Monday, July 20, 2009

Dissolved to Tears

Oh, brave little me!! How sweet to find my husband holding hands with another woman. He was comforting her, I told myself. That really did not bother me during my visit on Saturday or later on that day.

But, come Sunday morning the picture in my mind changed, my forgiving and understanding heart put up a wall and the tears began to flow. It hurts. Yes, it does hurt to see your husband holding hands with someone else. Sandra Day O'Connor may say she's fine with her dementia laden husband finding a new girlfriend. But, I bet at night it gnaws at her insides and she feels lonely and abandoned. And, that is how I am feeling as I start a new week by myself.

Feeling by myself is a tough situation to be in. I've never been by myself in my life. As I grew up, Mom and I lived in the household with my grandparents and a maiden aunt. I was surrounded by love. Then I met Elbert and we married (it was just before my 17th birthday) and he moved me to California where he was stationed in the Navy. But, I now had the companionship and love of my sweet partner. Children followed in quick succession so my life was busy, filled with the ups and downs of raising a family.
Then came Elbert's retirement (and the adjustment of having him home 24/7) We did our own thing but also had some amazing trips and times with our family who was now scattered over the east coast. No, I wasn't alone ever. And, now, the house creaks and sighs with moans of loneliness. I fill my days with hobbies long neglected and wonder about Elbert as he makes new friends in a new place in his life that doesn't seem to include me.


Jenn Jilks said...

I knew it was bothering you. It would me, too. I am so glad you wrote about it and are dealing with it. Talk to your friends and be honest about your feelings.

The 5 stages of grief are not linear or sequential, nor mutually exclusive.

You need not be brave. Crying is healthy. Anger is normal. In such an abnormal situation you will have to readjust to your new 'normal'. There is no normal reaction to such a life situation.

Cry, rant, hit a pillow, go for a long walk. You are a beautiful person, Latane. Give yourself a hug from me. Do you want to have a Skype chat sometime?

Susannah said...

Oh, Latane....I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You have every right to feel anyway that you want to. After your last post, I thought that I would be bothered by my hubby finding a new friend like that. It is not at all unusual to feel as you are feeling. My life has been very similar to yours.....never alone and always loving people around me. God will not give us more than we can handle. Be at peace, least Elbert is not homesick and dying to get out of there.

Hang in have come this far like a trooper!


Dolores said...

Latane, I'm so sorry you are having to go down this dreaded Alzheimer's journey! This disease is such an awful thief; it steals so much from everyone involved.

You've been so strong, but like Jenn said ..... you need to cry, rant,hit a pillow etc, etc.....anyone who loves their husband, partner,friend..... would feel like you are feeling now. It must hurt so much.....

Thank you for the honesty in your post.....Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you......
I feel like I'm a few steps behind you in my Alzheimer's journey with David.
A big hug to you!

Linda J. said...

I agree with all the above comments. My mother went through several "relationships" and some violent battles with other residents during her 5 years in the facility. Of course you are hurting, but try to remember the man in Elbert's body is not the same man who was your loving husband and partner. And, remember, he is in a facility where he is getting the care he needs, including the physical lifting necessary for someone in his condition.

I am very thankful he is adjusting to the move. He could be kicking, screaming, and trying to escape.

My thoughts are with you as you adjust to this major change in your life.

Peggy said...

Hi Latane, You are hurting a lot but if Elbert were OK he would not be in there, so 'normal' has gotten new bounderies.
You have rolled with the punches up to now and I know you will continue to do so.
I read all of the other comments and I know your total honesty in writing about your feelings is such a help to other people going through the same thing.

The Tile Lady said...

I came here on Monday and was told about how Mom was feeling about all this. Seeing her cry was hard. But, I knew she would have these times, and frankly, I think she did a fantastic job being so positive as long as she did! She is doing better, now. But, I know there will be ups and downs for her, and seeing Dad with this lady I'm sure was very difficult. You can tell yourself that it means NOTHING, but that can't change your feelings deep inside. I told her that God's good would be here for them both, and I know it will. And, to brighter days ahead--that is my prayer.

All these sweet blogger friends have been so great to be supportive! I just want to thank you all! The comments mean a lot to Mom and they really help.