My Buddy

Yesterday just after lunch I walked into the Garden. Elbert had just finished his lunch. His face lit up when he saw me and he came toward me with arms outstretched 'My buddy' he said. 

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC

Oh, those good ole songs, like 'In The Mood', 'Harbor Lights', 'Chattanooga Choo Choo' and many others that make the foot pat and the hands clap. 

That was the fun Elbert, Shirley and I had last night as Magnolia Manor celebrated their 20th anniversary. Elbert sat waiting with anticipation. He knew something was going to happen, he just wasn't sure what it would be.

The music began and Elbert got right 'into' it, smiling, patting his foot, keeping time with his hands. He even named a few of the songs as they played.

 

Elbert always applauded each song. Look at that slight smile on his face. 

 

Break time and goodies to eat. Even though Elbert had eaten his dinner already he dived right into my and Shirley's plates. 

 

'I think I'll have one of your chicken wings, Shirley, and how about a drink of your coke?' He was having so much fun eating and enjoying himself and Shirley and I just loved watching him. 

 

I had requested that the band play 'Harbor Lights', a song Elbert and I had loved during our dating days when he was often at sea and I was on the shore waiting. I led him out to the hallway where there was more room and got him to dance with me but he had trouble making his feet follow the music. Oh well, he held me in his arms again. That was enough. 

Defining Me

At age 75 I am trying to 'find myself'. With Elbert living elsewhere, the children all grown and taking care of themselves I am having a very hard time trying to find my place in this world.

I have been a caregiver for most of my life. Started out at age 18 with our first child. There followed 4 more children. During that time (following the death of Elbert's Mom) he and I also had 3 of his sisters at various time. We graduated all three of them from high school. We also kept my father-in-law part of the time. I had total care of my Mother for 12 years and then I have cared for Elbert for 9. I am not saying this in the way of getting sympathy or using a 'poor pitiful me' ploy. No, I am using this as a measuring stick, a divining rod to figure out just who I am and what am I to do with me now. My role in life has always been decided for me. Now I have the freedom to decide for myself and I don't know how.

I find myself restless, not so much outwardly but deep inside. My thoughts drift about like the seed of a dandelion floating on the wind. I just hope that the seed soon settles on the ground and takes root so that I will grow in the direction as I need to at this point in my life. I mean I'm not a teenager here and I don't have a ton of time ahead of me to figure it all out. (grin)

I feel like I want a complete change. I have lost interest in many of the things that had appealed to me in the past. I want new direction and yet I am afraid of turning loose of the old one.

My daughter says that I have a new life now and that may be so. I went to visit Elbert at the Garden today and felt absolutely useless. He read the paper that I had brought him, chatted briefly with another resident, Louise, who was trying to get him to 'take a walk' and promptly fell asleep when we tried to watch a movie. I could have been a thousand miles away for all he was concerned. He has made his life at the Garden, made new friends and he's very comfortable.

I just gotta figure out how to make my life now without taking care of someone else. Gee, that could be great.... if I ever figure it out.

Dissolved to Tears

Oh, brave little me!! How sweet to find my husband holding hands with another woman. He was comforting her, I told myself. That really did not bother me during my visit on Saturday or later on that day.

But, come Sunday morning the picture in my mind changed, my forgiving and understanding heart put up a wall and the tears began to flow. It hurts. Yes, it does hurt to see your husband holding hands with someone else. Sandra Day O'Connor may say she's fine with her dementia laden husband finding a new girlfriend. But, I bet at night it gnaws at her insides and she feels lonely and abandoned. And, that is how I am feeling as I start a new week by myself.

Feeling by myself is a tough situation to be in. I've never been by myself in my life. As I grew up, Mom and I lived in the household with my grandparents and a maiden aunt. I was surrounded by love. Then I met Elbert and we married (it was just before my 17th birthday) and he moved me to California where he was stationed in the Navy. But, I now had the companionship and love of my sweet partner. Children followed in quick succession so my life was busy, filled with the ups and downs of raising a family.
Then came Elbert's retirement (and the adjustment of having him home 24/7) We did our own thing but also had some amazing trips and times with our family who was now scattered over the east coast. No, I wasn't alone ever. And, now, the house creaks and sighs with moans of loneliness. I fill my days with hobbies long neglected and wonder about Elbert as he makes new friends in a new place in his life that doesn't seem to include me.

It was a pretty morning, a bit muggy, maybe a chance of rain later in the afternoon. Sounded like a good day to visit Elbert so I headed over to Magnolia Manor.

I parked, gathered up my things (some wrapped candy for E., a couple more pair of socks, my quilting and my purse), pushed in the code and started down the hall of the Garden. I could see Elbert sitting at a table in the dining/tv room. A woman was sitting next to him.... and they were holding hands. That just sort of puts a knot in your stomach but I knew it meant nothing so I smiled and said hello to them both. I sat down and started to chat, 'who's your friend?' I asked.  'I don't know', Elbert said. He had never turned loose of her hand. The music from the tv picked up tempo and he started moving their hands in time to the music. I had gotten out my camera and snapped a shot or two and that seemed to please Elbert. 'Back up a little', he suggested. 'Oh, you want me to take a picture of the two of you?' I asked. He nodded and pointed toward his friend. The scene was one of comfort, I think. The woman was in bad shape in her journey through Alzheimers and here my husband was, holding her hand so she wouldn't be alone or afraid. I wanted to cry, not for jealousy sake but for the memories of the man I had known over 60 years. That caring, loving, kind, gentle human being that I had fallen in love with still lived in the body taken over by this dread disease. I was so grateful that I could still get glimpses of who he was (and still is).

A Visit Before My Surgery.

Eye surgery was Tuesday. Had no idea how long it would be until I could drive. Probably not long but I didn't know so I made sure I got to over to see Elbert on Monday afternoon.

When Shirley, Michael and I walked in, there he was sound asleep in a chair in the day room. Shirley shook him' 'Hey Dad... you have company'. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at us with a sort of surprised look. 'Come on... let's go down to your room and visit'. Shirley is fantastic in getting action out of her Dad. She sat down on the floor next to his rocker and started a dialog about first one thing, then the other. She showed him a card that his New York grandsons had sent and he loved that. Michael was tired and stretched out on his Dad's bed so Elbert teased that perhaps Michael could get a room at Magnolia Manor. Or they could be room mates. Shirley suggested bunk beds and Elbert laughed about that. He talked a good deal, Shirley pulling things out of him if he drooped his head to nod off. Too soon Martha showed up announcing Trivia time in the day room so we walked Elbert back down and left him in her care. I would have loved to have stayed out of the way and just watched to see how well he participated but it was time to go home and get ready for my surgery. I hated the thought of being incapacitated for a few days. But, if I was a good girl and did what the dr. said then I can soon go back to see Elbert soon and we can have a good visit.

Sunday visit and then a cookout

Folks, I have to tell you that my world feels upside down. I love the freedom but I miss my hubby. It is odd to sleep all night, go outside to putter in the flower bed, run to the post office. I have not had that freedom in a very long time. I actually feel embarrassed or ashamed to say that. I guess that is a normal reaction to giving up the caregiving and being on my own to come and go as I please. It would be much tougher if Elbert wasn't adjusting as well as he is.

And, Elbert.... ah, that Elbert. The eternal optimist, the forever happy, whistling guy, the roll with the punch sort of man that I married. I am so blessed that he has given me all these years of joy and love and now he is giving me peace and the ability to do what I need to do right now in my life. He's some sort of special person.

I went to see him yesterday after church. Daughter Marie and her grandson, Cane were with me. We had a good visit. I read him some jokes out of the Readers Digest and then I picked up a little book (can't remember the name of it right now) that has a quote on each page. He sat and read the entire thing aloud to us. Some quotes brought a chuckle out of him, some he said were so true. We took him back to the day room before we left so he wouldn't be alone.

Later in the afternoon Shirley (our birthday girl) called to invite us over for a cookout. They were making hobo packs and cooking them over hot coals in the yard. I sat there watching everyone enjoying the food and each other and was remembering the last time we had a hobo pack cookout at her house. Elbert had been with us and we had all had such a good time. Now we are in a new phase of our lives and making new memories. We won't forget the old ones but will add to them some special times in our lives now and in the future.