Wednesday, May 27, 2009

May 27, 2009

I finally caught up with the current journaling so todays post is about what happened today, May 27th.

Life's been a trip lately, a trip over very rocky roads. I've had to deal with a ton of guilt for a long time but one night about 6 weeks ago I stayed awake all night and God spoke to me, 'it's time to quit feeling guilty. You can turn loose of your care'. Since that time we have been investigating memory units (Alzheimers wings) in various asst. living and nursing homes in the area. A distressingly big job.

The more we looked, the more people we talked to, the more I became confused. I had a terrible weight on my shoulders and could not separate one fact from another. Was it time to go with medicaid, could I do private pay, which was best for Elbert, which was best for me, if I went private pay right now how would that affect the plans we had put in place for the medicaid later on and it went on and on. I became so confused that I started doing stupid things, like not paying my electric bill on time, like losing a newly refilled bottle of my anti-depresant. And, heaven only knows where my Medicare card is.. I was just becoming unglued at the seams.

Michael and Shirley (the only two children here right now) took over the major part of the decision making. I accused them of cutting me out of the loop but they explained that I didn't need all the confusion, they were just weeding out all the chaff and presenting me with the facts that we needed to deal with. God Bless them. What would I do with those precious, wonderful and caring children.

Today we went to Lake Prince facility and checked it out. Had already been to Magnolia Manor and Consulate. After that visit the three of us went to Applebees and sat down with fact spreadsheets that Shirley had done comparing all three and we decided to do Magnolia Manor. It was the cheapest for private pay and was the nicest.

A decision had been made. I felt that weight being lifted off my shoulders. Elbert will be in a good place and be well taken care of and the family and I can go visit and enjoy ourselves and not worry about all the problems his care is entailing. It was hard to come to this point and I know the day we take him there it will break my heart. That day is still ahead of us. But, I know it's the best for all of us. He's not going to get any better and nothing I can do will change that. It's time to let others take over. Please pray for us as we go through this transition period. A room will be available (if all goes well) within the next two weeks.


Linda J. said...

I understand your guilt and your burden of trying to the best of your ability to make the right decision. I will pray for you. I hope you can get some rest and take care of yourself. My mom was at The Terrace, just a few minutes from my house. My aunt is there now. It was named the #1 nursing facility in KY in 2007. It is beautiful, but not perfect. In my opinion, there is not a "perfect" nursing home. But, I realized they could provide 24-hour care and attention for my mother and my aunts that I could not. I could talk all day on private pay/medicaid.... My thoughts are with you. Hugs!!

Jenn Jilks said...

Good for you, Latane! I was at a palliative care conference today. We learned a lot about palliative care with various medical disorders: Parkinson's, ALS, and dementia. I will create a post and send you to it.

Remember that you can't do it alone. Many cannot. You will feel so much better soon.

Talk to you soon!

Dolores said...

My prayers, heart and thoughts go out to you and your family as you go through this next step ......

May I pass on this thought that a friend said to me.... "If HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it."

Take care!

Kim said...

I feel that you are successfully taking care of Elbert's needs in finding a home where he can hopefully be comfortable and safe. I would think that sleep deprivation is taking a very large toll on your ability to keep things straight and you know that electric company is sure to remind you that your bill needs paying, lol, you won't be allowed to forget that one. Seriously, you have a lot on your mind and things tend to be misplaced when you are this distracted. Hang on, you are making progress. I am so glad that you have the kids there to walk you through this. No easy feat to get through all the paper work and budgeting the expenses, but you can do it.

Kim said...

PS: I like what Dolores said...

serendopeity said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you Latane but I don't. We both know that your decision is one borne out of love. I realize that doesn't make you feel any better but please take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I read your blog and see the number of people who genuinely care about you and your well being as well as Elbert's, myself included.
You are very lucky that your children have taken it upon themselves to help you as well as their dad. I know first hand that trying to decide what is best when you are lacking sleep, not eating properly and spending the better part of your waking hours caring for someone, does not make it easy.
In the grand scheme of things I truly think that we are very lucky to have had the opportunity to ensure that our loved ones have the best possible care.
Life is truly unfair but we plug through and hope that whatever we have done is in the best interests of everyone concerned.
I think you have done an amazing job of taking care of Elbert this far. You are my inspiration my friend and I can only hope that I can continue to look after mom and dad for as long as you have taken care of E.
Hugs to you Latane...

Susannah said...

God be with you, Lantane. He will guide you. My prayers are with you each and every night.