Friday, January 9, 2009

Panic Attack then Depression

It's late Sept (2005) and I had a very sleepless night. All during the night Elbert complained of a pain in his left side. He seemed sort of burpy so I gave him two Tums hoping that it would relieve him. I slept very light, hearing him get out of bed, move around from room to room, going to the bathroom and back. I am getting very alert to sounds in the house now, especially at night, listening for signs of confusion and distress.

I sense him standing at the foot of my bed.

'I'm having trouble breathing,' he said. 'Would you come and sit with me?'

So, I crawl out of my bed and go crawl into his. His breathing was fine. I thought to myself that maybe he was just nervous about his tummy not feeling right. I thought about taking him to the ER but there seemed to be no other symptoms other than that aggreviating ole tummy. At seven in the morning I snuck out from under the covers and crawled back in my bed. He sleeps in the middle of the bed and he snores and he has a jumping that scares me when he is trying to go to sleep. My leg is just not well and there was no room for me to rest. Once back in my own bed I fell asleep and got two hours.

Elbert slept until eleven and when he awoke he had no remembrance of having a stomach ache or staying awake nearly all night. He was fine. Now, tell me what caused that. I do believe it was the first of several panic attacks. But, it would be several months before that happened again.

Christmas came before I hardly had time to think about it. Time is really slipping away and I seem to get less and less done. It's hard, too, to be in an upbeat mood when you worry about everything that is going wrong, the sleeplessness, the panic attacks, some facial cancer surgery and so on. The family all seems to be busy with their own preparations for the holidays. Elbert and I are sitting alone in a big ole house.

Christmas Eve is a sad and lonely day for me. I am in a funk and just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I call our son who lived in another state. He and his wife don't answer. Then I remembered that they were on the road to go visit her brother. I called my sister. She was out picking up her already baked turkey. I turned on some Christmas music but that just makes me more sad. Nothing I do seems to help. I decide to bake a Tennessee Jam cake. I've had the recipe for years, never have made it and this appeared to be a perfect time to lose myself in something I have to concentrate on. But the thing was no good when I got it finished. So, I threw the recipe and the cake in the trash.

The hours crept on and late afternoon came. I called daughter Shirley to ask her about our schedule for the following day which would be Christmas and I could not control the tears. I was so sad and miserable.

'You get yourselves over here' she said.So, Elbert and I put on our coats and walked across the yard to her house. I helped some with food preparations, some Christmas music was playing, her children were coming and going but there was just something wrong. So, Elbert and I trapsied back across the dewy grass and went to bed. It was 8:30. I wish Christmas was over and done with!!

1 comment:

Peggy said...

Such a sad post Latane