Our Trip To The Beach

Twice a year Shirley and I go to the beach for a week of scrapbooking with about 20 women. We look forward to it so much and this year was no exception. But, all the best laid plans of mice and men and women who crop ... well, you know how that goes. Nothing seemed to go right this year. We probably should have just stayed home.

                                    (this picture was made last Oct.)

We arrived Monday around noon. A few of the gals were already there and Shirley and I got settled down to working on our scrapbooks. It was a small room, no view to speak of, couldn't hear the ocean waves or see the water except for a sliver from the upstairs room window. Restaurants were closed and we liked to have never found a place to eat.

And, eating got Shirley into a ton of trouble!! We ate Monday night and she woke up Tuesday morning with her throat swollen nearly shut, she could barely swallow, she was having chills and a fever. She did continue to stay up until 5:30 that afternoon, went to sleep and was not able to get up until 9 the next morning. So, we headed home and a doctor visit for her.

The night we ate out, she had eaten some habanero peppers that were hidden in some mango salsa and had a severe allergic reaction. There's a name for it but I don't remember what it is. The doctor said next time, she'd go into shock so she is now equipped with an epi-pen to carry with her, just in case. Boy, that was scary. Glad we are back home and she is slowly recovering.

So, no... the beach trip was not a good time for us. Maybe next time.

A Woman of Courage

In this series of inspiring widows I could not leave out the woman who inspired me the most. My Mother.

I was still an unborn babe when my Dad died. That tragedy (he was hit by lightning)  left my young Mother a widow with an 8 1/2 year old and an unborn child. It was during the  lean years of the Depression. She had no skills, no money (my Dad was a farmer). She must have been scared to death besides deeply grieving the loss of the love of her life. Their car was sold, so was the wagon to probably pay for the funeral. The mule had been killed in the lightning strike. 

There was nothing she could do but move in with my grandparents. She soon went to work at a nearby cafe/tourist camp cleaning rooms. Later on she walked 3-4 miles to town to work with the WPA, first cleaning and sorting books in the library. Maybe that is one reason I love to read so much! Next she went to work, the WPA again, cutting fabric to be made into dresses. Always walking to and from work, rain or shine, hot or cold.

I never saw my Mother complain about anything but she must have been exhausted from her daily grind and she'd come home to a tot of a girl (me) who wanted stories told to her as we fell asleep in the same bed. I can actually remember my Mother drifting off to sleep right in the middle of the story. 

My Mother did not remarry until I was 13 years old. My step-dad died several years before she did. Not once did I see her without grace, without a heart of gold. She drew such strength from her faith and from her upbringing. She set such a wonderful example for us girls... to tough it out through thick and thin teaching us that life is what it is and that we should make the most of every day, to be happy with what we had, and to be gracious to everyone. My Mom died in 1996. I grieve her still.

Humor Abounds

That husband of mine was always so full of life and so funny. He enjoyed everything about living and could take the most mundane things to find joy in. I was thinking today about the times he would just crack us up....

This is my 'Willie Nelson' kind of husband.... picking and singing. He couldn't play a gituar but he loved to 'play like he could'

Boys will be boys.... riding on one of the grandsons scooters. He was a little kid again, having a ball.

We are in the Elizabethan Gardens in Manteo, N. C. and I am trying to take a

SERIOUS picture of Elbert sitting on a limb of one of the trees. Just as I snapped... he stuck his tongue out at me. You had to laugh at silly antics like this.

Elbert really was trying hard to get that rowing machine going... it wasn't funny to him but we thought it was. 'Row, row, row your boat, Honey...'

We had this picture made at a Beachmaster's Reunion. Love those muscles my sailor has!! And, my long, flowing gold tresses. We were always up for the unique and crazy.

Elbert was already sick with Alzheimers yet he had not forgotten how to stick that tongue out at me.

Another crazy picture. This one was taken at Opryland in Tennesse with Elbert, me, daughter Marie and granddaughter Yvonne.

I can look back now at all  these good times and relive the fun and enjoyment of just being together.
Miss you Honey.

Elbert's Birthday

February 8th.... Elbert's birthday.... Oh how many birthdays we celebrated together!!

But, today things were not the same. Instead of our little quiet dinners in a restaurant somewhere, or dinner at home with a homecooked meal and presents, I awoke to a dark, dreary day. I knew it was not going to be a good day, that's for sure!!

Shirley came to pick me up and we were joined by granddaughter Brittany and little Dylan. We enjoyed a late breakfast at IHOP. Dylan really enjoyed his food. He's learning to use a fork and more food ended up on the floor than in his tummy.

Then on to the cemetery to place birthday flowers on Elbert's grave. The following pictures are how the visit went.

                                                         'Hello, GPa. I came by to visit you. I'm growing like a weed and having fun. Sorry I never got to meet you but Mommy says you were the best Papa ever'.

'Gigi says that she needs me to help her place some flowers here for you. She says you loved to grow things. I bet you grew lots of flowers just like this...... Here, is this in the right place, Gigi?'

'Gigi, what do you think? You think we fixed them just like he'd like them?..... Oh good, I'm glad'

'Dylan, that is your GPa. See his name right there. He would have loved all you little guys so much. I'm so sorry he isn't here to be with all of us'

'Well, GPa, we gotta go now. Mommy says we do, so I will give you a big hug and I promise I'll come back to visit you soon'.

And, so ended our visit at the cemetery. Yes, I am bawling as I do this post. It's tough, girls, really tough. I hate it!! But, I will wake up in the morning and go on with whatever my life requires. And, I will feel so blessed to have had him for more than 60 years.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day

Now, who in the heck decided that if a groundhog saw his shadow there would be more winter?  Guess it all depends on what time of day that ole groundhog came out of his hole.

Take this morning.... if the groundhogs around here had come out before noon... he'd of gone right back in and stayed there

However... it is noon... and the sun is shining and if he comes out this afternoon I guess he'll stay out awhile and enjoy all this lovely weather.

I feel sort of like the groundhog that came out after the sun came out. I feel like I am in a new phase and I am enjoying my 'sunshine'.

New Perspective

A trip to my daughters in New York always fills me with new thoughts, new plans... I promise myself 'I'm gonna do this or do that when I get home' and then I return to the daily grind and I forget about the promise. But, I am sure going to try to change all of that.

What I wanted to talk with you about today refers to a long talk me and Susan and Shirley had on Sunday morning. I talk with my children about my grief. They grieve, too, and it helps to just put it out there and share. Although I am always open with them, I found, on Sunday morning, that I wasn't being OPEN with myself.

I have spent this past year, after losing Elbert, trying to 'find myself'.

                                    Who was I without him?
                      Who was I going to be in the years to come?

Shirley reminded me that I know who I am, it's finding out what PURPOSE I now have that is my biggest trial. My purpose since I was nearly 17 was to be a good, loving wife to Elbert,

 to be a good, loving mother, (pictured here with my son at his wedding)

then I strived to be a good, loving caretaker to my Mother

 and then to Elbert.

I had 'purpose'. It drove me, it defined me.


2011 was a year filled with indecisiveness, confusion, it was a 'lost in a fog' year. And, it spilled over into the new year. I have been struggling so much. One day I think I have it figured out and the next I am right back not knowing what to do.

I just wonder how many other widows go through this phase. Am I the only one? How do I get out of it?


As I said, the talk with my daughters (as we stood in Susan's kitchen) found me opening up about so much. I knew that as I began to crawl out of the initial shock of losing Elbert, I began doing 'Normal' things. Hey, I must be getting SO much better. I'd tell myself, Tomorrow, I will be over all this. Talk about denial!! Oh, that's another step of grieving... denial is. So, I denied to myself and everyone around me that I was moving right along, I was getting over this depression, this grief. Oh yes, I still cried, I still ached... but, hey,  I'm a big girl. I handled yesterday so I will be even better today.... Denial!!


I made plans, I moved on with my life, I told myself those things. I made trips, I cleaned house, I enjoyed my family, I saw my friends.  And, I tried to help a widower who is in worst denial than I am and you know the story about that. I going to be the caregiver again. THAT WAS IT.... I was so used to being a caregiver I just didn't know how not to be. When would I turn loose of that?

When would I start thinking about what it was I wanted out of life?


The girls told me I needed to 'step out of my box', meet new people, do new things, find that PURPOSE that made me happy and fulfilled me.


I opened up to them about my loneliness. I have always liked MY SPACE,...  I mean I had MY SPACE before there was ever a MY SPACE on the internet. I was basically an only child, living in a household of adults. I grew up that way, then I married a man who was gone a lot. Uncle Sam saw to that. When he retired he enjoyed his hunting, fishing and I enjoyed MY SPACE. It's just who I am. But, loneliness is something else altogether. My children have their own lives and I would never 'hang on to my kids'. My friends, well,  almost all of them have husbands. So, yes I am lonely and I think that is why I graviated toward helping out the widower. It gave me a purpose, it was what I was used to.


So, I came home from my visit in New York filled with ideas. I hope you gals can help keep me on track. Now let me fall into that slump again.


1. I am thinking of joining a gym.
     Reason: I am overweight, out of shape and need to be healthier. And, I would meet new people.


2. I need to finish a novel I started before Elbert got so bad I had to put it aside.
     Reason: I have always liked to write. I feel that my time to actually do a worthwhile book is now.


3. I need to take care of myself
      Reason: I've never had time to think about myself. I now have time to do anything I want to and I should pursue what makes me happy and keeps me active.


4. Take one day at a time
      Reason: I have spent the last year trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I may not have a tomorrow or next year. None of us have that guarantee. I need to enjoy each day and stop being so confused about all the crap. Excuse my language there. But, I have let crap just fill my brain and I am not stopping to enjoy moments, be happy in my own space.


So, I have work to do. Get healthier... finish my novel..... think about me for a change.... and stop trying to make it so dang hard. Life is a journey, I need to enjoy the trip.

Remember that old saying?  I heard it over and over as I grew up but you just don't hear it anymore. Different generation, different way of looking at things. But, I had a reason for posting that this morning.

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I will be making some trips soon. Gonna go up to New York and enjoy the grandsons (Tighe age 4, Owen age 18 and Griffin age 20) Well, Griffin's in college but maybe we can sneak in a little side trip to visit him. You'll keep your fingers crossed I don't get snowed in!

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I will then make a trip to visit my sister in Alabama. Haven't seen her in over a year. Thought I'd go down and aggreviate her awhile. She's the Older One and I'm the little sister!! We will have such fun.

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise my son plans on coming to see me. I saw him last August so we have some catching up to do.

Now, the Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I have a list of things I want to do in the months ahead. I know the Good Lord is in charge and He will keep that creek from rising.

New Territory

                                                
As all of you know, that have followed this blog, of my and Elbert's journey through Alzhiemers, that I have always been open and honest with you. I hope that some of what I have experienced has been helpful to you. Just jotting it down in black and white has helped me deal with all the trials and goodness knows you all have been so sweet, so caring.

So, I am going to talk about something that is definately 'New Territory' for me. Some of you have never considered this (and are not at that point in your life) and some of you may have thought about it, some may have already covered this new way of life for themselves. There is no road map to guide you.

I am talking about opening up yourself, your life to another person of the opposite sex. The years of caregiving are gone, the pain and suffering of losing someone you love so deeply is getting a tad easier (and I said, a tad).... and you start to think about being alone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! You miss the sound of a man's voice, a tender hug, a sweet kiss. You know you can never have those things again with your spouse, however, there comes a time when you begin to know that you are human, that you are lonely, that you need companionship.

I started having some wee thoughts creep in to this weary, vacant mind of mine. I know that 'I'll never marry again' and living with someone is not 'my thing' either. I didn't really like these thoughts but they came and went. And, then I got into this situation recently that I wanted to share with you.

A girlfriend of mine was concerned about a friend of hers who had lost his wife some months ago. He never talked about his pain, never dealt with his grief, but sat staring at the tv and he was very lonely. So, when she asked if I would be willing to go to lunch with him I said yes. I'd been in that same frame of mind, maybe I could help.

I met him in Nov. and by the middle of Dec. (when his wife had been gone about 6 months) I began picking up on subtle hints that he thought there was a future for us. Then he became less subtle!! I wasn't ready to have a romantic relationship and I sure didn't think he had moved past the 'denial' stage of his grieving. What to do...... it was a dilemma I was totally unfamiliar with and one I was so uncomfortable with. I knew that it was time for me to say goodbye to this gentleman. And, so I did.

It's difficult to know when the right time is (if ever) to move on with your life. Evidently the time is not right for me and it may never be. I was married to the best. And, I found it awfully hard not to compare!!
I would never advise anyone on what they should do with their life but I will say this. Be careful as you move past your deep grieving so that you may be fully in tune with what you need, what you want and what and who you are willing to let into your life. Go slow, be sure. It's difficult to be alone so I am not saying that you should never have companionship again. I know many 'second marriages' that have worked and turned out very happy. That course to take is for the individual to determine.

The nights are long, the way is rough and there is much soul searching that I have to do. However, there is a new day dawning and what it holds I know not but I vow that it will be exciting and it will be what I want, what I need and I will be okay. That's what Elbert would have wanted for me.

A Party of a Different Kind

As far as I can remember....... and at this age that 'remember' thing might be subject to scrutiny.... but I don't ever recall having a birthday party that included friends. It was always a gathering with family or a night out at a restaurant, but never a party that I shared with my friends.

Well, as far as I can remember, (he he) I can now say I have had my PARTY. And, what fun it was. Just trot on over to http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/ and read about it.

I'll give you a little 'peek' here.....