Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Walk through the door
In the months following Elbert's death I struggled with finding my way without him. It has been difficult and very sad for me but just this past week I felt a change. A change can be good and I think this one is.
No one can prepare you for the grieving process because each person is different. You have to deal with your own emotions, feel for your own place in life so that you can go on. I don't say that one minute you are grieving, the next it's over. You can't sever the ties of a happy marriage like they never existed. Tears still come very easily for me, my heart hurts, I feel empty inside. However, I have experienced a sensation of walking through a door and nearly closing the door behind me. I said nearly!! I believe in a short time that door will close and I will walk on the other side of all the deep emotions that has come close to bringing me to my knees.
There's been a lot of anger I had to work through. Personal issues as well as the knowledge that Elbert didn't deserve alzheimers. He was healthy, he took care of himself. He did not have a history of alzheimers in his family. He was a Christian. He embraced every moment of his life and found joy in it. It just didn't seem fair. I even got angry that he dare go off and leave me!
The anger is gone now. I feel at peace with decisions I have made, changes I have adopted, doors I have closed. I feel God's hand in all of this, that He knows the answers of 'why Elbert?'. And, I know that He will guide me in my remaining days on earth. So, yes, I have walked through that door and stepped out into the light that He shines on me.
I just want to add that the support and caring that my blogging friends have shown me throughout this time has been great comfort to me. I love you all. I pray often for my Alzheimer caregivers. I know what it is like and wish I could help lift the burden. Maybe one day soon they will find a cure.