I am so sick of this roller coaster ride. Now, I've never been on a roller coaster in my life and I will tell you right now, I won't ever be. Not a real one in an amusement park. Just looking at them scares me to death. Nope, my feet are planted firmly on the ground.
I was talking about this up and down and twist and turn and just when you think you are making a slow climb to the top, you get there and you plumment right down to the bottom again at break-neck speed.
I have read up on grief. Least I thought I had read enough to sort of know how it would be. The only really close death I had experienced before was losing my Mom in 1996. And, I did go to counseling for a short period of time afterward. And, I got through it, I thought, pretty well.
But, there is nothing to compare with losing a spouse. Losing Mom was tough and I don't want to take anything away from how that hurt ..... but losing Elbert has just thrown me. My daughter tells me all the time how very strong I am and I thought I was. I've dealt with a tremendous amount of struggles over my life but some things just take your strength away and you have to lean on an arm stronger than any other. I am trying to call on that higher strength. I know He hears our prayers but sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to pray for ease from this roller coaster ride I am on. I have come to believe that if you don't go through ALL the phases they tell you that are in the grieving process then you can't heal. Hmmmmm.....
Anger is an issue with me right now. I have always been a very calm, almost passive person. Elbert and I never fought (in 60 years of marriage). Not that we didn't disagree on things but we were not fighting. Now, I seem to be filled with anger. I am angry about so many things. I am angry at Alzheimers and it picking Elbert to reside in. I am angry at Elbert because he left me and I have to admit that there are times I just wish I could go back 20 years and find him. I am angry over nothing and everything, then all of a sudden I 'fly off the handle' at someone and the anger is not at them but they are the recipient of some unnamed rage inside me. So, somebody, tell me if that is normal, whatever normal is these days!! Or something I should get counseling over or pray about or what the heck I am supposed to do.
They don't give you a road map on grief.
3 comments:
I want to thank you for your blog; it has been very helpful for someone like me starting out on this Alzheimer's journey.
Have you thought of volunteering in your community? You could be a tremendous benefit to others with your loving and nurturing nature.
There is probably a volunteer website for your county. You could be a companion to the elderly (older people who have no family to visit), deliver meals on wheels, etc.
Such an activity might help get your mind moving in a positive direction...just a thought...
Oh my...everything you say is perfectly normal. I lost my first husband many years ago at a fairly young age and honestly I don't think I went through any of the steps...I stayed in denial for a very long time. Everyone said in a nice way..."Time to move on"...well you know what? ..I wasn't ready to move on yet. So to go through the steps is a very good thing and I think you eventually come out in a better way...I believe that they had it right a long time ago...put a black wreath on the door and mourn...we don't allow ourselves to do that anymore....thinking of you and wishing you happy days ahead ...
Latane........ you've described your feelings so well and the comparison of a roller coaster ride.
I can't imagine the loneliness, anger and uncertainty about what to do next after losing a soul mate.
I think you're wise to go slow and go through each of the stages, whatever they may be, and however long and painful each stage may be....... but each stage is a part of the grieving process.
Take care of yourself and let your family enjoy their wonderful mother/grandmother.
You're such a loving and wise woman, but..... if you need to scream, shout, cry and be angry.... do it...(for a little while)..!!!!!!
Thank you so much for your love and support you always give to me!
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