Count Down to Christmas

Christmas time always panics me when I start thinking about it (oh, about Nov. 1st). How will I ever get everything done? And, I stay in a panic for weeks and then all of a sudden, every gift is wrapped, cookies are made, the house is decorated. I just sort of sheepishly grin. I'd done it again. Panic, panic, panic. Looks like I'd learn.  Well, maybe some day.

I got out today to buy the last two of the gifts I needed. I hadn't been gone from home more than ten minutes and the rain started and hours later, it's still coming down. Now that I am back at home I like to listen to the sound of the rain hitting the roof.

There are three more days til the big day. I need to check my list.

All gifts bought   YES
All gifts wrapped NO
Cookies made     NO
House clean        NO
Music playing     YES
Lights twinkling   YES
My anticipation growing    YES

So, it looks like I am running even. Half done, half not.  Guess I need to get busy and wrap some gifts, clean the house, make some cookies....

Hmmm. I think I will just listen to the music playing, watch the twinkling lights and listen to the rain. Tomorrow is another day,  (oh, that was Scarlet that said that, sorry)

Thanksgiving

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will gather with some of the family to eat too much, play with the little ones, chat with the adults and wish I had my sweetie with me. I can see him now, standing at the head of the table carving the turkey, then he'd say grace and we'd eat until we couldn't move. That man did love to eat.

Some of the things for which I am thankful for this year

60 years of marriage to a wonderful man

A loving family

God's loving care always

Good health

Friends

Shelter, food and all I need to live each day

Sweet memories

So many blessings that appeared through the fog of grief and sadness.

I hope that each of you have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

Wintertime and being alone

I dread Wintertime. I dread Thanksgiving. I dread Christmas. I just dread being alone when it's cold and miserable outside and people don't come by and I can't get out. Bad time to be alone, that's for sure.

So, much of the time, when Elbert was with me, we'd sit in the sunroom and watch the birds. Yes, I have the feeders out already but it won't be the same... noone to say, 'hey, look at that little bird. He's really hungry this morning' .

We'd sit and watch the snow falling. We didn't have much snow in Alabama so we enjoyed the snowfalls in Virginia. It always seemed so magical, coming down in big flakes. I suppose the magic will be gone out of it this year.

In early December Elbert and I would bundle up and walk up the street to see our son-in-law's latest creation of Christmas lights on their house. This year I will make excuses... it's too cold, I am busy, can't go right now.

We always would get a call on Christmas morning ... 'come over, the kids are up and ready for Santa' and Elbert and I (already up and waiting) would walk over and we'd sit around the tree and open presents. Then, it got too much for Elbert, tire him out and he really didn't know what the hullabaloo was all about. He didn't even know that the presents were for him and that he was supposed to open them.

Yes, I dread all these first events... I have to focus on the here and now.

I can enjoy the birds and I might even start making note of all the different kinds I see

If we get snowfall I hope it is enough so that I can make 'snow cream'. I'd like that.

I might put my coat on and wander down the street. I will need to take a picture of all the lights. How else will I share them with all my wonderful blogging friends?

Christmas morning I will be waiting for that phone call. And, I will walk over and find my place beside the tree. I'll play with baby Dylan (he'll be 11 months by then) and I'll try to keep him from snatching ornaments off the tree.

I'll miss my guy that was always beside me, laughing and enjoying the family and all his presents.

Yep, I will make it, day by day, with a lot of help from God, family and friends. And, there will be memories made for me to cherish in years to come. In years to come, it will be easier, I think. Just not this year.

Veterans Day

I wanted to share with you a bit of our Veterans Day. Shirley and I went on Saturday and found the graves with flags waving in the breeze. It was such an awesome sight and such a peaceful scene. Here are a few pictures of our visit with Elbert and all the others buried at A.G. Horton Veterans Cemetery.

Daughter Shirley drew a heart in the sand with WB on it.

Missing my Fun Partner

                                           Halloween


                     I'm missing my trick or treat partner who was always fun to be with..............

                              He loved handing out candy to all the little ones in their costumes.

This caught my eye and my heart

Yes, I have gotten caught up in the interesting world of Pinterest. And, this pin really made me stop and think. It came from sunnysblog.typepad.com. Thank her for putting these thoughts in my head this morning.

'A true love story never ends'.......... and that says it all. If two people truly love each other, through all the trials that life has to offer, and love each other even after death... then that love story never ends.

I still feel the love so deeply that Elbert and I shared, through being young and so unprepared for life, through raising a family with all it's struggles and joys, through growing older, through Alzheimers and then through death. We were joined as one on Dec. 10, 1950 and all these years later we still are one.

Cherish each day you have with your loved one, keep that flame of love burning brightly. Then someday you may have that love to carry you through days that you will be alone.

Ducks In A Row

We knew for such a long time that there was no path we could take other than the one we were on. Elbert's life was spiraling downhill so the children and I started getting our 'ducks in a row', you know, making plans, getting our finances in order, writing down important things to remember at the time when we knew our thinking would be clouded by grief. We worked hard at getting those ducks in a row and I think we were pretty successful. Not much went awry.

Then when I was alone and life had to go on, I realized that a whole new family of ducks had moved in and I had to get busy getting all of them 'in a row'. It's been a struggle. How do you know how to carry   on? How do you make decisions by yourself that would have been previously made by the two of us? Talk about an empty, confused feeling!! I've been working on it. Making sure that what is left of my life runs smoothly, keeps me calm and somewhat content. For months I wasn't sure I could do this....

And, then, I got this feeling of peace, almost like God holding a road map up in front of me, showing me the path that I needed to be on. It may still have some bumps in the road as life itself is never without those bumps. But, I finally feel like I am going to make it.

I have gotten all the paperwork out of the way, met with all the 'important' people who hold my day to day existance in their hands, swept some unneccesary cobwebs out of my head, started making priorities, ridding my space of clutter. Things are looking up and those ducks are lining up pretty straight like those in the picture I posted.

I took that picture several years ago, never thought it would mean anything to me other than a brief sightseeing moment, but, you know, those ducks sitting on that log are a symbol of the work I have been doing and will continue to do. But, that a look at that picture again. There's some dadgum turtles on that log... those must be the 'bumps' I was talking about that I might encounter. Well, turtles are slow so I think I can overcome them. What do you think? You think I should take my foot and edge those turtles off into the water? Yeah... guess so, before they make my ducks fly off and mess up their row!!

Tieing up loose ends

I am finding that there are a lot of 'loose' ends that has to be taken care of. Paperwork, paperwork. For everyone I am sure it is different... Paperwork after death has to do with whatever your life involved around.

Once my brain started functioning on a somewhat normal level (after the funeral and the new experiences of being alone) I started on in that blasted PAPERWORK... I am a pretty independent person and I have been so determined to take care of things myself. But, do you know there were letters I received... and read....and forms to fill out that I lay aside saying I need a clearer mind to tackle that.

One was the nursing home final bill. It just didn't seem right to me so I drove down yesterday to see if I could find out what was wrong. Seems that one insurance we had wouldn't cover skilled care so they had billed me for it... BUT... the business office didn't have another insurance listed that Elbert had. Once that was figured into the equation I only owed them half what they said I did. I was so excited that I had handled that and with good results. In fact, I was so excited I drove over to my favorite sandwich shop and treated myself to their extra yummy chicken salad sandwich on croisant. Oh, my.

I can't believe that it is March already. Some small signs of spring, like my daffodils blooming, grass getting greener and the days a bit warmer some of the time. I was just thinking about a day trip Elbert and I took in 2001 a couple years after we moved to Va.  We had never been to Jamestown so we decided we would go. I mean, we were so close and to not see it seemed a real shame.

Elbert was such a people person. He never met a stranger, would talk to anyone and most times have them loving his stories and jokes. So, he naturally wanted his picture made with one of the Jamestown Settlement interpreter. Can't remember for sure but from the big smiles on both their faces I can just about guarantee that Elbert has just told her something funny.

Being a sailor and having served on several of our Naval ships he really was amazed at how tiny the Susan Constant was. He crawled around all over it.

And, then he 'pretended' to steer her to America.

I have been so blessed to have had Elbert for such a long time. He was always charming, fun and loved life to the enth degree.

First Events

After losing a loved one, facing those special occasions is a very difficult time. So many memories tied up with

Valentines day with presentations of the card and flowers or candy and loving kisses...

Christmas and the memories of family gathered around the tree

Thanksgiving and the head of the house carving the turkey with everyone waiting and watching, tummys growling.

and many other holidays.

I had my first encounter with a 'first event' just this past Tuesday. It was Elbert's 81st birthday. 

This Feb. 8th I was alone. My sweetheart was not celebrating a birthday this year.

I was with two daughters, Shirley and Susan and Susan's 3 year old, Tighe. We were in Baltimore for a couple of days and that was good. I had family around me and we stayed on the go all day on the 8th. Then night fell and I was lying on Tighe's bed while the girls were doing various chores around the hotel room. The sadness enveloped me and Susan sat down beside me and put her arms around me. 'Grandmother is sad' she told Tighe and he came and hugged me. Of course, that completely did away with any holding back of tears.

Susan asked me 'you want to be left alone, Mom, or do you want all of us to pile in on you' and before I could answer all three of them jumped on top of me, hugging and kissing and laughing and teasing. Yes, I will get through all those first events.... because I have such a special, loving family.

Days Long - Nights, too

How long is a day? 12 hours.

How long is a night? 12 hours.

Add them up and that is 24 hours.

Beg to differ with you there.

My days seem 50 hours at least and then the dark comes and night falls and it's 50 hours til daybreak.
Wintertime is the worst. The days are short, or so they say. But, they feel like the longest day of the year, each and every one of them.

I try to stay busy and goodness knows that all the paperwork following a death is a lot of work. But, my seconds, minutes and hours have a lack of direction to them. No getting in the car and heading to the nursing home. No sitting with my hubby for awhile, enjoying the time. No going shopping for special treats for him, or new pajamas or houseshoes. It's like someone came along and just sliced that part of my life right out of existence. How do I fill that time? How do I find a new direction?

The time will come one of these days when I do find a new meaning to my days and nights. Right now it's just so difficult.

Shock Gone

The numbness and shock that I have felt for two weeks wore off during the night last night. I awoke this morning missing Elbert, missing our life together, allowing myself finally to think back past Alzheimers. I had not allowed myself to 'think and feel'. I thought it would be easier that way. So I wrapped my mind, heart and body around the moment, doing very ordinary things. Then I was worried because I didn't grieve a lot.

Yesterday I was cleaning out a spare room upstairs and ran across a box of momentoes that I have saved over the years. I decided to scan some of the things and sort some out to give to the children. Yesterday I handled it well.... this morning I am full of tears remembering the good times and embracing the hurt and sadness and loss.

There were so many little pieces of paper (a telegram from 1951 where he informed me he and his buddy had arrived back in Calif from a visit to see me safe and sound).

There was a poem he had cut out of a magazine and wrote my name at the top and signed it with his at the bottom.

There were cards from flowers he had sent me, and some letters I had saved from the beginning of our relationship to recent times. There was a book of tickets from OUR egg farm back in the 50s.  We were short of money and he bought a hundred chickens from our landlady and sold eggs to sailors on the base.

And, so much more. We certainly lived a full life and most of the time a meaningful life. We traveled and did exciting things. We scrimped when the pay was low. We lived in all kinds of conditions and I wouldn't trade any part of it for the world. So, Honey, here's to you...... Thanks for giving me such a wonderful life. I will always cherish the memories.

Time

Today is Saturday Jan. 15th (I think). Elbert has been gone 12 days. It seems like months and months, even years, and in reality he has, not in body but in mind. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. I clean house then I sit then I load the dishwasher then I pace. My routine is scrambled like some egg in a frying pan. No more getting ready to go to the nursing home. An empty place in my heart.

Speaking of heart.... after Elbert's funeral I began to notice heart arrythmia, pretty strong. I've had palpatations before but nothing like this... I finally decided my heart was broken and no longer knew how to beat. I got a little concerned about it so I got on the internet and looked it up. One cause.... caffeine. Duh. During all the days of getting ready for the funeral, people bringing in food, family arriving etc. I just picked up whatever was available to eat or drink. And, I'd downed any soft drink sitting there. I cut out the caffeine and my heart is beating normal again. In grief we just don't care about anything. Maybe we all need someone to be our guardian during that time.

My family was and has always been amazing. They all were loving guardians (not over the food) for me. For a long time now they knew there was nothing they could do to improve their Dad's life so they turned their attention on me. Sometimes too much. (grin).

I was thinking yesterday that I have become too dependent on my children over the course of Elbert's illness. And, I just resolved to do something about it. I am going to be more independent, do anything I can do for myself and not even mention things that need my attention for they'd be here in a heart beat. No, it's time to take back my life. And, I am going to start by being healthier. I have gained too much weight during the years of sitting so I could be near Elbert. That has to be hard on that heart as well. My granddaughter came up to me during the visition at the funeral home and said, 'You know you are my only living grandparent now.'  There was this big pause and then she added sternly but with a smile 'No more Whoppers for you'.

I knew what she meant. I do love and I mean LOVE Whoppers. With extra onion, thank you. And, I don't pay attention to my carbs even though my blood sugar is a little high. A friend called yesterday. Her husband has type 2 diabetes and with her guidance over the food he ate he was able to stay off medicine. I told her I want to know what she does in her kitchen. I have a brand new kitchen and I don't cook. What is wrong with me, folks? ha  If any of you have low carb recipes I'd love for you to share them. I want to be healthy.

A Ray of Sunshine

Remember the tune 'Look For The Silver Lining'? Oh, you're not as old as me and have never heard of it!!  Sorry, you missed a great song. It was written by Jerome Kern and goes like this.

                                                   I look for the silver lining
                                             Whenever clouds appear in the blue
                                          Remember somewhere the sun is shining
                                                So the right thing for you to do
                                                      is make it shine for you.

                                                A heart full of joy and gladness
                                             will always banish sadness and strife
                                               So always look for the silver lining
                                              and try to find the sunny side of life.

There have been so many dark clouds on my horizon lately. This song came to mind this morning as I rejoiced in the birth of a new great grandson. Life has come full circle.

The baby was named Dylan Joel, born at 12:31 a.m. Jan 12, 2011, just 1 1/2 weeks after his great grandpa died. What a blessing that we see new life, new hope, a new beginning. And, oh, how his great grandpa would have adored him. I got to visit with the new parents and baby today. He's so alert, so beautiful. He's that silver lining in the dark clouds.

It's Been One Week

One week ago yesterday Elbert went home to be with the Lord.

I didn't know what to expect out of the grieving process nor had I ever really thought about it. Who wants to think of how they will act under such circumstances? Grief for each is different and very personal but I decided that I would continue this journey with all of you wonderful, caring friends who have held me up and sometimes carried me as I cared for Elbert. You enriched my life, you loved me and supported me and although when you come to the end of YOUR journey it will be, as I said, very different and very personal. At that time I hope that you can glean some little tidbit of comfort from being a wee bit prepared (from reading this blog)

This first week has been interesting. I have felt numb for most of the days and wanted to sleep. Oh, my how tired, emotionally and physically, I was and still am to some extent. It's okay to sleep and sleep I did. To begin with of course was the flurry of activity. Even though we had a prepaid funeral plan and had most of our information on file at the funeral home I found there still was a lot to do. Order flowers, which one daughter took care of. Arrange for the minister (our former pastor lives in Texas now), get an organist and soloist, make sure out of towners are notified. Is there enough food? Is there enough toliet paper for all this crowd? and kleenex? Where will everyone sleep? I have four children, inlaws, grandchildren. But, you know, it all took care of itself. People took over and just did.

I have had feelings of relief. I feel guilty having those feelings. I should have felt that I wanted him here with me as long as I lived. But, the truth is, I have lost him every single day for years. Too many to think about. I have grieved until I think I have just grieved all the tears out of me. I can't cry it seems. Oh, I did at the military part of his funeral. Lost it. And, that's good. I was burying my love, my companion. But, then the tears just did not come until night before last when I woke up at 3 a.m. I felt odd, like I was an unloving spouse for not shedding tears. I hope that in time I can cry my heart out. But, you know, I was not an unloving wife and I know he loved me so very much. As he lay dying he knew me and a lot of the family were there. When I'd say something to him he would try to turn his body and lift his arms up toward me to give me a hug.

Okay..... now I'm crying!! Maybe I just needed to talk about it and too, I have tried to be so strong for the children and grands. Shirley said yesterday 'Mom, you never cease to amaze me'. Well, kiddo... I do it for you!!

I've been in my house alone for one and a half years. So, settling down by myself in the house has been comparatively easy. Elbert was in a very loving nursing home and I feel that the family made the right decisions about first placing him in an assisted living and when he couldn't stay there to move him on to a nursing home. I couldn't have cared for him at home without round the clock help. We couldn't have been more pleased with his care at Consulate N.H.  In fact, after he passed some of the nurses were seen in the hallway crying. That's special care.

TIP: Do  your homework if you plan to use a nursing home. Get references, visit the facility at odd times, and keep a watch during your loved ones stay. The more you visit the more they are sure to be on task.

Yesterday, the one week anniversary, Shirley got me out of the house. She has been my mainstay for years. Well, I guess she had to be.... she lives next door. (grin) We dropped off flowers for the nursing home staff and a thank you card. We just wanted them to know how much we appreciated their attentiveness and kindness. Then on to pick up granddaughter, Britt, who was due any hour. She wanted to spend the night (and watch the football championship) with her Mom. Got a text message a bit ago..... they are headed to the hospital. Little Dylan is on his way.

How significant is that!!! Life passes on, a new life begins.

The Eulogy

We didn't move to Wakefield until signs of Alzheimers was already beginning to rob Elbert of his way of life. I wanted our 'new' friends to know him and I wanted the family, especially the Grandchildren, to remember their Papa as he used to be. So, some time back I made up my mind that I would get up and read the eulogy at his funeral.  I did and here is what I said:

Elbert and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary. We've known and loved each other most of our lives. When we met he was a tall, lanky lad of 17 years. I was 13. He joined the Navy and for the next 3 years we kept the postal service in business. In Dec of 1950 we were married.


Elbert grew up on a farm in Alabama, the oldest of 10 kids. A lot of responsibility fell on him at an early age. He helped his mother cook and care of the younger ones and he’d be the first to tell you that he’d probably washed more diapers than any woman he knew. He was his Mother’s buddy and he was an excellent son.


I am so proud of what he did with his life and I think he was proud of himself. He’d come from that little farm, worked his way up through the Navy ranks, was commissioned an officer and even was on staff at the Naval Academy. He was proud to serve his country and did so for 22 years. The night before the Battle of Inchon those young boys were scared to death. Elbert prayed that God would see him through and for the rest of that battle and the rest of his life he was never afraid. He also served in Vietnam.


He was the happiest person I have ever known. He just didn’t think that anything was worth being unhappy about. I thought he had the most beautiful smile, but one of my best memories of him was when he would always come in the back door whistling a happy tune.


If you knew Elbert well you’d know that he loved being the center of attention. He was always the life of the party wherever he went. He was always telling jokes and stories. He loved to laugh.


He was ordained as a Primitive Baptist minister in 1974 and co-pastured several churches in Alabama. God seemed to guide him in every step of his life.


He was an avid foxhunter. He was well-respected as an excellent hunter and field judge. I can just hear him now, his hunting horn to his mouth blowing the signal to call his dogs home.


Elbert loved his family beyond measure. Each of them were the light of his life…He was an inspiration to all the grandchildren and wanted the best for them….. So, grandchildren…it’s your turn now to carry on your Pa Pa’s legacy.


He loved me with such a deep, everlasting love. I was a very lucky lady to have known and been loved by Elbert Barton. I always knew when springtime came he’d come in from his walk in the woods carrying a tiny flower in his big hands. To me it was as precious as a dozen roses. I’d stuck it in my thimble and when it died, he’d bring me another. I always knew how much he loved me and as he was drawing his last breaths he would still turn toward me wanting to have a hug.


He truly believed that if you worked hard, treated people right and loved the Lord you could have a good life. And he did live a full life, complete with a lot of laughter and love.


As we gather today, although we will miss his physical presence, let us not just grieve but also celebrate his life as it was fully lived.