.

Some of the things for which I am thankful for this year

60 years of marriage to a wonderful man

A loving family

God's loving care always

Good health

Friends

Shelter, food and all I need to live each day

Sweet memories

So many blessings that appeared through the fog of grief and sadness.

I hope that each of you have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

Renewal

There is nothing more important to us grown-ups than to see the world through the eyes of a child. We get so caught up in our struggle to survive this life that we forget to enjoy those tiny little moments that are special and are filled with joy.

I spent yesterday in Charlottesville, Va. two and a half hours away from home in an apple orchard atop Carter's Mountain with my 8 month old great-grandson (and his Nana, Papa John and Mom). His little eyes took in everything, things we adults would have not paid any attention to... the tractor going by pulling a trailer full of apples, the feel of a pumpkin stem

                  the red apples hidden amongst the leaves, people going by, a mill wheel turning

The sound of metal strips when you run your fingers through them.  

Just so curious about this world we live in.

And, that was renewal for me... to put grief in the back recesses of my mind and to watch this adorable child learn and grow.

It was a good day!!

To read about the entire trip go to http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/

A Bag of Taters Goes a Long Way

As I have been quite open about my struggle with indecisiveness, restlessness... and a bunch of other ness's, I have had some of you suggest that I start giving more than just sitting at home. I keep pretty busy with my little projects at home but I did take your advice.

I've always been involved in club work and in that way giving to others through the projects they would have. But, with caregiving you just can't give of yourself more than you have to give. With that phase of my life over I needed to find some way to get outside of myself, to give to others, to find a purpose.


What I'm getting at is .... now you got to realize that after years of Elbert wandering during the night and me not having a sound nights sleep for years I love to sleep in. Not bad late, just later than a lot of people. So, I got up at an early hour yesterday morning. Before the alarm went off, I'll have you know. And, I went down to the Methodist church's House of Hope, a food bank ministry that they have. Food is obtained from a food bank in the nearest city and then distributed to those locals in need by the church women.


First I was weighing potatoes. Three lbs. went into a plastic bag and each person would get one bag of potatoes.

Then I put a frozen chicken in with the bag of potatoes.

It was a hot muggy day with no air in the building and my friend, that was doing chicken with me, and I just wanted to crawl right into that freezer. It felt so good every time we opened the lid.


We were finished by noon and I walked out of there feeling really good about helping others and doing something worthwhile. So, you girls that suggested I volunteer were right!! Thank you for the encouragement.


I feel very blessed today that I have people who encourage me, to stand by me, and I am thankful I am involved in a project that helps others.

He always had fun.

Elbert had fun no matter where he went. Here he is sitting on a tree limb making funny faces at me. He made me laugh and he could also make me cry. But, it's the laughter I remember now and the wonderful times we had.

I was blessed beyond measure to have married such an easy going guy. Even in the throes of Alzheimers he was considerate (most of the time), loved to make a joke sometimes, and always worried about me having to take care of him. Blessed? You bet.

It's Been One Week

One week ago yesterday Elbert went home to be with the Lord.

I didn't know what to expect out of the grieving process nor had I ever really thought about it. Who wants to think of how they will act under such circumstances? Grief for each is different and very personal but I decided that I would continue this journey with all of you wonderful, caring friends who have held me up and sometimes carried me as I cared for Elbert. You enriched my life, you loved me and supported me and although when you come to the end of YOUR journey it will be, as I said, very different and very personal. At that time I hope that you can glean some little tidbit of comfort from being a wee bit prepared (from reading this blog)

This first week has been interesting. I have felt numb for most of the days and wanted to sleep. Oh, my how tired, emotionally and physically, I was and still am to some extent. It's okay to sleep and sleep I did. To begin with of course was the flurry of activity. Even though we had a prepaid funeral plan and had most of our information on file at the funeral home I found there still was a lot to do. Order flowers, which one daughter took care of. Arrange for the minister (our former pastor lives in Texas now), get an organist and soloist, make sure out of towners are notified. Is there enough food? Is there enough toliet paper for all this crowd? and kleenex? Where will everyone sleep? I have four children, inlaws, grandchildren. But, you know, it all took care of itself. People took over and just did.

I have had feelings of relief. I feel guilty having those feelings. I should have felt that I wanted him here with me as long as I lived. But, the truth is, I have lost him every single day for years. Too many to think about. I have grieved until I think I have just grieved all the tears out of me. I can't cry it seems. Oh, I did at the military part of his funeral. Lost it. And, that's good. I was burying my love, my companion. But, then the tears just did not come until night before last when I woke up at 3 a.m. I felt odd, like I was an unloving spouse for not shedding tears. I hope that in time I can cry my heart out. But, you know, I was not an unloving wife and I know he loved me so very much. As he lay dying he knew me and a lot of the family were there. When I'd say something to him he would try to turn his body and lift his arms up toward me to give me a hug.

Okay..... now I'm crying!! Maybe I just needed to talk about it and too, I have tried to be so strong for the children and grands. Shirley said yesterday 'Mom, you never cease to amaze me'. Well, kiddo... I do it for you!!

I've been in my house alone for one and a half years. So, settling down by myself in the house has been comparatively easy. Elbert was in a very loving nursing home and I feel that the family made the right decisions about first placing him in an assisted living and when he couldn't stay there to move him on to a nursing home. I couldn't have cared for him at home without round the clock help. We couldn't have been more pleased with his care at Consulate N.H.  In fact, after he passed some of the nurses were seen in the hallway crying. That's special care.

TIP: Do  your homework if you plan to use a nursing home. Get references, visit the facility at odd times, and keep a watch during your loved ones stay. The more you visit the more they are sure to be on task.

Yesterday, the one week anniversary, Shirley got me out of the house. She has been my mainstay for years. Well, I guess she had to be.... she lives next door. (grin) We dropped off flowers for the nursing home staff and a thank you card. We just wanted them to know how much we appreciated their attentiveness and kindness. Then on to pick up granddaughter, Britt, who was due any hour. She wanted to spend the night (and watch the football championship) with her Mom. Got a text message a bit ago..... they are headed to the hospital. Little Dylan is on his way.

How significant is that!!! Life passes on, a new life begins.

A Big Day

Don't you just love it when your loved one is having a good day? Elbert was pretty good today and that was special because it is our 60th wedding anniversary. Of course, I drove down to spend some time with him.

It was cold on Dec. 10, 1950 when we ran off and got married.  That was 60 years ago. Today was a very special day indeed. I had Elbert with me and we would celebrate however his mind and body would allow.

Elbert seemed somewhat agitated when I got there, just about wringing his thumb off with his other hand. Finally he settled down and ate his lunch. Fish, grits and stewed tomatoes. I thought that was a dumb meal but took a bite and you know, I may make me some of that fish and tomatoes. I'm a Southern gal and grits is for breakfast, people.

I wheeled Elbert out to the lobby where a big Christmas tree was decorated and lighted. He seemed to enjoy looking at that.

We went into the dining room to listen to a high school glee club singing Christmas carols in the dining room. That agitation was evidently still lingering under the surface because when the glee club started singing a really jivey tune from the 1980s by JOURNEY he started getting out of his chair. I pulled him back and he drew back to hit me. Then he started shoving the table around so we scooted out of there in a hurry. As soon as he was away from the noise he was alright.

It wasn't the wonderful anniversaries that we had celebrated in the past. But, we were together, that's all that mattered.

I wasn't prepared for this either

A little break from the drab, dreary world that Alzheimers brings us all to...


This was a ray of sunshine!!


As I walked down the hallway yesterday to visit Elbert he was in his usual place by the nurses station and a residents daughter, Susan, was talking to him. I saw him glance up and see me coming down the hall... and his eyesight is awful and he won't wear his glasses so I know his sight is atrocious. But, there is this huge grin on his face and by the time I reached his chair he was just beaming. So, was I!!!


After lunch I started pushing him around the nursing home and occassionally we'd stop in this 'living room' or that waiting room or the front entrance hall for a few minutes to give him and me a change of scenery.... and me to catch my breath. That man is heavy.


I was totally amazed at his focus and the things coming out of that man's mouth. Once he noticed one of the aides helping feed someone at the other end of the table and he said, 'I think someone down there is pretty'. I asked if he thought she was pretty and he nodded his head. A compliment out of him. Good.


Once he commented on what a big house that was. Yep, he's got that right.


I got to testing his arm muscles, giving a little squeeze and asked him what he had done with all that muscle, that it was gone. And his reply was 'it would be good if I had some'.


There was more chatter... something about what I thought of Miami.... Miami, where did that come from? We've never even been to Miami.


And, he was paying attention to other people talking so he was enjoying himself tremendously.


But, the best part of all was when I started to wheel him down the hall that little stinker stuck his feet out in front of him, started making the varoom, varoom sound of a car, put his hands out and started 'turning the wheel'. He was driving!! I just wish I had someone in front of us with a video camera. It was just the funniest thing and so alert and fun loving, just like he used to be.


Just look at this picture..... He's right in the midst of telling a big tale here, his favorite thing to do.

I wasn't prepared

There's a lot about life that I wasn't prepared for. The early stuff just seemed to happen and we were a happy family and didn't give a hoot about anything.

Then age slips up on you and you find you aren't prepared for anything. Ah, those good ole days when we didn't think about getting old, being sick, having to worry about so much.


I was thinking about my grandmother the other day... I remember her sitting in her rocking chair watching the traffic go by. My aunt cooked, cleaned (she was never married so the task of caregiving fell in her lap) and 'Ma' just sat, content with her life as it went on down that road. She was a cute little ole woman and lived to be 100.

And, my own mother... She was my age now (76) when my step-dad passed away and we moved her into a mobile home across our little driveway. In the beginning Mom did a little cooking for herself, she still drove to the grocery store occassionally and to church on Sunday but I can't remember her being bogged down with all the cares of the world. One of my memories is of her watching Elbert mow her grass and she'd run out with a drink of water for him, or he'd take her over a piece of pie or some food when she couldn't get out... or her sitting on her front porch watching butterflies in her yard.

I haven't sat and watched a butterfly in ages. No time. I am really feeling all the pressure of this Alzheimers disease. Now, that's something no one is ever prepared for, Alzheimer's I mean.

 Remember when everyone was talking about the Big C (meaning cancer). It was during John Wayne's cancer that we started hearing the term Big C. a lot and we all began to wonder and worry and perhaps we did a few things to help prevent the disease, at least for a little while.


No one to my knowledge has called Alzheimers the Big A. and no one prepared us for what lay ahead if a loved one got it. We wouldn't have believed them if they had told us. Nope, I wasn't prepared Big Time.


Over the last few years I have met many challenges that I wasn't prepared for... the sleepless nights, the chasing after Elbert in the middle of the night after he escaped the house, the cleaning up constant Poop (sorry, that may be offensive but it's the truth), the trying to get him up off the floor after his daily falls, the answering the same question a kazillion times a day. And finally after it all became overwhelming he did move into a nursing home.... and here comes the financial part of it. Worry, worry, worry.  The last few months have been tremendously trying (and thank God, for Shirley without whom I could not wade my way through all this financial mess) She's my ray of sunshine!!

TODAY'S BLESSING
Today I would like to thank my Shirley.... it hasn't been easy.... but you have been amazing. I thank God for you, for you are a true blessing. And, geez, you can be so funny right when I am at my lowest.

Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory

Elbert and I were in the living room waiting on lunchtime.He had been glad to see me this dreary Monday morning. So, we are sitting there and he is more talkative than he has been in a long time. But, I can't understand a word he is saying. He is inventing his own language. Sure wasn't Japanese... or Swahili or even English. Just sounds he was using to get his point across.  They were Elbert sounds and that was music to my ears. 

He grew quiet then I heard his soft voice humming a tune. I leaned nearer... yes, he was humming 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' and he hummed it all the way through. 

 Me, I am always pushing a little harder trying to get a little more out of him so I asked him to help me sing 'Amazing Grace'. He grew up on 'Amazing Grace' and has retained the wording of that good ole hymn .... until today. 

I started it off 'Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me'.... He was singing, yes, the words were coming out. But, they were in his newly found language. Oh well, he knew the tune. That was something to rejoice about.

ADAM and EVE IN THE GARDEN

Today was a good day with Elbert. The temp was in the mid 80s so I found him and the other residents in the courtyard enjoying the sunshine. After lunch we sat down on the love seat in the living area and I asked him if he wanted me to read some out of his Bible to him and he said yes. So, I scooted down to his room to retrieve the Bible he used the last few years of his ministry. 

I started reading Psalms and my reading caught the attention of a couple other residents and they listened for a bit. They particularly liked Psalm 23 for it was a memory from long ago and quite recognizable to them, even in their confused state. 

The new 'residents' of the Garden joined right in by singing for us. They are two parakeets and they are named 'Adam' and Eve' since they now live in 'The Garden'. 

The more I read aloud, the louder they sang. It was quite a challenge to make myself heard over their cheerful notes. But, that was alright. They are such pretty birds and their singing fills the air with music.

Louise (Elbert's 'friend') was restless today and she gave me quite a scare more than once. When I went down to Elbert's room I knew he was sitting on the love seat back in the living room area... Imagine how startled I was to have someone say 'hello' as I walked into the room. Yep, it was Louise sitting on Elbert's bed. She wasn't having any of going back to the living room with me so I left her there knowing she'd soon follow, which she did.

Later I had scooted out on the edge of my seat so I could face Elbert to talk to him when all of a sudden a hand started going up my back. It was Louise. You see, I was taking up all of Elbert's time and she was moving in on us big time. But, as I prepared to leave I passed the rocker she was sitting in and she grabbed my hand and said, 'my name is Louise' so I told her my name. She kissed my hand so I gave her a hug. Then I gave Elbert a big hug and a kiss and told him I'd see him later.

 

SPRING

Is Spring really here? It was such a gorgeous day yesterday and as I sat visiting with Elbert I wondered if he missed getting out and digging in the garden and flower beds. I wanted to take him for a drive but it's been quite awhile since he has noticed anything as we drove along the roadside. That's so sad. He did so love the out-of-doors. He'd head out first thing in the morning and I'd scarcely see him until it got too dark for him to see anything. Those days are over.

Yesterday I asked him if he remembered plowing an old mule one time and although he nodded I doubt that he does. We'd moved to the country and he wanted a big corn field. He got it planted with his tractor but when the corn grew tall he thought he needed to plow between the rows (why I don't know). We had an old plow but no horse or mule to pull it with. So, he borrowed a mule from his cousin.

Now, mules are stubborn, that is true, but this one had a double dose of stubbornness. Elbert fought that mule to keep it under subjection and he was totally worn out long before he'd finished plowing that patch. The mule would take one step, stop, turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his right, take another step, stop, turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his left. I am surprised we had any corn left after all that. It was the last time Elbert used a mule for anything.... and the last big corn patch we had. 

Just remembering things like that is painful to me. It brings tears to my eyes but it's all I have of Elbert. 

My Buddy

Yesterday just after lunch I walked into the Garden. Elbert had just finished his lunch. His face lit up when he saw me and he came toward me with arms outstretched 'My buddy' he said.