I HATE ALZHEIMERS

I went to visit with Elbert this morning. Hadn't seen him in a week. He was in the day room where several of the residents were doing some activities. I had taken along a magazine 'Birds and Blooms' and he enjoyed looking at the beautiful pictures. I did a crossword puzzle and asked him questions about the clues but that was above his comprehension. We did enjoy our time together. 

Lunchtime came. Elbert was seated at the table where he always eats. Gladys soon came in her wheelchair and got in place across from him. I saw Louise coming. She looked at me, then at Elbert. Uh oh, I thought to myself. But, what happened took me by surprise and touched my heart so much. I'll never forget it. 

She asked, 'Have I seen you before?'  

I said 'Yes'.  

She poked Elbert gently on the shoulder (we were standing behind his chair). 

'Do you know him?' she asked me. 

I said 'Yes'. 

'Who is he?' she wanted to know. 

'He's my husband'. 

Gladys, who is seldom quiet, piped up, 'I thought he was my boyfriend'.  

I said, 'No, he's my husband. We've been together for 59 years'. 

Louise is standing there taking it all in. She looked confused, uncertain. 'That's time enough to get to know each other', she says. 

Then her head dropped, 'I wonder where my husband is' she said.

Wow, that got me. Here I am, my dear husband within inches of me and she no longer has hers. He died several months ago. I turned and put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me. 'I bet your daughter knows where he is' I said hoping that would be of some comfort. 

'I don't know what I am supposed to be doing' she said. 'Can you call my daughter?'

So I tell her it's lunchtime, why don't we sit down to eat. 

'Oh, I have no money, 'she says. 

'Guess what', I replied. 'It's a surprise. It's free today'. 

She smiles but then she again complains that she doesn't know what she is supposed to be doing. She looks so lost and tears come to my eyes. I hear in her voice the confusion of not knowing where she is, where her family is, what she will do when it gets dark, what she should do right now. 

I hate Alzheimers. I hate it for me and Elbert and I hate it for Louise and I hate it for the others that have it and their families. This is not fair. I set her down at her table and tell the nurse, 'she's confused'. DUH... what a lame statement. It meant nothing but I had to say something. Then I turned, kissed Elbert and headed home.

Christmas party at Magnolia.

What a sweet evening to spend with my hubby. The food was great, 

the music fantastic (as Elbert said, 'they are doing great') and Marie and I were very happy that Elbert was alert and having the time of his life. 

Elbert and I even danced to Hogie Carmichael's 'Stardust'. Now, you young folks aren't gonna know who Hogie was but that's ok. He wrote some really great dance music in his time.

A trip to the dr. earlier in the afternoon was good news. The medication for the blood clot (and swelling) is working. Doc says he'll check Elbert again 'after the weather gets warmer... maybe springtime,' he says.

You just can't have it much better than that. As the evening wore on I'd look at Elbert and just want to slip him out the door and bring him home. Then, I'd remember that doing such a thing would not be the best idea I've ever had. However, I will have the memories of last night and the Magnolia Manor Christmas party with me forever.

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC

Oh, those good ole songs, like 'In The Mood', 'Harbor Lights', 'Chattanooga Choo Choo' and many others that make the foot pat and the hands clap. 

That was the fun Elbert, Shirley and I had last night as Magnolia Manor celebrated their 20th anniversary. Elbert sat waiting with anticipation. He knew something was going to happen, he just wasn't sure what it would be.

The music began and Elbert got right 'into' it, smiling, patting his foot, keeping time with his hands. He even named a few of the songs as they played.

 

Elbert always applauded each song. Look at that slight smile on his face. 

 

Break time and goodies to eat. Even though Elbert had eaten his dinner already he dived right into my and Shirley's plates. 

 

'I think I'll have one of your chicken wings, Shirley, and how about a drink of your coke?' He was having so much fun eating and enjoying himself and Shirley and I just loved watching him. 

 

I had requested that the band play 'Harbor Lights', a song Elbert and I had loved during our dating days when he was often at sea and I was on the shore waiting. I led him out to the hallway where there was more room and got him to dance with me but he had trouble making his feet follow the music. Oh well, he held me in his arms again. That was enough. 

It was a pretty morning, a bit muggy, maybe a chance of rain later in the afternoon. Sounded like a good day to visit Elbert so I headed over to Magnolia Manor.

I parked, gathered up my things (some wrapped candy for E., a couple more pair of socks, my quilting and my purse), pushed in the code and started down the hall of the Garden. I could see Elbert sitting at a table in the dining/tv room. A woman was sitting next to him.... and they were holding hands. That just sort of puts a knot in your stomach but I knew it meant nothing so I smiled and said hello to them both. I sat down and started to chat, 'who's your friend?' I asked.  'I don't know', Elbert said. He had never turned loose of her hand. The music from the tv picked up tempo and he started moving their hands in time to the music. I had gotten out my camera and snapped a shot or two and that seemed to please Elbert. 'Back up a little', he suggested. 'Oh, you want me to take a picture of the two of you?' I asked. He nodded and pointed toward his friend. The scene was one of comfort, I think. The woman was in bad shape in her journey through Alzheimers and here my husband was, holding her hand so she wouldn't be alone or afraid. I wanted to cry, not for jealousy sake but for the memories of the man I had known over 60 years. That caring, loving, kind, gentle human being that I had fallen in love with still lived in the body taken over by this dread disease. I was so grateful that I could still get glimpses of who he was (and still is).

A Visit Before My Surgery.

Eye surgery was Tuesday. Had no idea how long it would be until I could drive. Probably not long but I didn't know so I made sure I got to over to see Elbert on Monday afternoon.

When Shirley, Michael and I walked in, there he was sound asleep in a chair in the day room. Shirley shook him' 'Hey Dad... you have company'. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at us with a sort of surprised look. 'Come on... let's go down to your room and visit'. Shirley is fantastic in getting action out of her Dad. She sat down on the floor next to his rocker and started a dialog about first one thing, then the other. She showed him a card that his New York grandsons had sent and he loved that. Michael was tired and stretched out on his Dad's bed so Elbert teased that perhaps Michael could get a room at Magnolia Manor. Or they could be room mates. Shirley suggested bunk beds and Elbert laughed about that. He talked a good deal, Shirley pulling things out of him if he drooped his head to nod off. Too soon Martha showed up announcing Trivia time in the day room so we walked Elbert back down and left him in her care. I would have loved to have stayed out of the way and just watched to see how well he participated but it was time to go home and get ready for my surgery. I hated the thought of being incapacitated for a few days. But, if I was a good girl and did what the dr. said then I can soon go back to see Elbert soon and we can have a good visit.

Sunday visit and then a cookout

Folks, I have to tell you that my world feels upside down. I love the freedom but I miss my hubby. It is odd to sleep all night, go outside to putter in the flower bed, run to the post office. I have not had that freedom in a very long time. I actually feel embarrassed or ashamed to say that. I guess that is a normal reaction to giving up the caregiving and being on my own to come and go as I please. It would be much tougher if Elbert wasn't adjusting as well as he is.

And, Elbert.... ah, that Elbert. The eternal optimist, the forever happy, whistling guy, the roll with the punch sort of man that I married. I am so blessed that he has given me all these years of joy and love and now he is giving me peace and the ability to do what I need to do right now in my life. He's some sort of special person.

I went to see him yesterday after church. Daughter Marie and her grandson, Cane were with me. We had a good visit. I read him some jokes out of the Readers Digest and then I picked up a little book (can't remember the name of it right now) that has a quote on each page. He sat and read the entire thing aloud to us. Some quotes brought a chuckle out of him, some he said were so true. We took him back to the day room before we left so he wouldn't be alone.

Later in the afternoon Shirley (our birthday girl) called to invite us over for a cookout. They were making hobo packs and cooking them over hot coals in the yard. I sat there watching everyone enjoying the food and each other and was remembering the last time we had a hobo pack cookout at her house. Elbert had been with us and we had all had such a good time. Now we are in a new phase of our lives and making new memories. We won't forget the old ones but will add to them some special times in our lives now and in the future.

Tuesday Changed Everything

This week has been a very difficult week for the Barton family. Elbert and I have been married 58 1/2 years. A long, long time. And, this week I moved him into Magnolia Manor, into the memory wing. Hard decision and a heart breaking one.

Daughter Susan (the baby of our family) flew down from New York and the night before the move she and her Dad sat at the dining room table looking at an album of pictures and stories about a trip the three of us made to Europe 18 years ago (when things were wonderful and we thought they always would be). The next morning (Tuesday) we left the house and headed for Smithfield. Here is Susan and Tammie (the sitter) helping Elbert out to the car.

But.... first.... we had lunch together to celebrate Shirley's birthday. Her birthday is Sunday and she wanted to share her birthday with her Dad.

A picture with our hands all joined in support and solidarity. Grandson Christopher (who is left handed and has to sit where he doesn't elbow his lunch neighbor) was at the end of the table and you about can't see him.
Elbert and me at lunch.
Susan feeding her Dad some of her lunch.
We left the restaurant and drove over to Magnolia Manor. All of us walked down the hall to his room and he went in, sat down in his rocking chair and was soon taking a nap. Guess lunch wore him out.
After a short nap we heard him singing an old 50s tune under his breath. Can't remember now what it was. We asked him how he liked the room and he said he liked it, it was a very nice room. He didn't seem stressed, seemed more at home than we imagined he would. Then it was time to leave. The director said she'd bring a gentleman down from the assisted living wing to talk to Elbert while we left so it wouldn't leave Elbert so alone. The man had been military and also a school teacher just like Elbert. So, we said our goodbyes.
The next morning (yesterday/Wednesday) the director called. She had called from her home back to Magnolia Manor two or three times during the night to check on her newest resident. And, she reported he had a good night, ate a big breakfast and was in exercise class when she called me.

Later in the day Susan wanted to go by and see her Dad before she left this morning early to go back to NY and her family. She and Shirley visited him for awhile. I elected not to go in with them as I felt three was a crowd and might be overwhelming to him. So, I sat in the lobby and ran into the head nurse who reported some great news. The head nurse said that this morning as she walked down the hall she saw him outside his room so she went to him, helped him put his shoes on and took him to breakfast. Later in the morning he went with the rest of the residents out into the courtyard where they talked, sang songs and had juice. She says he's learning his way around, has learned who are the talkers and who won't talk to him and he acts like he has been there months and months, not just two days.

That report just lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. He is happy, he is doing more than he would do for me. OH.... and when the girls went down to see him he was watching an old Clark Gable movie. He's already picked out a favorite chair to sit in when he goes into the common room where the group gathers for activities and tv watching. I am so thrilled that the transition is going so well and that is making my transition so much easier. He always was a sweetheart... he still is.