Today is Saturday Jan. 15th (I think). Elbert has been gone 12 days. It seems like months and months, even years, and in reality he has, not in body but in mind. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. I clean house then I sit then I load the dishwasher then I pace. My routine is scrambled like some egg in a frying pan. No more getting ready to go to the nursing home. An empty place in my heart.
Speaking of heart.... after Elbert's funeral I began to notice heart arrythmia, pretty strong. I've had palpatations before but nothing like this... I finally decided my heart was broken and no longer knew how to beat. I got a little concerned about it so I got on the internet and looked it up. One cause.... caffeine. Duh. During all the days of getting ready for the funeral, people bringing in food, family arriving etc. I just picked up whatever was available to eat or drink. And, I'd downed any soft drink sitting there. I cut out the caffeine and my heart is beating normal again. In grief we just don't care about anything. Maybe we all need someone to be our guardian during that time.
My family was and has always been amazing. They all were loving guardians (not over the food) for me. For a long time now they knew there was nothing they could do to improve their Dad's life so they turned their attention on me. Sometimes too much. (grin).
I was thinking yesterday that I have become too dependent on my children over the course of Elbert's illness. And, I just resolved to do something about it. I am going to be more independent, do anything I can do for myself and not even mention things that need my attention for they'd be here in a heart beat. No, it's time to take back my life. And, I am going to start by being healthier. I have gained too much weight during the years of sitting so I could be near Elbert. That has to be hard on that heart as well. My granddaughter came up to me during the visition at the funeral home and said, 'You know you are my only living grandparent now.' There was this big pause and then she added sternly but with a smile 'No more Whoppers for you'.
I knew what she meant. I do love and I mean LOVE Whoppers. With extra onion, thank you. And, I don't pay attention to my carbs even though my blood sugar is a little high. A friend called yesterday. Her husband has type 2 diabetes and with her guidance over the food he ate he was able to stay off medicine. I told her I want to know what she does in her kitchen. I have a brand new kitchen and I don't cook. What is wrong with me, folks? ha If any of you have low carb recipes I'd love for you to share them. I want to be healthy.