It's a rainy day and I was just sitting here thinking.......

Remembering days (and years) past. There are times I feel like I have climbed to the top of the stairs and then I stumble and go plunging down, around and around into that big black hole

and tears come and I feel such a hole in my heart.

I miss his smile!!

He was always smiling, so happy, so much fun. Gee, I miss that.

I miss his hugs....

He loved people. And, he could be such a kid.

How did this happen? We were supposed to grow old together ... But years of Alzheimers stole him from me. He'd always been there for me and I cared for him for those long trying years. I found out one thing about myself...

I will pick myself up, climb those stairs again and start all over, taking one day at a time. It's been 14 months since he left ....

Taking Steps

I get a newsletter from the funeral home that handled Elbert's arrangements. Sometimes it is helpful, sometimes not. However, an article caught my eye and since I did not see a copyright on it I am going to share it with you.

I must be making some progress. I can already check off some of those but there is work left to do.  How about you? If you have lost a loved one, how are you doing? Just realize that it is the toughest thing you will ever go through and give yourself time to heal.

New Perspective

A trip to my daughters in New York always fills me with new thoughts, new plans... I promise myself 'I'm gonna do this or do that when I get home' and then I return to the daily grind and I forget about the promise. But, I am sure going to try to change all of that.

What I wanted to talk with you about today refers to a long talk me and Susan and Shirley had on Sunday morning. I talk with my children about my grief. They grieve, too, and it helps to just put it out there and share. Although I am always open with them, I found, on Sunday morning, that I wasn't being OPEN with myself.

I have spent this past year, after losing Elbert, trying to 'find myself'.

                                    Who was I without him?
                      Who was I going to be in the years to come?

Shirley reminded me that I know who I am, it's finding out what PURPOSE I now have that is my biggest trial. My purpose since I was nearly 17 was to be a good, loving wife to Elbert,

 to be a good, loving mother, (pictured here with my son at his wedding)

then I strived to be a good, loving caretaker to my Mother

 and then to Elbert.

I had 'purpose'. It drove me, it defined me.


2011 was a year filled with indecisiveness, confusion, it was a 'lost in a fog' year. And, it spilled over into the new year. I have been struggling so much. One day I think I have it figured out and the next I am right back not knowing what to do.

I just wonder how many other widows go through this phase. Am I the only one? How do I get out of it?


As I said, the talk with my daughters (as we stood in Susan's kitchen) found me opening up about so much. I knew that as I began to crawl out of the initial shock of losing Elbert, I began doing 'Normal' things. Hey, I must be getting SO much better. I'd tell myself, Tomorrow, I will be over all this. Talk about denial!! Oh, that's another step of grieving... denial is. So, I denied to myself and everyone around me that I was moving right along, I was getting over this depression, this grief. Oh yes, I still cried, I still ached... but, hey,  I'm a big girl. I handled yesterday so I will be even better today.... Denial!!


I made plans, I moved on with my life, I told myself those things. I made trips, I cleaned house, I enjoyed my family, I saw my friends.  And, I tried to help a widower who is in worst denial than I am and you know the story about that. I going to be the caregiver again. THAT WAS IT.... I was so used to being a caregiver I just didn't know how not to be. When would I turn loose of that?

When would I start thinking about what it was I wanted out of life?


The girls told me I needed to 'step out of my box', meet new people, do new things, find that PURPOSE that made me happy and fulfilled me.


I opened up to them about my loneliness. I have always liked MY SPACE,...  I mean I had MY SPACE before there was ever a MY SPACE on the internet. I was basically an only child, living in a household of adults. I grew up that way, then I married a man who was gone a lot. Uncle Sam saw to that. When he retired he enjoyed his hunting, fishing and I enjoyed MY SPACE. It's just who I am. But, loneliness is something else altogether. My children have their own lives and I would never 'hang on to my kids'. My friends, well,  almost all of them have husbands. So, yes I am lonely and I think that is why I graviated toward helping out the widower. It gave me a purpose, it was what I was used to.


So, I came home from my visit in New York filled with ideas. I hope you gals can help keep me on track. Now let me fall into that slump again.


1. I am thinking of joining a gym.
     Reason: I am overweight, out of shape and need to be healthier. And, I would meet new people.


2. I need to finish a novel I started before Elbert got so bad I had to put it aside.
     Reason: I have always liked to write. I feel that my time to actually do a worthwhile book is now.


3. I need to take care of myself
      Reason: I've never had time to think about myself. I now have time to do anything I want to and I should pursue what makes me happy and keeps me active.


4. Take one day at a time
      Reason: I have spent the last year trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I may not have a tomorrow or next year. None of us have that guarantee. I need to enjoy each day and stop being so confused about all the crap. Excuse my language there. But, I have let crap just fill my brain and I am not stopping to enjoy moments, be happy in my own space.


So, I have work to do. Get healthier... finish my novel..... think about me for a change.... and stop trying to make it so dang hard. Life is a journey, I need to enjoy the trip.

New Territory

                                                
As all of you know, that have followed this blog, of my and Elbert's journey through Alzhiemers, that I have always been open and honest with you. I hope that some of what I have experienced has been helpful to you. Just jotting it down in black and white has helped me deal with all the trials and goodness knows you all have been so sweet, so caring.

So, I am going to talk about something that is definately 'New Territory' for me. Some of you have never considered this (and are not at that point in your life) and some of you may have thought about it, some may have already covered this new way of life for themselves. There is no road map to guide you.

I am talking about opening up yourself, your life to another person of the opposite sex. The years of caregiving are gone, the pain and suffering of losing someone you love so deeply is getting a tad easier (and I said, a tad).... and you start to think about being alone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! You miss the sound of a man's voice, a tender hug, a sweet kiss. You know you can never have those things again with your spouse, however, there comes a time when you begin to know that you are human, that you are lonely, that you need companionship.

I started having some wee thoughts creep in to this weary, vacant mind of mine. I know that 'I'll never marry again' and living with someone is not 'my thing' either. I didn't really like these thoughts but they came and went. And, then I got into this situation recently that I wanted to share with you.

A girlfriend of mine was concerned about a friend of hers who had lost his wife some months ago. He never talked about his pain, never dealt with his grief, but sat staring at the tv and he was very lonely. So, when she asked if I would be willing to go to lunch with him I said yes. I'd been in that same frame of mind, maybe I could help.

I met him in Nov. and by the middle of Dec. (when his wife had been gone about 6 months) I began picking up on subtle hints that he thought there was a future for us. Then he became less subtle!! I wasn't ready to have a romantic relationship and I sure didn't think he had moved past the 'denial' stage of his grieving. What to do...... it was a dilemma I was totally unfamiliar with and one I was so uncomfortable with. I knew that it was time for me to say goodbye to this gentleman. And, so I did.

It's difficult to know when the right time is (if ever) to move on with your life. Evidently the time is not right for me and it may never be. I was married to the best. And, I found it awfully hard not to compare!!
I would never advise anyone on what they should do with their life but I will say this. Be careful as you move past your deep grieving so that you may be fully in tune with what you need, what you want and what and who you are willing to let into your life. Go slow, be sure. It's difficult to be alone so I am not saying that you should never have companionship again. I know many 'second marriages' that have worked and turned out very happy. That course to take is for the individual to determine.

The nights are long, the way is rough and there is much soul searching that I have to do. However, there is a new day dawning and what it holds I know not but I vow that it will be exciting and it will be what I want, what I need and I will be okay. That's what Elbert would have wanted for me.

Hardee's On Mondays

This was Hardee's on Monday morning (in the old days when Elbert was with us) ... Shirley and I still go up every Monday morning, keeping up the tradition that Elbert so enjoyed. Most of the time the two of us just talk. We talk about family, the state of the world, what we want to do with the rest of our lives and sometimes we talk about Elbert. The tears come then and we feel his presence, his love surrounding us. It's a cleansing thing, a time of remembrance, a time to reflect.

So, Monday mornings are Hardee's days. Shirley and I love that sweet tea. It's a southern thing you know. We wave to friends having coffee and sometimes we stop to chat. They used to ask about Elbert (after he couldn't go) and now they ask how I am doing. I say I am doing alright. Time is healing the sorrow and it's wonderful to know that people still remember him and that he was well liked in a community that had not known him before Alzheimers. His personality was so infectious. I sure do miss that sweet smile.

A Bag of Taters Goes a Long Way

As I have been quite open about my struggle with indecisiveness, restlessness... and a bunch of other ness's, I have had some of you suggest that I start giving more than just sitting at home. I keep pretty busy with my little projects at home but I did take your advice.

I've always been involved in club work and in that way giving to others through the projects they would have. But, with caregiving you just can't give of yourself more than you have to give. With that phase of my life over I needed to find some way to get outside of myself, to give to others, to find a purpose.


What I'm getting at is .... now you got to realize that after years of Elbert wandering during the night and me not having a sound nights sleep for years I love to sleep in. Not bad late, just later than a lot of people. So, I got up at an early hour yesterday morning. Before the alarm went off, I'll have you know. And, I went down to the Methodist church's House of Hope, a food bank ministry that they have. Food is obtained from a food bank in the nearest city and then distributed to those locals in need by the church women.


First I was weighing potatoes. Three lbs. went into a plastic bag and each person would get one bag of potatoes.

Then I put a frozen chicken in with the bag of potatoes.

It was a hot muggy day with no air in the building and my friend, that was doing chicken with me, and I just wanted to crawl right into that freezer. It felt so good every time we opened the lid.


We were finished by noon and I walked out of there feeling really good about helping others and doing something worthwhile. So, you girls that suggested I volunteer were right!! Thank you for the encouragement.


I feel very blessed today that I have people who encourage me, to stand by me, and I am thankful I am involved in a project that helps others.

Walk through the door

In the months following Elbert's death I struggled with finding my way without him. It has been difficult and very sad for me but just this past week I felt a change. A change can be good and I think this one is.

No one can prepare you for the grieving process because each person is different. You have to deal with your own emotions, feel for your own place in life so that you can go on. I don't say that one minute you are grieving, the next it's over. You can't sever the ties of a happy marriage like they never existed. Tears still come very easily for me, my heart hurts, I feel empty inside. However, I have experienced a sensation of walking through a door and nearly closing the door behind me. I said nearly!! I believe in a short time that door will close and I will walk on the other side of all the deep emotions that has come close to bringing me to my knees.

There's been a lot of anger I had to work through. Personal issues as well as the knowledge that Elbert didn't deserve alzheimers. He was healthy, he took care of himself. He did not have a history of alzheimers in his family. He was a Christian. He embraced every moment of his life and found joy in it. It just didn't seem fair. I even got angry that he dare go off and leave me!

The anger is gone now. I feel at peace with decisions I have made, changes I have adopted, doors I have closed. I feel God's hand in all of this, that He knows the answers of 'why Elbert?'. And, I know that He will guide me in my remaining days on earth. So, yes, I have walked through that door and stepped out into the light that He shines on me.

I just want to add that the support and caring that my blogging friends have shown me throughout this time has been great comfort to me. I love you all. I pray often for my Alzheimer caregivers. I know what it is like and wish I could help lift the burden. Maybe one day soon they will find a cure.  

Ducks In A Row

We knew for such a long time that there was no path we could take other than the one we were on. Elbert's life was spiraling downhill so the children and I started getting our 'ducks in a row', you know, making plans, getting our finances in order, writing down important things to remember at the time when we knew our thinking would be clouded by grief. We worked hard at getting those ducks in a row and I think we were pretty successful. Not much went awry.

Then when I was alone and life had to go on, I realized that a whole new family of ducks had moved in and I had to get busy getting all of them 'in a row'. It's been a struggle. How do you know how to carry   on? How do you make decisions by yourself that would have been previously made by the two of us? Talk about an empty, confused feeling!! I've been working on it. Making sure that what is left of my life runs smoothly, keeps me calm and somewhat content. For months I wasn't sure I could do this....

And, then, I got this feeling of peace, almost like God holding a road map up in front of me, showing me the path that I needed to be on. It may still have some bumps in the road as life itself is never without those bumps. But, I finally feel like I am going to make it.

I have gotten all the paperwork out of the way, met with all the 'important' people who hold my day to day existance in their hands, swept some unneccesary cobwebs out of my head, started making priorities, ridding my space of clutter. Things are looking up and those ducks are lining up pretty straight like those in the picture I posted.

I took that picture several years ago, never thought it would mean anything to me other than a brief sightseeing moment, but, you know, those ducks sitting on that log are a symbol of the work I have been doing and will continue to do. But, that a look at that picture again. There's some dadgum turtles on that log... those must be the 'bumps' I was talking about that I might encounter. Well, turtles are slow so I think I can overcome them. What do you think? You think I should take my foot and edge those turtles off into the water? Yeah... guess so, before they make my ducks fly off and mess up their row!!

Searching

I ran across a long poem (which I am not going to bore you with the whole thing) that struck a cord in my heart. This pretty much sums up how I have felt so far this year.

                                                              AMPLIUS

                                       I must make my way to the mountains,
                                              and find a path to the sea,
                                       let the far and silent places
                                              become a part of me,
                                       for my world has grown so small,
                                              that there is no room at all
                                       for my spirit twisting, turning
                                              to be free.

thank you, John David Burton, for such an impelling look at my life as it is today. The poem in it's entirety is found in the book 'Fire In The Soul' by Richard Lyon Morgan.