I am so sick of this roller coaster ride. Now, I've never been on a roller coaster in my life and I will tell you right now, I won't ever be. Not a real one in an amusement park. Just looking at them scares me to death. Nope, my feet are planted firmly on the ground.
I was talking about this up and down and twist and turn and just when you think you are making a slow climb to the top, you get there and you plumment right down to the bottom again at break-neck speed.
I have read up on grief. Least I thought I had read enough to sort of know how it would be. The only really close death I had experienced before was losing my Mom in 1996. And, I did go to counseling for a short period of time afterward. And, I got through it, I thought, pretty well.
But, there is nothing to compare with losing a spouse. Losing Mom was tough and I don't want to take anything away from how that hurt ..... but losing Elbert has just thrown me. My daughter tells me all the time how very strong I am and I thought I was. I've dealt with a tremendous amount of struggles over my life but some things just take your strength away and you have to lean on an arm stronger than any other. I am trying to call on that higher strength. I know He hears our prayers but sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to pray for ease from this roller coaster ride I am on. I have come to believe that if you don't go through ALL the phases they tell you that are in the grieving process then you can't heal. Hmmmmm.....
Anger is an issue with me right now. I have always been a very calm, almost passive person. Elbert and I never fought (in 60 years of marriage). Not that we didn't disagree on things but we were not fighting. Now, I seem to be filled with anger. I am angry about so many things. I am angry at Alzheimers and it picking Elbert to reside in. I am angry at Elbert because he left me and I have to admit that there are times I just wish I could go back 20 years and find him. I am angry over nothing and everything, then all of a sudden I 'fly off the handle' at someone and the anger is not at them but they are the recipient of some unnamed rage inside me. So, somebody, tell me if that is normal, whatever normal is these days!! Or something I should get counseling over or pray about or what the heck I am supposed to do.
They don't give you a road map on grief.