Saturday, January 15, 2011


Today is Saturday Jan. 15th (I think). Elbert has been gone 12 days. It seems like months and months, even years, and in reality he has, not in body but in mind. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. I clean house then I sit then I load the dishwasher then I pace. My routine is scrambled like some egg in a frying pan. No more getting ready to go to the nursing home. An empty place in my heart.

Speaking of heart.... after Elbert's funeral I began to notice heart arrythmia, pretty strong. I've had palpatations before but nothing like this... I finally decided my heart was broken and no longer knew how to beat. I got a little concerned about it so I got on the internet and looked it up. One cause.... caffeine. Duh. During all the days of getting ready for the funeral, people bringing in food, family arriving etc. I just picked up whatever was available to eat or drink. And, I'd downed any soft drink sitting there. I cut out the caffeine and my heart is beating normal again. In grief we just don't care about anything. Maybe we all need someone to be our guardian during that time.

My family was and has always been amazing. They all were loving guardians (not over the food) for me. For a long time now they knew there was nothing they could do to improve their Dad's life so they turned their attention on me. Sometimes too much. (grin).

I was thinking yesterday that I have become too dependent on my children over the course of Elbert's illness. And, I just resolved to do something about it. I am going to be more independent, do anything I can do for myself and not even mention things that need my attention for they'd be here in a heart beat. No, it's time to take back my life. And, I am going to start by being healthier. I have gained too much weight during the years of sitting so I could be near Elbert. That has to be hard on that heart as well. My granddaughter came up to me during the visition at the funeral home and said, 'You know you are my only living grandparent now.'  There was this big pause and then she added sternly but with a smile 'No more Whoppers for you'.

I knew what she meant. I do love and I mean LOVE Whoppers. With extra onion, thank you. And, I don't pay attention to my carbs even though my blood sugar is a little high. A friend called yesterday. Her husband has type 2 diabetes and with her guidance over the food he ate he was able to stay off medicine. I told her I want to know what she does in her kitchen. I have a brand new kitchen and I don't cook. What is wrong with me, folks? ha  If any of you have low carb recipes I'd love for you to share them. I want to be healthy.


Patsy said...

Good for you ,life will settle down. When my son died it took me a year to get back from the pain but every day I sill think of him only not with pain.
love to you and family

NewKidontheBlogg said...

When I was a widow, my grief counselor said that when I was ready I would lose weight. He was right and when I was ready I did lose.

Being a widow does indeed continue the journey. Still let people do things for you because you need people. In a while you will become more independent.

A year after my late husband died, I gained strength by making a Creative Memory photo album for him, midst the tears. Tears were good and you can't just discount the impact of a husband.

Hugs and prayers,

Dolores said...

Time is so intriguing and deceiving.....

Last night when I was getting up with David for the umpteenth time to show him the commode, and then get him to aim in the commode and not the floor......I was thinking, I don't know how much more of this I can take.... Then I thought.... I can't imagine my life without him.
I can only imagine the empty spot in your heart and time....

I'm glad the lack of caffeine has helped with the arrhythmia!

I betcha your children don't think you've been too dependent. You're such a strong and loving woman, but I understand how you feel.

Prayers and love to you!

Peggy said...

Hi Latane,looking after yourself now has to be your priority.Finding nice recipes for yourself,shopping for the ingredients and trying them out would be a good way to regain some normality and also do your health a good turn. Blogging about the said recipes would be fun too so please no more Whoppers!