We knew for such a long time that there was no path we could take other than the one we were on. Elbert's life was spiraling downhill so the children and I started getting our 'ducks in a row', you know, making plans, getting our finances in order, writing down important things to remember at the time when we knew our thinking would be clouded by grief. We worked hard at getting those ducks in a row and I think we were pretty successful. Not much went awry.
Then when I was alone and life had to go on, I realized that a whole new family of ducks had moved in and I had to get busy getting all of them 'in a row'. It's been a struggle. How do you know how to carry on? How do you make decisions by yourself that would have been previously made by the two of us? Talk about an empty, confused feeling!! I've been working on it. Making sure that what is left of my life runs smoothly, keeps me calm and somewhat content. For months I wasn't sure I could do this....
And, then, I got this feeling of peace, almost like God holding a road map up in front of me, showing me the path that I needed to be on. It may still have some bumps in the road as life itself is never without those bumps. But, I finally feel like I am going to make it.
I have gotten all the paperwork out of the way, met with all the 'important' people who hold my day to day existance in their hands, swept some unneccesary cobwebs out of my head, started making priorities, ridding my space of clutter. Things are looking up and those ducks are lining up pretty straight like those in the picture I posted.
I took that picture several years ago, never thought it would mean anything to me other than a brief sightseeing moment, but, you know, those ducks sitting on that log are a symbol of the work I have been doing and will continue to do. But, that a look at that picture again. There's some dadgum turtles on that log... those must be the 'bumps' I was talking about that I might encounter. Well, turtles are slow so I think I can overcome them. What do you think? You think I should take my foot and edge those turtles off into the water? Yeah... guess so, before they make my ducks fly off and mess up their row!!