The Journey Through Alzheimers and Beyond

New Perspective

2012-01-30T06:56:00.000-08:00

A trip to my daughters in New York always fills me with new thoughts, new plans... I promise myself 'I'm gonna do this or do that when I get home' and then I return to the daily grind and I forget about the promise. But, I am sure going to try to change all of that.

What I wanted to talk with you about today refers to a long talk me and Susan and Shirley had on Sunday morning. I talk with my children about my grief. They grieve, too, and it helps to just put it out there and share. Although I am always open with them, I found, on Sunday morning, that I wasn't being OPEN with myself.

I have spent this past year, after losing Elbert, trying to 'find myself'.

Who was I without him?
Who was I going to be in the years to come?

Shirley reminded me that I know who I am, it's finding out what PURPOSE I now have that is my biggest trial. My purpose since I was nearly 17 was to be a good, loving wife to Elbert,

to be a good, loving mother, (pictured here with my son at his wedding)

then I strived to be a good, loving caretaker to my Mother

and then to Elbert.

I had 'purpose'. It drove me, it defined me.

2011 was a year filled with indecisiveness, confusion, it was a 'lost in a fog' year. And, it spilled over into the new year. I have been struggling so much. One day I think I have it figured out and the next I am right back not knowing what to do.

I just wonder how many other widows go through this phase. Am I the only one? How do I get out of it?

As I said, the talk with my daughters (as we stood in Susan's kitchen) found me opening up about so much. I knew that as I began to crawl out of the initial shock of losing Elbert, I began doing 'Normal' things. Hey, I must be getting SO much better. I'd tell myself, Tomorrow, I will be over all this. Talk about denial!! Oh, that's another step of grieving... denial is. So, I denied to myself and everyone around me that I was moving right along, I was getting over this depression, this grief. Oh yes, I still cried, I still ached... but, hey, I'm a big girl. I handled yesterday so I will be even better today.... Denial!!

I made plans, I moved on with my life, I told myself those things. I made trips, I cleaned house, I enjoyed my family, I saw my friends. And, I tried to help a widower who is in worst denial than I am and you know the story about that. I going to be the caregiver again. THAT WAS IT.... I was so used to being a caregiver I just didn't know how not to be. When would I turn loose of that?

When would I start thinking about what it was I wanted out of life?

The girls told me I needed to 'step out of my box', meet new people, do new things, find that PURPOSE that made me happy and fulfilled me.

I opened up to them about my loneliness. I have always liked MY SPACE,... I mean I had MY SPACE before there was ever a MY SPACE on the internet. I was basically an only child, living in a household of adults. I grew up that way, then I married a man who was gone a lot. Uncle Sam saw to that. When he retired he enjoyed his hunting, fishing and I enjoyed MY SPACE. It's just who I am. But, loneliness is something else altogether. My children have their own lives and I would never 'hang on to my kids'. My friends, well, almost all of them have husbands. So, yes I am lonely and I think that is why I graviated toward helping out the widower. It gave me a purpose, it was what I was used to.

So, I came home from my visit in New York filled with ideas. I hope you gals can help keep me on track. Now let me fall into that slump again.

1. I am thinking of joining a gym.
     Reason: I am overweight, out of shape and need to be healthier. And, I would meet new people.

2. I need to finish a novel I started before Elbert got so bad I had to put it aside.
     Reason: I have always liked to write. I feel that my time to actually do a worthwhile book is now.

3. I need to take care of myself
      Reason: I've never had time to think about myself. I now have time to do anything I want to and I should pursue what makes me happy and keeps me active.

4. Take one day at a time
      Reason: I have spent the last year trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I may not have a tomorrow or next year. None of us have that guarantee. I need to enjoy each day and stop being so confused about all the crap. Excuse my language there. But, I have let crap just fill my brain and I am not stopping to enjoy moments, be happy in my own space.

So, I have work to do. Get healthier... finish my novel..... think about me for a change.... and stop trying to make it so dang hard. Life is a journey, I need to enjoy the trip.

2012-01-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

Remember that old saying? I heard it over and over as I grew up but you just don't hear it anymore. Different generation, different way of looking at things. But, I had a reason for posting that this morning.

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I will be making some trips soon. Gonna go up to New York and enjoy the grandsons (Tighe age 4, Owen age 18 and Griffin age 20) Well, Griffin's in college but maybe we can sneak in a little side trip to visit him. You'll keep your fingers crossed I don't get snowed in!

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I will then make a trip to visit my sister in Alabama. Haven't seen her in over a year. Thought I'd go down and aggreviate her awhile. She's the Older One and I'm the little sister!! We will have such fun.

The Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise my son plans on coming to see me. I saw him last August so we have some catching up to do.

Now, the Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise I have a list of things I want to do in the months ahead. I know the Good Lord is in charge and He will keep that creek from rising.

New Territory

2012-01-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

As all of you know, that have followed this blog, of my and Elbert's journey through Alzhiemers, that I have always been open and honest with you. I hope that some of what I have experienced has been helpful to you. Just jotting it down in black and white has helped me deal with all the trials and goodness knows you all have been so sweet, so caring.

So, I am going to talk about something that is definately 'New Territory' for me. Some of you have never considered this (and are not at that point in your life) and some of you may have thought about it, some may have already covered this new way of life for themselves. There is no road map to guide you.

I am talking about opening up yourself, your life to another person of the opposite sex. The years of caregiving are gone, the pain and suffering of losing someone you love so deeply is getting a tad easier (and I said, a tad).... and you start to think about being alone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! You miss the sound of a man's voice, a tender hug, a sweet kiss. You know you can never have those things again with your spouse, however, there comes a time when you begin to know that you are human, that you are lonely, that you need companionship.

I started having some wee thoughts creep in to this weary, vacant mind of mine. I know that 'I'll never marry again' and living with someone is not 'my thing' either. I didn't really like these thoughts but they came and went. And, then I got into this situation recently that I wanted to share with you.

A girlfriend of mine was concerned about a friend of hers who had lost his wife some months ago. He never talked about his pain, never dealt with his grief, but sat staring at the tv and he was very lonely. So, when she asked if I would be willing to go to lunch with him I said yes. I'd been in that same frame of mind, maybe I could help.

I met him in Nov. and by the middle of Dec. (when his wife had been gone about 6 months) I began picking up on subtle hints that he thought there was a future for us. Then he became less subtle!! I wasn't ready to have a romantic relationship and I sure didn't think he had moved past the 'denial' stage of his grieving. What to do...... it was a dilemma I was totally unfamiliar with and one I was so uncomfortable with. I knew that it was time for me to say goodbye to this gentleman. And, so I did.

It's difficult to know when the right time is (if ever) to move on with your life. Evidently the time is not right for me and it may never be. I was married to the best. And, I found it awfully hard not to compare!!
I would never advise anyone on what they should do with their life but I will say this. Be careful as you move past your deep grieving so that you may be fully in tune with what you need, what you want and what and who you are willing to let into your life. Go slow, be sure. It's difficult to be alone so I am not saying that you should never have companionship again. I know many 'second marriages' that have worked and turned out very happy. That course to take is for the individual to determine.

The nights are long, the way is rough and there is much soul searching that I have to do. However, there is a new day dawning and what it holds I know not but I vow that it will be exciting and it will be what I want, what I need and I will be okay. That's what Elbert would have wanted for me.

A Party of a Different Kind

2012-01-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

As far as I can remember....... and at this age that 'remember' thing might be subject to scrutiny.... but I don't ever recall having a birthday party that included friends. It was always a gathering with family or a night out at a restaurant, but never a party that I shared with my friends.

Well, as far as I can remember, (he he) I can now say I have had my PARTY. And, what fun it was. Just trot on over to http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/ and read about it.

I'll give you a little 'peek' here.....

One Step At A Time

2012-01-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

One year ago. A mountain of fog and tears, my heart ripping out, my life turned upside down. 2011 started off in the worst way and it was a roller coaster ride (and still is, I might add).

It was on January 3, 2011 that Elbert passed away. I wasn't sure how I'd handle the anniversary which happened to be yesterday. Dau. Shirley and I went to Hardees for the biscuit and sweet tea just like we did when Elbert was with us. We talked, we cried and then we came home.

Later on I went upstairs to clean out a closet. January is my month to deep clean all the closets. I pulled out clothes that needed to be gotten rid of, some winter clothes I had forgotten I had and was thrilled to see, a pair of boots I might need when it snows.

Then I move over to a closet that is filled with shelves. So much stored in there. Old pictures, scrapbooks from old ago, mementoes, books. When Dau Susan found out what I was doing she was concerned.
'Mom, you think that is a good thing to be doing today?'

Now, I'm not recommending this for grieving spouses, especially on the anniversary of their loved one's passing. Everyone is different and must handle things in their own good time. But, for me, it was comforting, looking at books he had read, pictures of his Navy career, finding postcards he had sent me when we were dating, letters he had written. For a moment I set aside the pain of his years of Alzheimers and was lost in the joy of our life together, when things were wonderful and exciting and we had so much to look forward to.

(Elbert & I on a ski lift in Vermont)

Life has it's cycles. I am now in one that I can put no name to. The roller coaster ride, like I said. Some days I am alright, doing the business of living and getting ahead. Some days I cry a lot, some days a tear wouldn't come even if I tried, Some days I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff, hanging on for dear life. Some days I slip off that edge and plunge down to the ravine below.

The ravine thing is happening less and less. I have so many to thank for making my days easier to handle... my children, God bless their sweet hearts. My grandchildren who have been so caring and loving. The hugs and love from those precious little great grands. My Sister who lost her husband just 6 weeks before I lost Elbert. And, all you great bloggers. Oh my, how you have sustained me, held me up and stood in there with me. Thank you.

A New Year

2012-01-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

2012

It's a new year, a new day, a new life, a new..... hmmmm, let's see, what else is new.

Two 1/2 weeks ago Elbert and I would have celebrated our 61st anniversary.

One week ago I got through the first Christmas without him.

Today I prayed for guidance, 'Please, Lord, just show me the path I must follow'. And, He answers prayers... already... That's fast, Lord? Was I that desperate that You put me on Speed Answer!!

I'll sit down sometime this afternoon and start a new 'yearly' journal. My life is pretty well documented on those pages in cheap black and white composition books. You'd think I'd write my 'doings' in a fancy journal but my life is what it is, fancy paper or no.

Tomorrow I will start a new schedule, a new outlook, a new way of thinking and try to keep myself busy for the next few days. You see, it will be a year ago on Jan. 3rd that I lost my sweetheart. Lord, just get me through this week and then I think I can make it through the rest of my life.

On Friday the 6th I will celebrate my 78th birthday. Life goes on. I am ready, Lord. Just keep showing me the way.

I Did It.

2011-12-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

December 26th. One day after Christmas. I got through the holidays, folks. Lots of tears, memories of better days, and fun with the here and now. I mean you can not be too sad when you have a 16 month old and a 11 month old running around being too cute and having fun. Just look at what I mean!!

Christmas Eve:

Waiting for their presents

The 11 month old eating sausage balls. I hope he was not sick all night.

The boys in their Santa outfits. Here is the diaper they had on..........

Christmas Morning:
Kenny and Bethany had Vann's Christmas at home. However Dylan was at Nana and Papa John's house with his parents, Gigi and Uncle Christoper.

I didn't do it.... really I didn't!!

Dylan with his buddy, Uncle Christopher.

Dylan with his Nana.

Busy morning..........nap time.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Now, on to the New Year!!

Count Down to Christmas

2011-12-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas time always panics me when I start thinking about it (oh, about Nov. 1st). How will I ever get everything done? And, I stay in a panic for weeks and then all of a sudden, every gift is wrapped, cookies are made, the house is decorated. I just sort of sheepishly grin. I'd done it again. Panic, panic, panic. Looks like I'd learn. Well, maybe some day.

I got out today to buy the last two of the gifts I needed. I hadn't been gone from home more than ten minutes and the rain started and hours later, it's still coming down. Now that I am back at home I like to listen to the sound of the rain hitting the roof.

There are three more days til the big day. I need to check my list.

All gifts bought   YES
All gifts wrapped NO
Cookies made     NO
House clean        NO
Music playing     YES
Lights twinkling   YES
My anticipation growing    YES

So, it looks like I am running even. Half done, half not. Guess I need to get busy and wrap some gifts, clean the house, make some cookies....

Hmmm. I think I will just listen to the music playing, watch the twinkling lights and listen to the rain. Tomorrow is another day, (oh, that was Scarlet that said that, sorry)

I'll Have A Blue Christmas

2011-12-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

I can hear that baritone voice of Elbert's singing 'I'll have a blue, blue Chistmas without you'. His voice was not extra-ordinary in any way and some songs he just couldn't carry a tune to but this was one song that he sang that I thought sounded as good as any recording I ever heard. That, and 'I'll be home for Christmas, just you wait and see'....

If those songs come on the radio or my cd player I quickly switch to something else. It just breaks my heart to hear them. No, he will not be home for Christmas this year and yes, I will have a blue, blue Christmas.

There will be plenty of mistletoe and laughter and food and family but the one person that held it all together is missing. Christmas will never be the same again. However, the family is here, the little ones with their eyes all aglow, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight. There will be tons of food, which I don't need, but I will eat anyway. Hey, I have an excuse, Christmas comes but once a year. Dieting can start the day after!! There will be gifts to open and oooh and aaaah over.

This first Christmas without Elbert will be filled with so much sadness. Memories of the past, happy ones, but it is time to make new memories with the newest generation that he and I were responsible for starting.

Emotions... they run high

2011-12-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the Wreaths Across America where live wreaths are laid on every veterans grave in the United States. I awoke early and headed to the cemetery. As I drove along in the cold, crisp air my mind wandered back to a similiar morning so many years ago on Dec. 10, 1950. It was on a day just like today that Elbert and I were married..... 61 years ago.

At the cemetery, I waited while the large truck arrived with the wreaths and then I got into line, along with tons of other people, to help place the greenery.

Once I had the wreath in hand, I walked to where Elbert lay and leaned the circle of green against his tomb. It didn't look right to me and, as I straightened it, tears sprang to my eyes. So many memories, so much pride, such longing for days of yore when we were young and happy.

The ceremony followed at noon. We had a long moment of silence to honor those who had deceased. I could visualize the thousands, tens of thousands of loved ones, workers, volunteers who at this very moment sat with their heads bowed across the spanse of land from Maine to California and beyond. My heart filled with gratitude that what small part Elbert had played in keeping this country safe was being recognized and appreciated.

There was the placing of colors, the pledge to the flag, and I looked over and saw an old gentleman standing with his gnarled hand resting above his right eye in salute. I remembered the numerous times I had seen Elbert give a salute to his fellow officers, everytime he boarded the ship, when he was saluted himself. And, I remembered the last time I had seen Elbert give a salute. Our grandson was visiting and he begged his aging grandfather to don his Lt. uniform. Elbert was already deep into Alzheimers so we just slipped the jacket on and placed his hat on his head. Elbert slowly stood up and gave his grandson a salute.

For the final part of the ceremony, a bagpiper led the crowd to where the very first 25 veterans were interred in this particular cemetery.

I stood watching as each member of some branch of service honored the person they had just placed a wreath for.

And, then the bugler began Taps...

and my mind flashed back to January 5th of this year when another bugler played Taps for Elbert's funeral.

The music for Taps is so solemn, so sad. I wonder what was going through the young mans mind when he wrote those notes first on paper. I listened to every note ringing out over the white stone tombs and I felt at peace knowing that Elbert was resting and at peace in a place where his service was truly appreciated.

As the last notes of 'Amazing Grace' vanished out of the bagpipes Shirley, John and I walked back to Elbert's grave.

We visited at the site for a few minutes and then we walked away, daughter and wife of the veteran we loved, arm in arm.

please go to my other blog http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/ to see other pictures

Christmas preparations

2011-12-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas... but for some reason I always get depressed during the holidays. At least I did in the last few years. I know having a sick husband did not help. I just had so many trials in my life that singing 'Jingle Bells' didn't lift my spirits one iota. Decorating the house seemed to have less and less energy and thought given to the task. There were just too many other things to have to care about and I got to where I did not care... period.... about all the hoopla over Christmas.

My life is different now, an empty hole in my heart for sure, but I have resolved to have a fresh start, to recapture some of the excitement that I have enjoyed in years past. So far I am managing very well. I started dragging out boxes and boxes of decorations and found myself feeling the excitement and the contentment putting each little piece in place. Music going in the background.... My Dickens village taking center stage in the dining room...

I downsized my artifical tree to one I could carry from storage to house and then place on a table in the sunroom...

I found a pin on Pinterest that I liked. Here's what gave me that inspiration..

I have a tiered silver dish ... I can do that!! Hey, why doesn't mine look like that one above???

Something new so that I am not reminded of the 60 Christmases Elbert and I shared. Keep my mind focused on the here and now... don't think back and you will make it through the holidays, I tell myself.

I take every moment and try to enjoy it. I start my morning with a prayer... Thank you, Lord, for having him 60 years, thank you for a beautiful day and thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve to be loved. Help me live this day as You would have me. Amen

And, I'm doing alright..... so far...... stay tuned for further developments!!

Things to be Thankful for

2011-11-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

I wondered how I would do on Thanksgiving without Elbert. I did very well, missed him, of course, but I did better than I thought I would.

Grandson Ken and his wife Bethany hosted the Thanksgiving get-together this year and I believe that made all the difference in the world. Some new people, some new additions to the menu, the event held in a new location surrounded by family and little ones. Someone besides Elbert carved the turkey and grace was done by Bethany's Dad. Just a sign that things move on, people move on and it's alright. As night approached and we headed home, I felt very blessed indeed ..........

Once home I curled up in my bed and turned on the LSU-Arkansas game. I sure wanted LSU to lose ... darn it. You see, my team (Alabama) is #2 while LSU is #1. I just wanted LSU to get knocked down a number or two. But, it didn't happen.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T06:12:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will gather with some of the family to eat too much, play with the little ones, chat with the adults and wish I had my sweetie with me. I can see him now, standing at the head of the table carving the turkey, then he'd say grace and we'd eat until we couldn't move. That man did love to eat.

Some of the things for which I am thankful for this year

60 years of marriage to a wonderful man

A loving family

God's loving care always

Good health

Friends

Shelter, food and all I need to live each day

Sweet memories

So many blessings that appeared through the fog of grief and sadness.

I hope that each of you have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

Wintertime and being alone

2011-11-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

I dread Wintertime. I dread Thanksgiving. I dread Christmas. I just dread being alone when it's cold and miserable outside and people don't come by and I can't get out. Bad time to be alone, that's for sure.

So, much of the time, when Elbert was with me, we'd sit in the sunroom and watch the birds. Yes, I have the feeders out already but it won't be the same... noone to say, 'hey, look at that little bird. He's really hungry this morning' .

We'd sit and watch the snow falling. We didn't have much snow in Alabama so we enjoyed the snowfalls in Virginia. It always seemed so magical, coming down in big flakes. I suppose the magic will be gone out of it this year.

In early December Elbert and I would bundle up and walk up the street to see our son-in-law's latest creation of Christmas lights on their house. This year I will make excuses... it's too cold, I am busy, can't go right now.

We always would get a call on Christmas morning ... 'come over, the kids are up and ready for Santa' and Elbert and I (already up and waiting) would walk over and we'd sit around the tree and open presents. Then, it got too much for Elbert, tire him out and he really didn't know what the hullabaloo was all about. He didn't even know that the presents were for him and that he was supposed to open them.

Yes, I dread all these first events... I have to focus on the here and now.

I can enjoy the birds and I might even start making note of all the different kinds I see

If we get snowfall I hope it is enough so that I can make 'snow cream'. I'd like that.

I might put my coat on and wander down the street. I will need to take a picture of all the lights. How else will I share them with all my wonderful blogging friends?

Christmas morning I will be waiting for that phone call. And, I will walk over and find my place beside the tree. I'll play with baby Dylan (he'll be 11 months by then) and I'll try to keep him from snatching ornaments off the tree.

I'll miss my guy that was always beside me, laughing and enjoying the family and all his presents.

Yep, I will make it, day by day, with a lot of help from God, family and friends. And, there will be memories made for me to cherish in years to come. In years to come, it will be easier, I think. Just not this year.

Veterans Day

2011-11-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share with you a bit of our Veterans Day. Shirley and I went on Saturday and found the graves with flags waving in the breeze. It was such an awesome sight and such a peaceful scene. Here are a few pictures of our visit with Elbert and all the others buried at A.G. Horton Veterans Cemetery.

Daughter Shirley drew a heart in the sand with WB on it.

Hmmmm.... Puzzling Question

2011-11-02T05:34:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with girlfriends the other day when one (a widow of about 2 years) started talking about certain widows in our town who have taken off their wedding rings. It seemed to disturb her a lot and she explained that she considered herself and her husband still married and always would.

She just kept talking about it and then asked to see my left hand!! I pulled it up from my lap (we were eating lunch, you know, and being the etiquette queen that I am.. hehe.., I did have my hand in my lap). She glanced at it and saw that there was a ring there and said, 'Oh, you still have yours on'.

I so could have said 'yes' since she didn't notice and assumed it was my wedding ring. (It was costume jewelry) It could have slipped by so easily but I HAD to explain. What is it with Southern Gals who think they have to explain every little detail about every little thing? So, I am telling her that I have arthritus in my knuckles and can't wear my wedding rings anymore. Did she not notice this before Elbert passed away or is it more relavant now than it was then?

So, you know me, I got that on my mind and I just wondered what the protocol is on wearing rings. If they still fit, I mean. Elbert is still, and will always be, the other half of me. However, our physical partnership is gone. Does that mean we are still married? The vows say 'until death do us part'. In a huge sense I feel married and yet in another I don't. Is that strange? or a bad thing? The partner that I made a lifelong contract with on our wedding day is not here to hold me, help me make decisions, share in my joys and pain. I feel disconnected from that partnership because of that.

This is a new struggle I am having in this 'grieving process'. If I am to move on, I need to know in my heart what I am to carry with me to this new place in my life. Oh geez, life sure is tough. I guess I will take each day as it comes and one of these days it will become clear to me. If not, I'll be okay.

Missing my Fun Partner

2011-10-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

Halloween

I'm missing my trick or treat partner who was always fun to be with..............

He loved handing out candy to all the little ones in their costumes.

Train Wreck or Not?

2011-10-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

I ran across this quote from Corrie Ten Boom and knew that I wanted to share it with all of you. It says,

'When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.'

Wow, that's pretty powerful. Regardless of what we face in life, regardless of what age we are, regardless, regardless we don't jump off the train!! Nothing is more true than when we are caring for a loved one with Alzheimers. That train runs along the track going places on pretty days with the sun shining brightly and the beautiful landscape developing before our eyes. and Boom... oh, gee, no pun intended there... the track runs through a mountain and it gets dark enough in there you can't see your hand in front of your face.

You can't jump off. Your loved one needs you and you don't abandon love. So, you sit tight and trust in the engineer of our lives (God) and before you know it, the train pops out the hole at the end of the tunnel and the sun is shining once more. You just gotta learn to not be afraid of the dark!!

Suggestions about wandering

2011-10-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

As I read my dear friend Dolores' blog at http://movingforwardwithalzheimers.blogspot.com/ this morning I knew that I had already walked that path and perhaps some suggestions I found helpful might be of benefit to her and to the rest of you.

David has begun to wander. Oh, I remember those days. Scary, yes. You just never know when they will become confused about their space or not know where you are... or where 'home' is, and head out the door. Elbert was forever trying to go 'home' so I tried the chain on the door.

Didn't work. He wasn't dumb... he just slid that chain until it became disconnected and out he went. Well, so much for that.

I found great peace of mind in a very simple solution. My son in law screwed in very small door alarms on all my doors and I knew everytime Elbert opened an outside door. These alarms can be found at Lowe's or Home Depot (maybe even Walmart, I haven't looked there). They come in two small pieces, one to attach to the edge of your door, the other goes on the door frame and when the door is opened the alarm goes off.

A small thingamajig (*I don't know what it's called) the alarm part I guess.... the receiver... anyway it plugs into the wall. It's small so it's no distraction. And, you can just unplug it when you don't want the alarms to be activated.

Hope this helps.

Peace of mind is a wonderful thing.

This caught my eye and my heart

2011-10-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have gotten caught up in the interesting world of Pinterest. And, this pin really made me stop and think. It came from sunnysblog.typepad.com. Thank her for putting these thoughts in my head this morning.

'A true love story never ends'.......... and that says it all. If two people truly love each other, through all the trials that life has to offer, and love each other even after death... then that love story never ends.

I still feel the love so deeply that Elbert and I shared, through being young and so unprepared for life, through raising a family with all it's struggles and joys, through growing older, through Alzheimers and then through death. We were joined as one on Dec. 10, 1950 and all these years later we still are one.

Cherish each day you have with your loved one, keep that flame of love burning brightly. Then someday you may have that love to carry you through days that you will be alone.

Renewal

2011-10-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more important to us grown-ups than to see the world through the eyes of a child. We get so caught up in our struggle to survive this life that we forget to enjoy those tiny little moments that are special and are filled with joy.

I spent yesterday in Charlottesville, Va. two and a half hours away from home in an apple orchard atop Carter's Mountain with my 8 month old great-grandson (and his Nana, Papa John and Mom). His little eyes took in everything, things we adults would have not paid any attention to... the tractor going by pulling a trailer full of apples, the feel of a pumpkin stem

the red apples hidden amongst the leaves, people going by, a mill wheel turning

The sound of metal strips when you run your fingers through them.

Just so curious about this world we live in.

And, that was renewal for me... to put grief in the back recesses of my mind and to watch this adorable child learn and grow.

It was a good day!!

To read about the entire trip go to http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/

Waiting on myself

2011-10-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

I used to have a difficult time being on the puny list when I was taking care of Elbert. Not too long after he was diagnosed with Alzheimers, I found out I had colon cancer. He could still be left alone at that time and I had lots of people in and out seeing about the both of us so that worked out pretty well. That was 10 years ago.

Elbert helping me up the front steps after my cancer surgery

Then, a couple of years later I had one total knee replacement. He was some worse by that time and although the doctor suggested I go to a rehab place to get my therapy out of the way, I knew I had better go home as soon as I was released from the hospital. I could tell my absence disturbed him. Even when I got home he couldn't figure it all out. But, he was able to help me with my exercises.

I'm listening to music in my own bed after knee surgery. And, get a sweet kiss.

One year later I had the second knee done. A little tougher for the both of us. I needed him to be helpful and he could not comprehend what I was saying. So, we struggled through that. Again the family helped tremendously.

The therapist has me walking down the sidewalk in front of my house.

I am so thankful that those serious surgeries are behind me. And, I think I am pretty healthy for an ~~ancient~~ old woman. However, just recently I have been having some Fall allergy issues (infected sinuses, sore throat etc) and I was thinking that I am dealing with getting better pretty well. No extra stress that caregiving always put on me... I just lay in bed and didn't care if I got up or not. I watched way too much football on Saturday, all stretched out on the couch. But, that was okay. I rested, took my medicine and this morning I felt well enough to join Shirley at Hardees for our Monday biscuit. I bet by tomorrow I will be raring to go.... somewhere, anywhere, nowhere. Just raring!!

Hardee's On Mondays

2011-09-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

This was Hardee's on Monday morning (in the old days when Elbert was with us) ... Shirley and I still go up every Monday morning, keeping up the tradition that Elbert so enjoyed. Most of the time the two of us just talk. We talk about family, the state of the world, what we want to do with the rest of our lives and sometimes we talk about Elbert. The tears come then and we feel his presence, his love surrounding us. It's a cleansing thing, a time of remembrance, a time to reflect.

So, Monday mornings are Hardee's days. Shirley and I love that sweet tea. It's a southern thing you know. We wave to friends having coffee and sometimes we stop to chat. They used to ask about Elbert (after he couldn't go) and now they ask how I am doing. I say I am doing alright. Time is healing the sorrow and it's wonderful to know that people still remember him and that he was well liked in a community that had not known him before Alzheimers. His personality was so infectious. I sure do miss that sweet smile.

A Bag of Taters Goes a Long Way

2011-09-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

As I have been quite open about my struggle with indecisiveness, restlessness... and a bunch of other ness's, I have had some of you suggest that I start giving more than just sitting at home. I keep pretty busy with my little projects at home but I did take your advice.

I've always been involved in club work and in that way giving to others through the projects they would have. But, with caregiving you just can't give of yourself more than you have to give. With that phase of my life over I needed to find some way to get outside of myself, to give to others, to find a purpose.

What I'm getting at is .... now you got to realize that after years of Elbert wandering during the night and me not having a sound nights sleep for years I love to sleep in. Not bad late, just later than a lot of people. So, I got up at an early hour yesterday morning. Before the alarm went off, I'll have you know. And, I went down to the Methodist church's House of Hope, a food bank ministry that they have. Food is obtained from a food bank in the nearest city and then distributed to those locals in need by the church women.

First I was weighing potatoes. Three lbs. went into a plastic bag and each person would get one bag of potatoes.

Then I put a frozen chicken in with the bag of potatoes.

It was a hot muggy day with no air in the building and my friend, that was doing chicken with me, and I just wanted to crawl right into that freezer. It felt so good every time we opened the lid.

We were finished by noon and I walked out of there feeling really good about helping others and doing something worthwhile. So, you girls that suggested I volunteer were right!! Thank you for the encouragement.

I feel very blessed today that I have people who encourage me, to stand by me, and I am thankful I am involved in a project that helps others.

Alzheimer's Action Day

2011-09-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today, Sept 21, is Alzheimer's Action Day. Let's spread the word.... if we all work together it will make a huge difference. Tell someone about Alzheimer's and ask them to pass the word on to others. We need to take action today to help eradicate this terrible disease.

Walk through the door

2011-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

In the months following Elbert's death I struggled with finding my way without him. It has been difficult and very sad for me but just this past week I felt a change. A change can be good and I think this one is.

No one can prepare you for the grieving process because each person is different. You have to deal with your own emotions, feel for your own place in life so that you can go on. I don't say that one minute you are grieving, the next it's over. You can't sever the ties of a happy marriage like they never existed. Tears still come very easily for me, my heart hurts, I feel empty inside. However, I have experienced a sensation of walking through a door and nearly closing the door behind me. I said nearly!! I believe in a short time that door will close and I will walk on the other side of all the deep emotions that has come close to bringing me to my knees.

There's been a lot of anger I had to work through. Personal issues as well as the knowledge that Elbert didn't deserve alzheimers. He was healthy, he took care of himself. He did not have a history of alzheimers in his family. He was a Christian. He embraced every moment of his life and found joy in it. It just didn't seem fair. I even got angry that he dare go off and leave me!

The anger is gone now. I feel at peace with decisions I have made, changes I have adopted, doors I have closed. I feel God's hand in all of this, that He knows the answers of 'why Elbert?'. And, I know that He will guide me in my remaining days on earth. So, yes, I have walked through that door and stepped out into the light that He shines on me.

I just want to add that the support and caring that my blogging friends have shown me throughout this time has been great comfort to me. I love you all. I pray often for my Alzheimer caregivers. I know what it is like and wish I could help lift the burden. Maybe one day soon they will find a cure.

He always had fun.

2011-09-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

Elbert had fun no matter where he went. Here he is sitting on a tree limb making funny faces at me. He made me laugh and he could also make me cry. But, it's the laughter I remember now and the wonderful times we had.

I was blessed beyond measure to have married such an easy going guy. Even in the throes of Alzheimers he was considerate (most of the time), loved to make a joke sometimes, and always worried about me having to take care of him. Blessed? You bet.

Ducks In A Row

2011-09-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

We knew for such a long time that there was no path we could take other than the one we were on. Elbert's life was spiraling downhill so the children and I started getting our 'ducks in a row', you know, making plans, getting our finances in order, writing down important things to remember at the time when we knew our thinking would be clouded by grief. We worked hard at getting those ducks in a row and I think we were pretty successful. Not much went awry.

Then when I was alone and life had to go on, I realized that a whole new family of ducks had moved in and I had to get busy getting all of them 'in a row'. It's been a struggle. How do you know how to carry on? How do you make decisions by yourself that would have been previously made by the two of us? Talk about an empty, confused feeling!! I've been working on it. Making sure that what is left of my life runs smoothly, keeps me calm and somewhat content. For months I wasn't sure I could do this....

And, then, I got this feeling of peace, almost like God holding a road map up in front of me, showing me the path that I needed to be on. It may still have some bumps in the road as life itself is never without those bumps. But, I finally feel like I am going to make it.

I have gotten all the paperwork out of the way, met with all the 'important' people who hold my day to day existance in their hands, swept some unneccesary cobwebs out of my head, started making priorities, ridding my space of clutter. Things are looking up and those ducks are lining up pretty straight like those in the picture I posted.

I took that picture several years ago, never thought it would mean anything to me other than a brief sightseeing moment, but, you know, those ducks sitting on that log are a symbol of the work I have been doing and will continue to do. But, that a look at that picture again. There's some dadgum turtles on that log... those must be the 'bumps' I was talking about that I might encounter. Well, turtles are slow so I think I can overcome them. What do you think? You think I should take my foot and edge those turtles off into the water? Yeah... guess so, before they make my ducks fly off and mess up their row!!

Searching

2011-09-06T07:17:00.000-07:00

I ran across a long poem (which I am not going to bore you with the whole thing) that struck a cord in my heart. This pretty much sums up how I have felt so far this year.

                                                              AMPLIUS

                                       I must make my way to the mountains,
                                              and find a path to the sea,
                                       let the far and silent places
                                              become a part of me,
                                       for my world has grown so small,
                                              that there is no room at all
                                       for my spirit twisting, turning
                                              to be free.

thank you, John David Burton, for such an impelling look at my life as it is today. The poem in it's entirety is found in the book 'Fire In The Soul' by Richard Lyon Morgan.

A Good Day

2011-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of good days. Stayed busy... that seems to be the answer. So, you ask, what are you doing to keep you so busy ?

First of all, I went to a nearby Army base (Elbert was Navy but the Army recognizes us seagoing folks) to pick up my prescription and do a little shopping at the commissary. The military was such a huge part of my and Elbert's life and it just seems RIGHT to be driving down a base street at turtle pace and have to stop for troops in the crosswalk. Those guys look so young, so innocent, so.... how Elbert looked when we got married!!

It's a life I miss. Those were the good times when we were young and moving around from base to base with our little pascal of kiddies. Didn't know enough about the world to worry that much, just taking care of each other and loving every minute of it. We had five children, all born in different states.

******************
the oldest (a girl) born in Alabama where I was waiting for Elbert to come back from Korea
the second (a boy) born in Florida. We also lost him there, at age 3 1/2 months.
the third (a girl) born in Seattle, Washington
the fourth (a boy) born in Honolulu, Hawaii
the fifth (a girl) born in Bainbridge, Maryland
*******************

Fast forward to the present....

Our third child now has grandchildren of her own and it was her first grandson who had a first birthday Tuesday and, of course, great-grandmother had to help him celebrate. I sat there looking at the generations gathered around the birthday boy (there were four generations present) and how I wished that Elbert could have been there. He was so crazy about the 'little ones'.

But, life marches on, the roller coaster is climbing toward the pinnacle ... I hope to keep it there by remaining focused on the good in my life, the memories of the past and making memories of life as I know it now.

It's okay to be sad and wish for happier times. I tell myself that all the time. I do know, also that sadness can't take over your life and cloud your willingness to live in the today that you have. Count your blessings. I did have Elbert for 60 precious years. That's a huge blessing in itself.

ROLLER COASTER

2011-08-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of this roller coaster ride. Now, I've never been on a roller coaster in my life and I will tell you right now, I won't ever be. Not a real one in an amusement park. Just looking at them scares me to death. Nope, my feet are planted firmly on the ground.

I was talking about this up and down and twist and turn and just when you think you are making a slow climb to the top, you get there and you plumment right down to the bottom again at break-neck speed.

I have read up on grief. Least I thought I had read enough to sort of know how it would be. The only really close death I had experienced before was losing my Mom in 1996. And, I did go to counseling for a short period of time afterward. And, I got through it, I thought, pretty well.

But, there is nothing to compare with losing a spouse. Losing Mom was tough and I don't want to take anything away from how that hurt ..... but losing Elbert has just thrown me. My daughter tells me all the time how very strong I am and I thought I was. I've dealt with a tremendous amount of struggles over my life but some things just take your strength away and you have to lean on an arm stronger than any other. I am trying to call on that higher strength. I know He hears our prayers but sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to pray for ease from this roller coaster ride I am on. I have come to believe that if you don't go through ALL the phases they tell you that are in the grieving process then you can't heal. Hmmmmm.....

Anger is an issue with me right now. I have always been a very calm, almost passive person. Elbert and I never fought (in 60 years of marriage). Not that we didn't disagree on things but we were not fighting. Now, I seem to be filled with anger. I am angry about so many things. I am angry at Alzheimers and it picking Elbert to reside in. I am angry at Elbert because he left me and I have to admit that there are times I just wish I could go back 20 years and find him. I am angry over nothing and everything, then all of a sudden I 'fly off the handle' at someone and the anger is not at them but they are the recipient of some unnamed rage inside me. So, somebody, tell me if that is normal, whatever normal is these days!! Or something I should get counseling over or pray about or what the heck I am supposed to do.

They don't give you a road map on grief.

In The Dark of Night

2011-08-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

The sun goes down taking with it the light. The shadows grow long and unidentifible. I pull on my jammies and crawl into bed and the night sounds begin.

No, this is not a scary movie. It is part of learning to live alone. I feel very safe where I am so I am not afraid, however, I dread the sounds that I hear, not with my ears, but the sounds that I remember. The footfall of someone not there, a voice calling out, stumbles from room to room. I listen and there is no sound. It is just me being so trained to listen out, to watch and wait, to protect and care, that I can't seem to turn loose of that part of my life.

Some nights are good and I sleep the sleep of the weary. Some nights my body is tense and watchful, thinking I am still on duty and I do not sleep. When I realize that my 'job' is over, the tears come.

Nighttime is dark and lonely.

Take Your Time

2011-08-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

There is a time to grieve.... there is a time to be happy....

It's the TIME to grieve that concerns me at this point. I've often heard that a person in grief should not make any major decisions for at least one year. That may seem hard to do but it is so very necessary. I'd add making any decisions at all for one year!!

The effect of the decisions I make now twist and turn and are never clear from one day to the other. What I think is right for me one day, is totally wrong the next day. I am struggling with finding a clear path to walk these days. The road seems endless and stretches far to the horizon and then fades into oblivion. And, although i can not see the road as it dips out of sight I know that when i reach that point, at the edge of tomorrow, there will be more road going on endlessly...

It certainly isn't a time to make a move, sell your home and buy a new place, even to plan a trip. It also is not time, I am finding, to change my hairdo, change my schedule, change where I buy groceries even. I need that security of the 'known', of what I am comfortable with, for things I don't have to think through. My 'thinking cap' is on the life I have lived with my spouse, on happy times and yes, the bad times, of when raising a family was the biggest challenge that we had.

It has been 7 months since Elbert left us. It seems like it is 7 years. I know that 'in time' I will move on and live again. But, that time is on the horizon.

Grief on Stage

2011-08-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

I don't think I know how to grieve. The 'experts' say it comes in stages and so it may. Who am I to argue with the experts? At this juncture of my life, I am not sure which STAGE I am in. Maybe it is because, with Alzheimers you start your grieving process the day you know you are facing that dread disease. Okay, what stage is that? Is there a category named 'Pre Death Grief'? I know that there is anger involved. Oh boy, did I get mad... how dare this happen to the sweetest, most agreeable guy on earth? Well, it did and I got over my mad spell pretty quick. You do what you gotta do and carry on.

Denial..... another stage or so they say, but there was no denying from me...I knew that there was something very wrong. Elbert never went through denial either. You'd never say 'Honey, how do you feel about having alzheimers?' You'd get as many answers as there are people with it. But, when I did bring up the subject Elbert just said 'There's nothing anyone can do so I live with it'. He accepted what was handed to him and went from there to the end with immeasureable grace. I was so blessed. You have no idea how blessed.

Extreme sadness, depression, yeah, I went through that at times through the long years of caregiving but there was a sense of release, of letting go when Elbert went home to be with his Lord. I knew he'd be happy just hanging out in heaven. But, for me, the process started all over again, right from page one of the Grief manual.

Denial.... a little

Anger.... some but like I say, I knew he was better off.

Sadness, oh my goodness. There is no way to describe the sadness at being left behind, of being alone. Depression, there was some of that but it is the sadness that I just seem to wallow in every single day. It takes so little, A book he once read, a song we liked together, a trip down a familiar road, a hymn that was his favorite, his side of the bed, the way he told me that he loved me. Yep, sad times for sure. Does it ever get better? I sure hope so.

Those of you who have already lost someone to Alzheimer's (or any other disease) will know what I am talking about. For those of you with that day yet to come my heart just breaks for you. Just know that I am here always, a friend from afar, with a shoulder, a shoulder that has already carried the burden of caring and loss.

Gee, I need to get over this 'stage'. I am depressing myself much less everyone else!!

Much love to each of you, for your continued support and care. Blogging friends are the best!!

Time drips so slowly

2011-08-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

Time is like a slow dripping faucet. Drip.... drip...... drip. Has it only been 7 months since I lost my sweetie. It feels like a hundred years. And, some days I feel like I am 100.

I am in Nebraska visiting my son and daughter-in-law and alone most of the time. People do have to work, I guess. I feel the depression (which, by the way, I was keeping at bay very well back home) dripping into my body... drip.... drip... drip. Every day I am more saturated with it.

This is the first time I have visited Michael since his Dad passed and it hurts. I have cried alot. You see, when the two of us visited before I had Elbert to see about. And, I had his companionship, the connection of being a couple. I feel so doggone empty. I know that it must affect Michael as well. Missing his Dad, I mean.

Every 'first' is so hard. This is just another one of those first I have to go through. Drip.... drip..... drip.

2011-06-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dec 2008 ......
I had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I couldn't seem to get to the mall enough to purchase all the gifts I had to get (there's 18 of us in the family) so that's a big job and one I always want to do. However, this year, I just seemed to drag my feet. As time went by and the pile of presents grew so by the 19th of December I was feeling pretty confident that in another week things would be in place. I also got a sense that Elbert knew that Christmas was drawing near. He didn't mention it and seemed to care little as the rest of us went about decorating and wrapping and baking. But one night he linked his arm through mine and we marched all over the house singing 'Jingle Bells' and other carols. He knew the words to them all. That was a great Christmas gift for me.

A New Idea

2011-04-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

This blog has been a godsend for me as it allowed me to express myself while I cared for my husband. I've made some really special friends and sure don't want to lose contact with those. However, I feel that it is time that I start a new blog, to focus on what I need to do as I move forward past the Alzheimers and the grief.

I sure hope I don't lose any of you but if I do I understand. Caregiving is a very trying and exhausting job. I love you all and wish the very best for each of you. I'll be checking in on you from time to time. I do hope that you will just move on over with me.....Down the Rabbit Hole. http://latane-barton.blogspot.com/

Dreams

2011-04-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

It's amazing (or perhaps not knowing how connected we always were) how often I dream something about Elbert. My latest was so 'Elbert'. That man loved attention, whether he was getting it or giving it.

I dreamed that we had gone to an outdoor concert and was sitting way up from the band in a sort of train car box with lots of other people in the seats around us. The band director announced 'There are people here from Alabama' and I dreamed that Elbert stood up, waving his hand and yelled, 'We are right here'. Oh, so Elbert.

How comforting it is to still have him with me in my dreams.

Tribute

2011-03-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

Elbert's favorite room in our house was the sunroom. It had lots of windows and he could sit and watch people walking by and cars going over the speed limit. He'd say every time 'they sure are going fast'. Of course, to him by that time everything was going faster than he could comprehend.

As I needed to be with him more and more, I moved my computer desk into the sunroom so I could have something to do while I sat with him. Conversation was almost non-existent and I just don't SIT very well without something to do.

About a month ago I walked into the living room. I had placed his folded flag on the mantel in there and I just had this feeling that Elbert needed to be in that sunroom he loved so much. So, I got one of this old Navy hats, the large picture of him we used for the viewing at the funeral home, his flag and one of his hunting horns. And, I placed them on top of my desk. I can look up anytime I wish and see his handsome face looking down on me. Dd Shirley asked me if that didn't make me cry. Usually not, I told her. But, if I cry, that's alright. I feel his presence with me and that is comforting.

A Tough Day

2011-03-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Today was tough. I got a call that the headstone was in place on Elbert's grave so I drove down to the cemetery. Now, I had been down there before but it didn't seem real then. Just a little green plastic frame with Elbert's name hand-written on the insert stuck in a flat rectangle of grassless soil. I didn't even cry. It just was not him.

Today was totally different. When I walked up and saw Elbert's name on his headstone I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I think I audibly let out a huge breath of air and grabbed my middle. There it was.... carved in stone... affirming that yes, Willie Elbert Barton had lived his life and now lay amid rows and rows of identical stones, all veterans who served our country.

I am so proud of what he accomplished in his lifetime. He was, too. That little ole country boy who gave over 22 years to his country and did pretty well with it all. It says on his tomb that he fought in two wars, Korea and Vietnam. It says, too, that he was a Lt. (went all the way up the ranks from seaman apprentice to Lt.) Yep, I am very proud of him. And, there it is... engraved on his headstone. But, it doesn't say anything about what kind of man he was or how much he loved his family or his God.

When asked what else we wanted engraved on the tomb (besides the essentials) the family talked it over and decided that 'love and honor' pretty much summed that man up from beginning to end. He loved life, he loved us all, he loved God and his country, he just loved the very air he breathed. Nothing much bothered that man, he was always smiling and happy.

And, Honor. He honored his family by being the best he could be. He honored God by trying to live the life God would have wanted him to and he fought and served with honor for his country.

Yep, the tears flowed and I cried all the way home.

Tieing up loose ends

2011-03-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

I am finding that there are a lot of 'loose' ends that has to be taken care of. Paperwork, paperwork. For everyone I am sure it is different... Paperwork after death has to do with whatever your life involved around.

Once my brain started functioning on a somewhat normal level (after the funeral and the new experiences of being alone) I started on in that blasted PAPERWORK... I am a pretty independent person and I have been so determined to take care of things myself. But, do you know there were letters I received... and read....and forms to fill out that I lay aside saying I need a clearer mind to tackle that.

One was the nursing home final bill. It just didn't seem right to me so I drove down yesterday to see if I could find out what was wrong. Seems that one insurance we had wouldn't cover skilled care so they had billed me for it... BUT... the business office didn't have another insurance listed that Elbert had. Once that was figured into the equation I only owed them half what they said I did. I was so excited that I had handled that and with good results. In fact, I was so excited I drove over to my favorite sandwich shop and treated myself to their extra yummy chicken salad sandwich on croisant. Oh, my.

I can't believe that it is March already. Some small signs of spring, like my daffodils blooming, grass getting greener and the days a bit warmer some of the time. I was just thinking about a day trip Elbert and I took in 2001 a couple years after we moved to Va. We had never been to Jamestown so we decided we would go. I mean, we were so close and to not see it seemed a real shame.

Elbert was such a people person. He never met a stranger, would talk to anyone and most times have them loving his stories and jokes. So, he naturally wanted his picture made with one of the Jamestown Settlement interpreter. Can't remember for sure but from the big smiles on both their faces I can just about guarantee that Elbert has just told her something funny.

Being a sailor and having served on several of our Naval ships he really was amazed at how tiny the Susan Constant was. He crawled around all over it.

And, then he 'pretended' to steer her to America.

I have been so blessed to have had Elbert for such a long time. He was always charming, fun and loved life to the enth degree.

First Events

2011-02-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

After losing a loved one, facing those special occasions is a very difficult time. So many memories tied up with

Valentines day with presentations of the card and flowers or candy and loving kisses...

Christmas and the memories of family gathered around the tree

Thanksgiving and the head of the house carving the turkey with everyone waiting and watching, tummys growling.

and many other holidays.

I had my first encounter with a 'first event' just this past Tuesday. It was Elbert's 81st birthday.

This Feb. 8th I was alone. My sweetheart was not celebrating a birthday this year.

I was with two daughters, Shirley and Susan and Susan's 3 year old, Tighe. We were in Baltimore for a couple of days and that was good. I had family around me and we stayed on the go all day on the 8th. Then night fell and I was lying on Tighe's bed while the girls were doing various chores around the hotel room. The sadness enveloped me and Susan sat down beside me and put her arms around me. 'Grandmother is sad' she told Tighe and he came and hugged me. Of course, that completely did away with any holding back of tears.

Susan asked me 'you want to be left alone, Mom, or do you want all of us to pile in on you' and before I could answer all three of them jumped on top of me, hugging and kissing and laughing and teasing. Yes, I will get through all those first events.... because I have such a special, loving family.

Days Long - Nights, too

2011-01-30T08:49:00.000-08:00

How long is a day? 12 hours.

How long is a night? 12 hours.

Add them up and that is 24 hours.

Beg to differ with you there.

My days seem 50 hours at least and then the dark comes and night falls and it's 50 hours til daybreak.
Wintertime is the worst. The days are short, or so they say. But, they feel like the longest day of the year, each and every one of them.

I try to stay busy and goodness knows that all the paperwork following a death is a lot of work. But, my seconds, minutes and hours have a lack of direction to them. No getting in the car and heading to the nursing home. No sitting with my hubby for awhile, enjoying the time. No going shopping for special treats for him, or new pajamas or houseshoes. It's like someone came along and just sliced that part of my life right out of existence. How do I fill that time? How do I find a new direction?

The time will come one of these days when I do find a new meaning to my days and nights. Right now it's just so difficult.

Shock Gone

2011-01-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

The numbness and shock that I have felt for two weeks wore off during the night last night. I awoke this morning missing Elbert, missing our life together, allowing myself finally to think back past Alzheimers. I had not allowed myself to 'think and feel'. I thought it would be easier that way. So I wrapped my mind, heart and body around the moment, doing very ordinary things. Then I was worried because I didn't grieve a lot.

Yesterday I was cleaning out a spare room upstairs and ran across a box of momentoes that I have saved over the years. I decided to scan some of the things and sort some out to give to the children. Yesterday I handled it well.... this morning I am full of tears remembering the good times and embracing the hurt and sadness and loss.

There were so many little pieces of paper (a telegram from 1951 where he informed me he and his buddy had arrived back in Calif from a visit to see me safe and sound).

There was a poem he had cut out of a magazine and wrote my name at the top and signed it with his at the bottom.

There were cards from flowers he had sent me, and some letters I had saved from the beginning of our relationship to recent times. There was a book of tickets from OUR egg farm back in the 50s. We were short of money and he bought a hundred chickens from our landlady and sold eggs to sailors on the base.

And, so much more. We certainly lived a full life and most of the time a meaningful life. We traveled and did exciting things. We scrimped when the pay was low. We lived in all kinds of conditions and I wouldn't trade any part of it for the world. So, Honey, here's to you...... Thanks for giving me such a wonderful life. I will always cherish the memories.

Time

2011-01-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday Jan. 15th (I think). Elbert has been gone 12 days. It seems like months and months, even years, and in reality he has, not in body but in mind. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. I clean house then I sit then I load the dishwasher then I pace. My routine is scrambled like some egg in a frying pan. No more getting ready to go to the nursing home. An empty place in my heart.

Speaking of heart.... after Elbert's funeral I began to notice heart arrythmia, pretty strong. I've had palpatations before but nothing like this... I finally decided my heart was broken and no longer knew how to beat. I got a little concerned about it so I got on the internet and looked it up. One cause.... caffeine. Duh. During all the days of getting ready for the funeral, people bringing in food, family arriving etc. I just picked up whatever was available to eat or drink. And, I'd downed any soft drink sitting there. I cut out the caffeine and my heart is beating normal again. In grief we just don't care about anything. Maybe we all need someone to be our guardian during that time.

My family was and has always been amazing. They all were loving guardians (not over the food) for me. For a long time now they knew there was nothing they could do to improve their Dad's life so they turned their attention on me. Sometimes too much. (grin).

I was thinking yesterday that I have become too dependent on my children over the course of Elbert's illness. And, I just resolved to do something about it. I am going to be more independent, do anything I can do for myself and not even mention things that need my attention for they'd be here in a heart beat. No, it's time to take back my life. And, I am going to start by being healthier. I have gained too much weight during the years of sitting so I could be near Elbert. That has to be hard on that heart as well. My granddaughter came up to me during the visition at the funeral home and said, 'You know you are my only living grandparent now.' There was this big pause and then she added sternly but with a smile 'No more Whoppers for you'.

I knew what she meant. I do love and I mean LOVE Whoppers. With extra onion, thank you. And, I don't pay attention to my carbs even though my blood sugar is a little high. A friend called yesterday. Her husband has type 2 diabetes and with her guidance over the food he ate he was able to stay off medicine. I told her I want to know what she does in her kitchen. I have a brand new kitchen and I don't cook. What is wrong with me, folks? ha If any of you have low carb recipes I'd love for you to share them. I want to be healthy.

A Ray of Sunshine

2011-01-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

Remember the tune 'Look For The Silver Lining'? Oh, you're not as old as me and have never heard of it!! Sorry, you missed a great song. It was written by Jerome Kern and goes like this.

                                                   I look for the silver lining
                                             Whenever clouds appear in the blue
                                          Remember somewhere the sun is shining
                                                So the right thing for you to do
                                                      is make it shine for you.

                                                A heart full of joy and gladness
                                             will always banish sadness and strife
                                               So always look for the silver lining
                                              and try to find the sunny side of life.

There have been so many dark clouds on my horizon lately. This song came to mind this morning as I rejoiced in the birth of a new great grandson. Life has come full circle.

The baby was named Dylan Joel, born at 12:31 a.m. Jan 12, 2011, just 1 1/2 weeks after his great grandpa died. What a blessing that we see new life, new hope, a new beginning. And, oh, how his great grandpa would have adored him. I got to visit with the new parents and baby today. He's so alert, so beautiful. He's that silver lining in the dark clouds.

It's Been One Week

2011-01-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

One week ago yesterday Elbert went home to be with the Lord.

I didn't know what to expect out of the grieving process nor had I ever really thought about it. Who wants to think of how they will act under such circumstances? Grief for each is different and very personal but I decided that I would continue this journey with all of you wonderful, caring friends who have held me up and sometimes carried me as I cared for Elbert. You enriched my life, you loved me and supported me and although when you come to the end of YOUR journey it will be, as I said, very different and very personal. At that time I hope that you can glean some little tidbit of comfort from being a wee bit prepared (from reading this blog)

This first week has been interesting. I have felt numb for most of the days and wanted to sleep. Oh, my how tired, emotionally and physically, I was and still am to some extent. It's okay to sleep and sleep I did. To begin with of course was the flurry of activity. Even though we had a prepaid funeral plan and had most of our information on file at the funeral home I found there still was a lot to do. Order flowers, which one daughter took care of. Arrange for the minister (our former pastor lives in Texas now), get an organist and soloist, make sure out of towners are notified. Is there enough food? Is there enough toliet paper for all this crowd? and kleenex? Where will everyone sleep? I have four children, inlaws, grandchildren. But, you know, it all took care of itself. People took over and just did.

I have had feelings of relief. I feel guilty having those feelings. I should have felt that I wanted him here with me as long as I lived. But, the truth is, I have lost him every single day for years. Too many to think about. I have grieved until I think I have just grieved all the tears out of me. I can't cry it seems. Oh, I did at the military part of his funeral. Lost it. And, that's good. I was burying my love, my companion. But, then the tears just did not come until night before last when I woke up at 3 a.m. I felt odd, like I was an unloving spouse for not shedding tears. I hope that in time I can cry my heart out. But, you know, I was not an unloving wife and I know he loved me so very much. As he lay dying he knew me and a lot of the family were there. When I'd say something to him he would try to turn his body and lift his arms up toward me to give me a hug.

Okay..... now I'm crying!! Maybe I just needed to talk about it and too, I have tried to be so strong for the children and grands. Shirley said yesterday 'Mom, you never cease to amaze me'. Well, kiddo... I do it for you!!

I've been in my house alone for one and a half years. So, settling down by myself in the house has been comparatively easy. Elbert was in a very loving nursing home and I feel that the family made the right decisions about first placing him in an assisted living and when he couldn't stay there to move him on to a nursing home. I couldn't have cared for him at home without round the clock help. We couldn't have been more pleased with his care at Consulate N.H. In fact, after he passed some of the nurses were seen in the hallway crying. That's special care.

TIP: Do your homework if you plan to use a nursing home. Get references, visit the facility at odd times, and keep a watch during your loved ones stay. The more you visit the more they are sure to be on task.

Yesterday, the one week anniversary, Shirley got me out of the house. She has been my mainstay for years. Well, I guess she had to be.... she lives next door. (grin) We dropped off flowers for the nursing home staff and a thank you card. We just wanted them to know how much we appreciated their attentiveness and kindness. Then on to pick up granddaughter, Britt, who was due any hour. She wanted to spend the night (and watch the football championship) with her Mom. Got a text message a bit ago..... they are headed to the hospital. Little Dylan is on his way.

How significant is that!!! Life passes on, a new life begins.

The Eulogy

2011-01-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

We didn't move to Wakefield until signs of Alzheimers was already beginning to rob Elbert of his way of life. I wanted our 'new' friends to know him and I wanted the family, especially the Grandchildren, to remember their Papa as he used to be. So, some time back I made up my mind that I would get up and read the eulogy at his funeral. I did and here is what I said:

Elbert and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary. We've known and loved each other most of our lives. When we met he was a tall, lanky lad of 17 years. I was 13. He joined the Navy and for the next 3 years we kept the postal service in business. In Dec of 1950 we were married.

Elbert grew up on a farm in Alabama, the oldest of 10 kids. A lot of responsibility fell on him at an early age. He helped his mother cook and care of the younger ones and he’d be the first to tell you that he’d probably washed more diapers than any woman he knew. He was his Mother’s buddy and he was an excellent son.

I am so proud of what he did with his life and I think he was proud of himself. He’d come from that little farm, worked his way up through the Navy ranks, was commissioned an officer and even was on staff at the Naval Academy. He was proud to serve his country and did so for 22 years. The night before the Battle of Inchon those young boys were scared to death. Elbert prayed that God would see him through and for the rest of that battle and the rest of his life he was never afraid. He also served in Vietnam.

He was the happiest person I have ever known. He just didn’t think that anything was worth being unhappy about. I thought he had the most beautiful smile, but one of my best memories of him was when he would always come in the back door whistling a happy tune.

If you knew Elbert well you’d know that he loved being the center of attention. He was always the life of the party wherever he went. He was always telling jokes and stories. He loved to laugh.

He was ordained as a Primitive Baptist minister in 1974 and co-pastured several churches in Alabama. God seemed to guide him in every step of his life.

He was an avid foxhunter. He was well-respected as an excellent hunter and field judge. I can just hear him now, his hunting horn to his mouth blowing the signal to call his dogs home.

Elbert loved his family beyond measure. Each of them were the light of his life…He was an inspiration to all the grandchildren and wanted the best for them….. So, grandchildren…it’s your turn now to carry on your Pa Pa’s legacy.

He loved me with such a deep, everlasting love. I was a very lucky lady to have known and been loved by Elbert Barton. I always knew when springtime came he’d come in from his walk in the woods carrying a tiny flower in his big hands. To me it was as precious as a dozen roses. I’d stuck it in my thimble and when it died, he’d bring me another. I always knew how much he loved me and as he was drawing his last breaths he would still turn toward me wanting to have a hug.

He truly believed that if you worked hard, treated people right and loved the Lord you could have a good life. And he did live a full life, complete with a lot of laughter and love.

As we gather today, although we will miss his physical presence, let us not just grieve but also celebrate his life as it was fully lived.

THE JOURNEY HAS COME TO AN END

2011-01-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

Elbert has finally regained his wonderful spirit, mind and body... at 9:50 this morning. I know he's so happy to be rid of forgetting things, not knowing who people were and being stuck in that ole wheelchair. He's finally in the arms of Jesus, smiling down on us. Oh, how we all will miss him but a peace is in our hearts tonight in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering.

THE JOURNEY IS ALMOST OVER

2011-01-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

My sweet husband took a turn for the worse a few days ago and the family is just waiting and watching. The journey is almost over. Please remember us in your prayers .... and I pray for those of you who are still in the journey. God bless you and keep you.

Time Marches On

2010-12-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Time is marching on and it will soon be 2011. Sometimes time seems to stand still. Other times it flies fast as hummingbird wings. Time is snails pace for Elbert. He has no concept of time or place or things or people. Yet, I am marching on with life as best I know how. Seeing family, paying bills, cleaning a messy house (how is it that one person can make such a mess?) and so on. Time is not constant. It weaves in and out of our lives, marking life's events but no one can put a label on it. It is that measure we give each thought, each act, each kindness, each ache.

Today my time has been filled with returning from a trip(all that unpacking, laundry, organizing) and visiting with Elbert. How my feet flew at home with each task. How my feet were slow, oh so slow, as I wheeled Elbert down to feed him. Tough chore today. I noticed for the first time that he did not seem to know how to swallow liquids. (tea or water). It was swished around in his mouth and then held there. I rubbed his throat (I'd seen him do that trying to get a dog to swallow pills) and finally it would go down.... if it did not spill out onto the bib. Time... I would love a ton more time with my sweet hubby but not like this. Time is crawling and it's painful to live in this time frame.

A Big Day

2010-12-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

Don't you just love it when your loved one is having a good day? Elbert was pretty good today and that was special because it is our 60th wedding anniversary. Of course, I drove down to spend some time with him.

It was cold on Dec. 10, 1950 when we ran off and got married. That was 60 years ago. Today was a very special day indeed. I had Elbert with me and we would celebrate however his mind and body would allow.

Elbert seemed somewhat agitated when I got there, just about wringing his thumb off with his other hand. Finally he settled down and ate his lunch. Fish, grits and stewed tomatoes. I thought that was a dumb meal but took a bite and you know, I may make me some of that fish and tomatoes. I'm a Southern gal and grits is for breakfast, people.

I wheeled Elbert out to the lobby where a big Christmas tree was decorated and lighted. He seemed to enjoy looking at that.

We went into the dining room to listen to a high school glee club singing Christmas carols in the dining room. That agitation was evidently still lingering under the surface because when the glee club started singing a really jivey tune from the 1980s by JOURNEY he started getting out of his chair. I pulled him back and he drew back to hit me. Then he started shoving the table around so we scooted out of there in a hurry. As soon as he was away from the noise he was alright.

It wasn't the wonderful anniversaries that we had celebrated in the past. But, we were together, that's all that mattered.

We march on

2010-11-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yep, one foot at a time, we march on. The scenery around us is changing and it makes me sad. Since Elbert moved into the nursing home (mid August) he has gone from being fairly responsive to not responding as much and when he does he's 'out of it' and makes no sense. He went from feeding himself to having to have some help and now he has to be fed .... and he isn't eating nearly as much. I see his bony legs and arms and know that he has lost a good deal of weight. He slumps in the wheel chair (when he can be in one) or lies with his legs drawn up almost to his chin when he is in the 'reclining wheel chair' or bed. He has his days and nights mixed up so that he sleeps all day and they have to watch him carefully at night as he is awake and restless. How did we come to this? Oh, yes, we got here because of Alzhiemers.

When I went to see him this morning he was lying in bed in an almost fetal position his skinny long legs out from under the cover and cold. One sock on, one sock off. When I tried to straighten his legs he was as stiff as could be and I could not budge him. So, I sat and tried to talk to him but mostly he had his eyes closed. I knew he heard me because he would move his hands or sometime say something.

Finally I asked him if he wanted me to read to him. You see, I have such a hard time just sitting, staring at the man I love whose body is there but 'he' is gone. So, I take some handwork or my Kindle to read from. I was just starting 'A Christmas Carol'. I'd seen it on tv many times but I had never read it before. He nodded his head that he was willing to listen to me drone on and on page after page so I began reading. After awhile I heard him snoring so I eased out of the room and came home.

It's so hard to see him like this. The children particularly are having a difficult time visiting their Dad. The wonderful memories of their growing up with a loving father is now being muddied with the memories of his mutterings, and staring into space with vacant eyes and lying in bed almost unrecognizable. They go when they feel they can. I go and sit and try to talk and maybe read to him. At least I feel we are connecting in some fashion.

FALL CELEBRATION

2010-11-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning daughter Shirley, son in law John, granddaughter Brittany and her Jon and me, of course, headed down to Consulate nursing home for a Fall Celebration.

It was held outside in the parking lot and the weather was cloudy and a bit nippy, typical Fall weather.

John, Shirley, Jon, Brittany with Elbert. He would not turn loose of my coat. As I said it was a bit nippy and that coat was keeping his hands warm.

Men from Consulate cooking up free hamburgers and hot dogs.

Here, Honey, take another bite!! He's still holding onto my coat.

Shirley trying to entice him with cotton candy but he'd rather have the sucker.

Give me a little love, Dad.... it's time for us to go.

I wasn't prepared for this either

2010-11-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

A little break from the drab, dreary world that Alzheimers brings us all to...

This was a ray of sunshine!!

As I walked down the hallway yesterday to visit Elbert he was in his usual place by the nurses station and a residents daughter, Susan, was talking to him. I saw him glance up and see me coming down the hall... and his eyesight is awful and he won't wear his glasses so I know his sight is atrocious. But, there is this huge grin on his face and by the time I reached his chair he was just beaming. So, was I!!!

After lunch I started pushing him around the nursing home and occassionally we'd stop in this 'living room' or that waiting room or the front entrance hall for a few minutes to give him and me a change of scenery.... and me to catch my breath. That man is heavy.

I was totally amazed at his focus and the things coming out of that man's mouth. Once he noticed one of the aides helping feed someone at the other end of the table and he said, 'I think someone down there is pretty'. I asked if he thought she was pretty and he nodded his head. A compliment out of him. Good.

Once he commented on what a big house that was. Yep, he's got that right.

I got to testing his arm muscles, giving a little squeeze and asked him what he had done with all that muscle, that it was gone. And his reply was 'it would be good if I had some'.

There was more chatter... something about what I thought of Miami.... Miami, where did that come from? We've never even been to Miami.

And, he was paying attention to other people talking so he was enjoying himself tremendously.

But, the best part of all was when I started to wheel him down the hall that little stinker stuck his feet out in front of him, started making the varoom, varoom sound of a car, put his hands out and started 'turning the wheel'. He was driving!! I just wish I had someone in front of us with a video camera. It was just the funniest thing and so alert and fun loving, just like he used to be.

Just look at this picture..... He's right in the midst of telling a big tale here, his favorite thing to do.

I wasn't prepared

2010-10-28T06:05:00.000-07:00

There's a lot about life that I wasn't prepared for. The early stuff just seemed to happen and we were a happy family and didn't give a hoot about anything.

Then age slips up on you and you find you aren't prepared for anything. Ah, those good ole days when we didn't think about getting old, being sick, having to worry about so much.

I was thinking about my grandmother the other day... I remember her sitting in her rocking chair watching the traffic go by. My aunt cooked, cleaned (she was never married so the task of caregiving fell in her lap) and 'Ma' just sat, content with her life as it went on down that road. She was a cute little ole woman and lived to be 100.

And, my own mother... She was my age now (76) when my step-dad passed away and we moved her into a mobile home across our little driveway. In the beginning Mom did a little cooking for herself, she still drove to the grocery store occassionally and to church on Sunday but I can't remember her being bogged down with all the cares of the world. One of my memories is of her watching Elbert mow her grass and she'd run out with a drink of water for him, or he'd take her over a piece of pie or some food when she couldn't get out... or her sitting on her front porch watching butterflies in her yard.

I haven't sat and watched a butterfly in ages. No time. I am really feeling all the pressure of this Alzheimers disease. Now, that's something no one is ever prepared for, Alzheimer's I mean.

Remember when everyone was talking about the Big C (meaning cancer). It was during John Wayne's cancer that we started hearing the term Big C. a lot and we all began to wonder and worry and perhaps we did a few things to help prevent the disease, at least for a little while.

No one to my knowledge has called Alzheimers the Big A. and no one prepared us for what lay ahead if a loved one got it. We wouldn't have believed them if they had told us. Nope, I wasn't prepared Big Time.

Over the last few years I have met many challenges that I wasn't prepared for... the sleepless nights, the chasing after Elbert in the middle of the night after he escaped the house, the cleaning up constant Poop (sorry, that may be offensive but it's the truth), the trying to get him up off the floor after his daily falls, the answering the same question a kazillion times a day. And finally after it all became overwhelming he did move into a nursing home.... and here comes the financial part of it. Worry, worry, worry. The last few months have been tremendously trying (and thank God, for Shirley without whom I could not wade my way through all this financial mess) She's my ray of sunshine!!

TODAY'S BLESSING
Today I would like to thank my Shirley.... it hasn't been easy.... but you have been amazing. I thank God for you, for you are a true blessing. And, geez, you can be so funny right when I am at my lowest.

Cool Memories

2010-10-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to the nursing home yesterday my mind wandered back to other long ago Fall days when the air was crisp and the sun was lemon yellow. I recalled a special time with my Mother, who has been gone since 1996. Elbert loved my Mom and the feeling was mutual. She lived across the driveway from us in her mobile home (so I could keep an eye on her) and Elbert looked after her just like I did.

It was cool that day, the leaves had turned and Elbert knew that Mom would enjoy a brief trip down to the pasture. The grazing land was edged with maple, oak, dogwood, sourwood, everything to make some beautiful colors that time of the year.

'Let's take your Mom for a spin'. he said

So, we put her in the truck, he opened the pasture gate and away we went, bumpy, bumpy. The cows were used to him feeding them hay from the back of the truck so naturally they all came running. Elbert rode as close to the trees as he could and then he took off across the pasture. He knew where a persimmon tree was

and since we'd had a frost the persimmons ought to be good and sweet. Mom was delighted to see the heavily loaded tree and she got out and ate just about as many as a possum would!!

That's just the sweet, kind-hearted kind of man Elbert was. Special times indeed. I don't see that side of his personality now. He's struggling to stay Elbert but it sure is hard. Yesterday, he was very unfocused. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Gee, I wonder if that persimmon tree is still down in what used to be our pasture?

TURNING A PAGE IN THE BOOK OF LIFE

2010-10-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

I promised you a post on my resolve to turn a new page in my life, So, here it is. I am working hard on maintaining that resolve. Old habits are hard to break. Sometimes you just can't turn the page all at once. Things on the preceeding pages hold our attention. But, like I say.... I am trying.

Life with Alzheimers has been, and is, a tough struggle. I've laid aside so much of who I was so that I could concentrate on taking care of Elbert. He is the # 1 priority because he is 'near and dear' and the love of my life. Each change in him means a new role for me. When he moved to Magnolia Manor Assisted Living, that involved embracing new ideas, new schedules, new ways of doing things. And, now with him in the nursing home I am opening a new chapter for myself. His care is basically out of my hands.... except, of course, what I chose to do. And, at this age, what my energy level will allow me to undertake. This new journey I am on does not mean that he is less to me or that I am abandoning our love or our commitment to each other. After all come Dec. 10th of this year we will have been married 60 years!!!

I've had so much stress on me for so long and it has taken it's toll. I've taken anti-depressants to keep me out of a deep dark hole and sometimes that did not even work. Problems (children, in-laws, grandkids, friends and people who claim to be my friend) seem to creep through the walls of my life. Some of them recognize the need to protect me, some do not.

The two weeks that I was in New York (and I always come back from Susan's renewed) was a wake-up call for me. There was time to reflect, to plan, to figure out what Elbert would want for me now that he can no longer help me make decisions and join me in the joys of our life together.

I decided it was time to close some doors (maybe a whole bunch of them) and open some new ones. Ones that will give me peace and joy and less stress. My taking care of Elbert and myself are the main concern. So, I need to get on with that.

I decided I would rid myself of what I could of stress-related things. I would fill my days with joy and peace and contentment. I would find those things that opened my mind to new and exciting ventures (now, I did not say ADventures although there may be some of those, too). I want to grow and learn and be healthy (not on anti-depressants because my world is collapsing around me and I don't know how to control the collapse).

So, I came up with this thought. I know part of it is not original... I don't know about the rest of the slogan. I think I may have heard it somewhere.... or perhaps it was my soul screaming it out to me. I try to say this (with conviction) every morning that I open my eyes.

'Today is the first day of the rest of my life... and what I do with it .... is up to me!!'

Enough said.

Life does throw us curve balls, gives us books that we do not wish to even turn the first page, much less read a whole chapter. But, how we deal with those curves in the road is really up to us. We learn to steer clear of potholes, we take the scenic route instead of the freeway where the traffic is scary and dangerous. We find our spirituality and let God guide our every step.

I will take time for myself....

I will learn new things....

I will lean on the everlasting strength that God provides....

I will not let dark corners of life engulf me...

I will stop and smell the roses...

There is bright light ahead, a dawning of a new day. Elbert can not walk with me on much of this new path. Although he is still with me in body, Alzheimers took the man I knew and loved away from me years ago. I cherish each and every moment I have left with him and I know that he would be the first to cheer me on as I walk into the light.

PONDERING THE ANSWER

2010-10-07T04:53:00.000-07:00

Let's see.... What was that you asked me?

Well, let's see.....

Rain. You asked if we'd had rain?

hummmm, don't recall but it's not raining today.

You ask silly questions so...........

I guess I will just read the newspaper. Says here that Southeast Virginia had a ton of rain last week.

Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory

2010-10-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

Elbert and I were in the living room waiting on lunchtime.He had been glad to see me this dreary Monday morning. So, we are sitting there and he is more talkative than he has been in a long time. But, I can't understand a word he is saying. He is inventing his own language. Sure wasn't Japanese... or Swahili or even English. Just sounds he was using to get his point across. They were Elbert sounds and that was music to my ears.

He grew quiet then I heard his soft voice humming a tune. I leaned nearer... yes, he was humming 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' and he hummed it all the way through.

Me, I am always pushing a little harder trying to get a little more out of him so I asked him to help me sing 'Amazing Grace'. He grew up on 'Amazing Grace' and has retained the wording of that good ole hymn .... until today.

I started it off 'Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me'.... He was singing, yes, the words were coming out. But, they were in his newly found language. Oh well, he knew the tune. That was something to rejoice about.

Great Visit

2010-09-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

Shirley and I buzzed down to see Elbert yesterday. As usual he was in rare form .... when he was focused. But, you just aren't going to get him to come back from his little world way out in space until he is ready. So, there are times of connecting and times I just pull my embroidery out and work while I wait for him to return.

He never ceases to amaze me and I am so overjoyed at getting any semblance of normalcy out of him I just find everything he says funny. I laugh a lot when I am with him and that is a good thing. Sometimes he knows he's being cute, too. And, of all things, Shirley was making a photo of him with her cell phone and the little stinker was 'posing'. Oh, yes, that man is still in there wandering around somewhere.

I had on a skirt with a rather 'loud' print in black and white. He looked at it and then commented 'That sure is black and white'. 'Yep' I said. and he came back with 'There's nothing you can do about it'. I laughed and laughed. Nope, there wasn't a thing I could do with that flowered print. He sure was right about that.

Seeing that he recognized his colors I decided to ask him if he could name our children. That was nowhere in his brain so it did not happen. So, I asked if he knew Elbert and Willie and did they go together. He said 'Well, part time they could'. That made me stop and think.... We are together part time now, he in the nursing home and me back home and we are together when I go visit. Could he have been referring to that? Did that little brain connector link up with another little brain connector and he knew we weren't together all the time? Wow.

One day when I visited he was sleeping in the bed. I gotta quit going to the nursing home late in the afternoon. That's his naptime. I shook him and asked him if he was sleeping. He begrudging nodded yes then he added, 'You can crawl in the bed with me if you want'. Ahhhh. sharing time.

Shirley showed her Dad a picture of the his great-grandson off her cell phone. You know those pictures are hard to see but he stared at it until the screen went black.

New Beginnings

2010-09-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

Elbert and I welcomed our second great-grandson into this world on Monday afternoon. A new beginning. He is so adorable. Of course, all great grandmothers would say that their little greats are the most beautiful babies ever. But, I sort of think you will forgive me for saying that Vann is just the most beautiful baby.

Following a month of Elbert's terrible illness and us nearly losing him here's comes little Vann and there is once again hope and love abounding in this family. Kenny, Bethany and Vann are home from the hospital now setting off on a journey of their own.

And, I am happy to report there is a new beginning for us older folks, too. Elbert is making some slow recovery but he is anxious to get out of that wheelchair so they asked yesterday if I would agree to their starting some physical therapy with him. Of course, I said yes.

My visit yesterday was really good. I wheeled him into a large tv, sitting room and we did manage to visit there for a few minutes then the room started filling up with residents. The activity director told me there was another smaller, very quiet living room down the hall and so we went there and talked some, he napped some and I even dragged out some embordiery I had taken with me. It was kind of like being at home.

The nurse said that they have started calling Elbert 'Dr. Barton'. Why, I asked. 'Oh' she said. 'After lunch he gets restless to get out of the wheelchair so we just wheel him into the nurses station and park him at the desk. He's written quite a few 'orders' for the residents here' (grin)

And, that is where I left him yesterday, sitting at the nurses desk, shuffling papers around. (gee whiz, I wish I'd had my camera with me) Let's see... how long ago was the drs. telling us it wouldn't be long and to prepare ourselves. Amazing God, amazing Elbert.... well, I've always known that!!

Days Past

2010-08-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's years and years and years since the Korean War. To think about that makes me feel so old. To tell the truth Elbert and I are in our sunset years. Back then we were young and foolish and in love.......and apart.

Elbert was a radioman aboard a ship

and it was his job (along with the other radiomen) to take and receive messages in teletype or morse code.

Sometimes the guys took a break

(look at the mustache on that handsome face. Only time he ever grew one)

And once Elbert got caught napping. (he wasn't on duty so he didn't get in trouble)

Until recently that man could still send morse code messages.... dit, dit, dot, dit. Even with his mind wrapped tightly with Alzheimers he remembered those codes. How strangely the brain gets tangled, all twisted and warped and then suddenly a light flickers for just a moment.... and his hand goes out to touch the key again dit, dit, dot, dit.

What is Life?

2010-08-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

Life.... a four letter word. Could be a good four-letter word or a bad one. It all depends.

Just exactly what is Life? A gift from God for sure and one we should be eternally grateful for.

In my American Heritage School Dictionary I find the definition:

Life: The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and nonliving matter, shown in the ability to grow, carry on metabolism, respond to stimuli and reproduce.

That tells me nothing other than life is just being. Tadpoles have life!! Life is so much more. The quality of life depends on blessings from above and our ability to put those blessings to work for the good of mankind (others, family, friends and for ourselves). If we do not, then life turns into a sour, useless void .

When life is nearing it's end how do we define the life we have lived? Can we say we honored the great gift of life by being and giving and loving or do we say it's been that useless waste?

I have been thinking about life lately as I watch Elbert's life ebb away. I can say for a certainty that he lived his life honorably, loving, giving. He took care of his family, he enjoyed life and living. He loved his God and he's been blessed. Now, that's the true meaning of LIFE.

Update

2010-08-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I was called late in the day that Elbert was being transferred to a nursing home. To me that says that the hospital had done all they could do for him.

I have been going down each day to visit. He's extremely weak and his speech isn't as clear as it was but he does make some sentences that are recognizable. He asked yesterday 'where is Mike?' Michael and his wife left a couple days ago. Did he remember that Michael had been here or was it a random thought connecting with memories in his head? I'd like to think that he remembered parts of the week long visit while Michael and Susan were here. But, then, of course, we hang on to what we want happen, not what is happening most times.

It just about broke my heart to leave him at the nursing home. A different reason, a different scenario than when we left him at Magnolia Manor. This seemed so final. At Magnolia there were people walking around, talking, watching tv, they seemed to have some 'life' left in them. At the nursing home the beds are filled with patients who are sick and maybe dying, wheelchairs go up and down the hallways. It's a sad, sad place. Shirley and I walked back to the car after leaving Elbert and just collapsed into each others arms and cried. Life has many twists and turns. This is one turn I just as soon not come upon.

We have to find a sunny place in all this sadness and we did..... Guess what.... no more Ms. Meany.

News

2010-08-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

This Alzheimers is something I just can't figure out. After the last post (with his kidneys not working properly and being told they were beginning to shut down) I asked that Elbert be put on 'comfort care'. He was moved to another part of the hospital and all ivs and meds taken away except fluids with a small amount of glucose. I was satisfied, especially so after the dr. agreed wholeheartly, that it was the right thing to do.

And, then.... God does perform miracles. His kidneys started with more output, his oxygen level got near normal and he started talking our ears off. And, what he said made sense. And, this from a man who had not communicated with us for months. We just had the best time yesterday.

When asked what football team he would root for ... his emphatic answer was 'Bama'. He talked about a pretty girl and when I asked if that was his wife he said, 'NO, it wasn't her'. hehe. He mentioned the county we used to live in, the town, our community and two cousins. He counted something in the air (make-believe) and once said something about something to see. I asked 'what' and he said, 'you know, S-E-E. Once he had my hand and started pulling it to his face. I asked, 'Are you going to kiss me' and he said, 'yes, if I could' so I bent down and we kissed. I was just amazed, excited and enjoying every minute yesterday. Finally late afternoon he dozed off. Worn out I guess.

Prayers were answered and I appreciate all of you and your loving care so much. God bless each and every one of you.

Update

2010-08-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

Wish the news was better but life is what it is. In the last few days I had been told by three of the staff at the hospital that Elbert was not going to get better. My gut feeling yesterday morning was that they were telling me the truth and they just confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Elbert had gotten severely dehydrated at Magnolia Manor and had been rushed to the hospital. It's been a devastating struggle so far.

I kept trying to see the doctor yesterday but it never happened. So, with what I knew and what I was being told I asked the nurse to put a request in for 'comfort care' for Elbert on his chart. The Doctor this morning said I had done the right thing. That is always reassuring to know we have done what we needed to do even if it is a difficult decision.

He had been in a 'step-down' unit but today they moved him to a regular room. The antibotics are gone as are any of his regular medications. He is being given halladol to try and keep him calm and morphine. And, we sit and watch and wait......

He has not been responsive to conversation on much of a level for quite awhile. But, amazingly enough, the last couple of days he has talked our heads off. He has tons of 'junk' as the cute little nurse puts it, in his throat so he is gurgling loudly. Hard to make out a lot of all this talking he's doing but we have understood all we need to. He has told us he loves us. He puckered up and kissed Marie on the cheek this morning. He smiled when told he is expecting a great-grandbaby and even arm wrestled with Shirley (He got her, too). It seems that he is doing all he can to make sure we know that we are loved. And, I know he feels the love he is being showered with. But, there comes a time in life when life must cease. I know that God will watch over me and the family as he gathers Elbert in His arms. I have already told God that it's 'okay' if He takes Elbert home.

On the other hand, Elbert is getting combative and very restless. He's hard to handle and we are getting worn out already but the end of the journey is yet down the road.

Elbert and I should have made it to our 60th wedding anniversary in December. It looks like we won't.

A Visit

2010-07-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Daughter Susan came down for a visit bringing our two grandsons, Griffin and Tighe. It had been too long since they had been for a visit. This visit for Griffin, I think, was a bit of a shock to see his Grandpa not even conversive. I felt badly for him, he so idolizes his Grandpa, says Grandpa is his hero.

When we arrived we found Elbert sitting on the sofa in the living room area with his arm around Louise and she's fast asleep. Elbert wasn't much better. I wondered how it affected Griffin (and Susan) to see their Dad/Granddad with his arm around another woman but I never asked. I thought it best be left alone.

We started to walk Elbert into the dining room so we all could sit at a table and visit. It was too close to dinnertime to take him all the way down to his room and back again. Well, he couldn't make but one or two steps and began falling. Thank goodness big strong grandson Griffin was there.... So, out came the wheelchair for Elbert. I found out that he had fallen twice already yesterday.

I am worried about how much longer they are going to deal with the falling. It's so frequent. And, one of these days he is going to break a bone ... or two or even more.

Elbert was a little more responsive once we got to the table. He didn't say much but did toss a ball back and forth with the grandchildren. And, arm-wrestled with Griffin. Griffin let his Granddad win.... twice. Good thinking, Griffin!!

It was getting close to dinnertime and residents started wandering in. One sat down next to Tighe who happened to be playing with 'Cranky' a crane in the Thomas the Train set.

She asked him what it was and Tighe, who is 2 1/2 said, 'it's Cranky'. 'Oh', she said, 'Tracy'. 'No, Cranky', Tighe corrects her. and she says 'Tracy' .... this goes on for awhile and Tighe is getting a bit ticked that this woman keeps calling his toy Tracy so he corrects her again. He's never ugly about it but just keeps up the No, Cranky response. She never got it!! It actually was funny. We were laughing at the two of them, one old lady and a little toddler arguing over a toy.

Whistle a Happy Tune

2010-07-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

The other day when I was posting about Elbert whistling all the time I knew that I did not have a picture of him in the act. But, lo and behold, while I was scanning some photos for daughter Shirley I found one. Just had to share. This was taken at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration.... Shirley was dancing with her Dad while he whistled the tune to her. Precious memories.

Blue Skies

2010-07-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Elbert was sitting in a recliner in the dining room all by himself. The tape player was playing oldies. I said hi and his smile warmed my heart. I pulled up a chair and took out the 'Birds and Blooms' magazine that I had just received. He commented particularly on the 'red birds' and 'the pretty flowers', looking through the pages twice. I was looking at the AARP magazine and found a picture of Andy Griffith. He enjoyed my chatter about the tv show and then I noticed he was singing along with the tape that was on. 'Blue Skies, smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.' Yep, the skies sure are bluer these days. He's more alert. I am loving it.

We put the magazines away and he was telling me some big tale about Walker County. It made no sense but he had mentioned the place we lived before we moved to Virginia. And, then he said something about 'old lady McCoy'. The McCoys owned a store in the community where Elbert grew up. His brain was pulling bits and pieces of old memories to the surface. Wow. He's not called anyones name, not even mine or the childrens much less anyone else, in a very long time.

Then along came a girl with a dog.... a labradoodle (did I spell that right?). Elbert always owned dogs but he had shown no interest in any therapy dog that had visited the home before . But, here he was, commenting on how pretty she was and his eyes followed her as she pranced about at the end of her leash.

Dinnertime was approaching and residents began to drift into the dining room. Mr. G. had been pacing back and forth trying to exit first one door then the other. He's been at the home maybe a month and is just not settled in yet. He stopped to ask Elbert if he knew the doors were locked and Elbert told him 'Yes, I've heard that'. Miss Cutie Pie (the 99 year old) came in and sat down at her table ready for food. I gave my goodbyes and headed home before Miss Meany made her appearance. Just better that way. (grin)

Roller Coaster Ride

2010-07-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Daughter Shirley visited Elbert Friday and came home telling me that he was not verbalizing much, kept his head down.... so different than what Marie and I had witnessed on Thursday. I was upset. Suppose that medicine (the Ritalin) was not working.

But, today Elbert was talkative and alert. He even mentioned his cousins that we used to live by. It was just the sir name that he recalled but he had not even thought about them for a very long time. So, I'm thrilled again.

Boy, this Alzheimers mess is a roller coaster ride. You go up, up, up climbing to the top and then there's a sudden crash to the bottom only to climb up again. Full of surprises, good and bad.

Oh, I wanted to mention that Elbert's sister has Alzheimers. She has recently been placed in a home after a long and very trying time for the family. I ask you remember them in your prayers, please.

Cloud Nine

2010-07-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Was today ever fun in The Garden!! Marie and I went for a visit and at our voice Elbert's head shot up and he smiled at us. And, for the entire visit we were just in awe at the change in that man. He was alert, engaging, funny.... nearly like he was a year ago. Elbert has been put on a trial test using ritilin. Never heard that used for Alzheimers before. It's for ADD but it is working and I'm not complaining one iota. I just hope that it continues to keep him alert.... and fun....

Martha, the director, came by with ice cream.

He would not decide which flavor he wanted and finally told her he'd take both. That was so like him, the man who used to eat anything and everything was not going to turn anything away. So, she gave him chocolate. He would not feed himself so I started scooping spoonfuls and fed him.

Nearly to the finish line with the ice cream race, he announced he had to make a potty run. I laughed at him so hard when he came out of the bathroom. He was always such a jokester so it was great to see a little of that in him again. As he walked toward me he was scratching one side (like you do when you are imitating a monkey) so I said, 'I have found me a monkey' to which he very snappily replied, 'no, I've found me one' and pointed right at me... and he smiled. Oh my, how I loved it.

He continued saying funny little things. He looked through two picture albums (before today he would turn a couple pages and then lay it aside.... more progress).

He filled his cheek full of air so I started punching it and as the air would escape he'd make this big whooshing sound. You could tell he was having fun.

When we got ready to leave I leaned over and asked for a kiss and that little stinker would NOT kiss me. See that silly little grin on his face.

He'd make smacking sounds with his lips and grin but he would not lean over for a real kiss. I asked, 'you not going to kiss me?' and he shook his head no. Okay, dokey.... buddy you asked for it for I gave him a big one.

Another residents wife came by and said,
'I have to tell you. As I started into the Garden to visit Glenn (her husband) I could see your husband and Glenn standing in the hall just chatting up a storm. So I stayed just outside the door and watched. It was so good to see'.
I appreciated her sharing that with me so much. It affirmed my feelings that this med may be the answer to our prayers.

I left that place feeling like I was on cloud nine. They had told me that when they started the ritalin they weren't sure which way it would go.... would it work? would it not? They also told me he is staying awake a lot more, walking up and down the halls, talking more. Great news. I just pray so hard that he continues to be more like he used to be.

Milk Shake and a song

2010-07-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

As Shirley and I were out and about yesterday we swung by to visit with Elbert. We had bought us each a strawberry milkshake at Sonic and got Elbert a chocolate one. Didn't want the strawberry chunks to get caught in his straw. Shirley asked 'Dad, you want a milkshake?' His eyes flew open and he nodded his head. He put the straw in his mouth and didn't take it out. Well, I thought to myself, he doesn't know how to pull that liquid up through the straw but Shirley said, 'Mom, his adams apple is going up and down. He's swallowing'. Wow.... After a few short minutes we heard the slurping sound of straw pulling just air up, no shake left in the cup. He looked diasappointed. I had some still in my cup so I asked him if he wanted the rest of mine. Yes, a big yes. So, he down that as well. I think he would have sat there for an hour drinking milk shakes if we had anymore. I will always remember how much enjoyment he got and I promise to bring shakes to him more often.

Bump on the ole Noggin.

2010-07-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Elbert got a knot on his head Tuesday night. Fell again. So, I headed over Wednesday morning to see how he was doing. There he was sitting at the table in the dining room eyes closed but he smiled at me when I spoke to him and I actually got a bit of conversation out of him for a half hour and then he closed those eyes again and was out like a light. But, talking was fun for a little while. He seemed briefly interested when I mentioned that it was cooler outside. I even started naming off places we had lived when he was in the Navy and when I was finished I asked if he remembered any of them and he nodded his head. Now, to tell you the truth, I don't know if he remembers anything about his Navy days or any other days but it was comforting to me to have that response out of him. If he only knew what an appropriate word or two means to me............ but I take what I can get and ask for nothing else.

Oh Geez

2010-06-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

My visit with Elbert yesterday was tough. When I got there he was sitting in a chair in the living room sound asleep and nobody could rouse him from his slumber. I sat waiting and occasionally I would try to talk to him but he was out like he's been hit by a truck. A half hour later (it seemed longer) I got him awake enough to move him to the couch with me and soon he slid sideways, leaning toward me.

'Do you want to put your head on my shoulder' I asked.

He nodded so I positioned myself to where he could rest his head and that is how we stayed for an hour and a half. We were holding hands and sometimes he'd rub my leg with his other hand. And, once his hand got to my knee. Now, I am very ticklish about my knees and he used to do that just to hear me squeal.

I asked, 'Are you tickling my knee?'

No response

I asked again and this time he nodded very slightly and smiled. A glimmer of remembrance perhaps.

Yep, yesterday was an oh geez sort of day. I was chatting with one of the staff as we had waited for him to wake up and she said that he sleeps nearly all the time now. I know that some of that time it appears that he is asleep when he just does not want to join the world around him. And, I know, too, that sleeping in a symptom of later stages of Alzheimers. She also told me that the man that I knew, the one who would eat anything and everything is now not eating nearly as much. That's a concern. They've even tried to feed him but he clamps his mouth shut and shakes his head. This too is a symptom of later stages.

So, I came home depressed and worried. It was almost as if he had laid his head on my shoulder knowing that soon he would not be able to do that. No one has a clue as to how long Alzheimer's patients live as each patient is different. I just feel like we have taken one more step toward that door.

Whistle a Happy Tune

2010-06-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Did you ever turn on the tv and hear Andy Griffith whistling as he and Opie headed down to the fishing hole? You can still see those programs on one of the cable channels. Sometimes when I am sitting with Elbert I turn it on just to recall happier times.

After Elbert retired from his job teaching in 1990 he took up the habit of whistling everywhere he went. He was just such a happy person, always satisfied with what life had to dish out and he expressed that by whistling. I knew the minute he walked in the back door. I could hear his whistling before I heard the door creak open. It was such a joyful sound.

Then, one day the whistling stopped. He seems to have forgotten how to purse his lips to make a tune come out. Or perhaps he has forgotten the tunes altogether. Our world we live in is silent now and I miss that whistling husband a whole bunch.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

2010-06-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to the Father of my children. We all love you and wish you the best on this day of celebrating Dads.

Marie and her Dad enjoying rocking outside 'The Cracker Barrel'

Susan and Shirley getting big hugs from their Dad

Michael and his Dad checking out a display in Kansas City.

Old Mother Hubbard

2010-06-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was sitting with Elbert at The Garden today and was watching the activity about me. And, I got to thinking about how much The Garden is like a houseful of children. Seventeen of them!!! Old Mother Hubbard and her shoe full of little kiddies.

Some of them wear depends (diapers), some of them need help walking, some are toddering along on their own,

Some were babbling (you couldn't understand a word they said much like little babies cooing) Some are wanting ice cream (chocolate, please), every single one of them needed taking to the bathroom before mealtime. One had slipped down in her chair and needed uprighting, one had lost a shoe. 'Diddle diddle dumpling my son John went to bed with his stockings one, one shoe off the other shoe on. ' Some of them had been playing games, and some (including Elbert) was napping very nicely!!

I just admire those caring souls who are so willing to care for all seventeen of them with whatever they might need. It's amazing.

ADAM and EVE IN THE GARDEN

2010-04-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day with Elbert. The temp was in the mid 80s so I found him and the other residents in the courtyard enjoying the sunshine. After lunch we sat down on the love seat in the living area and I asked him if he wanted me to read some out of his Bible to him and he said yes. So, I scooted down to his room to retrieve the Bible he used the last few years of his ministry.

I started reading Psalms and my reading caught the attention of a couple other residents and they listened for a bit. They particularly liked Psalm 23 for it was a memory from long ago and quite recognizable to them, even in their confused state.

The new 'residents' of the Garden joined right in by singing for us. They are two parakeets and they are named 'Adam' and Eve' since they now live in 'The Garden'.

The more I read aloud, the louder they sang. It was quite a challenge to make myself heard over their cheerful notes. But, that was alright. They are such pretty birds and their singing fills the air with music.

Louise (Elbert's 'friend') was restless today and she gave me quite a scare more than once. When I went down to Elbert's room I knew he was sitting on the love seat back in the living room area... Imagine how startled I was to have someone say 'hello' as I walked into the room. Yep, it was Louise sitting on Elbert's bed. She wasn't having any of going back to the living room with me so I left her there knowing she'd soon follow, which she did.

Later I had scooted out on the edge of my seat so I could face Elbert to talk to him when all of a sudden a hand started going up my back. It was Louise. You see, I was taking up all of Elbert's time and she was moving in on us big time. But, as I prepared to leave I passed the rocker she was sitting in and she grabbed my hand and said, 'my name is Louise' so I told her my name. She kissed my hand so I gave her a hug. Then I gave Elbert a big hug and a kiss and told him I'd see him later.

Church

2010-04-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

Today it hit me why I have so much trouble attending church. Elbert has been a member of the Primitive Baptist Church since he was 17 years old. I joined after we had been married for several years (the children were small) so attending church is something that we always did together. After he became an ordained minister our church attendance was something that was a true bond between us.

Then came the Alzheimer's and as we struggled through years of first one trial after another where I could not take him out publicly we sat home on Sunday, listening to church hymns and an occassional sermon on the tape player. He loved the soothing sound of the singing but it got to where he could not comprehend the words from the preacher.

Once Elbert was placed in Magnolia Manor I started going back to church some. But, I found it very difficult to go alone, not having him sitting beside me or me listening to him in the pulpit preaching. And, I would be somewhat relieved when something would come up to prevent me from going. (sickness, bad weather, bad driving conditions etc).

Today when I got to church I sat down in the pew where I always sat with Elbert, picked up my hymnal, opened my mouth to sing and the tears started to flow. I didn't want anyone to notice so I tried to hold them in check but that was impossible. The notes coming out of my mouth were garbled and off-key. So, I made a retreat for the bathroom and tried talking to myself. 'Look you. There are members out in that congregation that have buried their loved ones and they are sitting there singing. Now, dry your eyes and go back out there'. So, I dried my eyes and went back out there but the tears just would not stop. And, clear as a bell, as if someone had spoken to me I heard the words, You are not supposed to be here alone.

No, Elbert and I are supposed to go to church and a lot of other places together. But, thanks to this awful Alzheimers we never will again. I am very sad today and depressed and alone and I could just curl up and die.

However, tomorrow the sun will come up and shine and I will get in the car and go see Elbert and then, perhaps then, I will feel better.

A ROOSTER IN A HEN HOUSE

2010-03-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I pushed in the code, opened the door and started down the hall toward Elbert's room. Something looked different. Hey, there's women stuff in Chester's room. Guess Chester isn't coming back. He had a fall some time ago and had to go to the hospital. I kept looking for him to get well so he could come back. You see, he and Elbert were the only two men in The Garden unit at Magnolia along with 15 women. Man, they had it made, all that female attention, only Chester was often gruff and disconnected. He could be a sweetheart if you handled him right, though.

Seems Elbert is the only rooster in the hen house now. He's gonna have to watch out for those doting females. Ruth was his first 'friend' but she was soon replaced by Louise who still has top dibs on Elbert's affection.

I know that one of these days I am going to get a call that Elbert has fallen and broken a bone or two and then his passage in time will go like Chester's has. In The Garden one day, the hospital next and then to the 'convalescent home'. It's coming. I am a realist and I must brace myself for the eventuality but I just don't like to think about it.

Handsome fellow

2010-03-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

After days of my being at the beach and not seeing Elbert I did not know what I would find. But, there he was sitting in his rocking chair watching Bonanza on tv.

I did not have my camera and here was this handsome guy just needing his picture taken. He had on kaiki pants, a light blue shirt and a knitted dark blue vest. Hair combed, looking good. His eyes were brighter than I'd seen them in awhile and he did talk some.

Lordy, did he talk....

Getting out of his chair 'I gotta change my pants'

'Why' I ask

'Gotta go met the guys'

'Where'

'Out in the wild woods'

Oh, he thinks he's going hunting. In the wild woods? Wonder what it was that those guys did in years past in the wild woods!! hmmmm

SPRING

2010-03-11T04:42:00.000-08:00

Is Spring really here? It was such a gorgeous day yesterday and as I sat visiting with Elbert I wondered if he missed getting out and digging in the garden and flower beds. I wanted to take him for a drive but it's been quite awhile since he has noticed anything as we drove along the roadside. That's so sad. He did so love the out-of-doors. He'd head out first thing in the morning and I'd scarcely see him until it got too dark for him to see anything. Those days are over.

Yesterday I asked him if he remembered plowing an old mule one time and although he nodded I doubt that he does. We'd moved to the country and he wanted a big corn field. He got it planted with his tractor but when the corn grew tall he thought he needed to plow between the rows (why I don't know). We had an old plow but no horse or mule to pull it with. So, he borrowed a mule from his cousin.

Now, mules are stubborn, that is true, but this one had a double dose of stubbornness. Elbert fought that mule to keep it under subjection and he was totally worn out long before he'd finished plowing that patch. The mule would take one step, stop, turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his right, take another step, stop, turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his left. I am surprised we had any corn left after all that. It was the last time Elbert used a mule for anything.... and the last big corn patch we had.

Just remembering things like that is painful to me. It brings tears to my eyes but it's all I have of Elbert.

A good day

2010-03-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

Elbert and I spend some time yesterday looking at 80 plus photos taken in 2005 that I had finally had developed at Rite Aid. He was alert, enjoyed looking at the pictures, turned them over to see if I had written on the back of each one. He always seemed to recognize himself in the image, but not others. Oh well, I had fun pointing out different ones of the family and remembering better times.

A couple days ago I had a call from the Dr. that sees the residents at Magnolia once a week. He's trying to figure out how to keep Elbert from falling. Change in meds? Trying to keep him awake during the day (yeah, you try that. ha) And, he said that he thought Elbert would be better supervised in the 'nursing home' side. That really took me by surprise and pretty much upset me.

So, I dropped into the head nurses office as I left yesterday. They assured me that it was just the Dr. thinking aloud about what it might take to protect Elbert from being hurt. And, that they had never discussed his falling being a problem or that he might need extra care. They reminded me that even though there is less staff at Magnolia there also are less residents and less residents that require constant care in the nursing home setting, so that Elbert is fine right where he is. Wow, that's a relief. That Dr. needed to have put his thoughts into different words. I was worried that the next step (that of having to move Elbert into a nursing home) was imminent. Now, I can relax and enjoy those good days that we have on occassion.

Friday's Visit

2010-02-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. Sun shining brightly, a bit of nip in the air. When I got to the Garden all the residents were in the day room sitting in a circle doing yoga. Elbert had tired already and was sitting with his eyes closed. Oh, how often he does that!! But, when I walked up behind him he leaned back and said 'I love you'. Major!!! He hadn't even seen who it was. Hey, wait a minute... maybe he thought it was Louise. Just kidding.

The director, Martha, said he'd had a great morning and then she started singing 'The Old Rugged Cross'.
'On a hill far away'.... then she paused and Elbert picked right up and carried on.. 'stood an old Chevrolet'. Don't ask me where that came from but it drew laughter where laughter is much needed.

We sat on the couch after yoga just enjoying each others company. He'd talk some, mainly about his 'work' and about the 'children'. Subjects so familiar to him in years gone by. In awhile daughter Shirley came down the hall. He took a minute to focus then said with a smile, 'Shirley'. Recognition!! Yippee. Yes, he was having a great day.

I'll do it myself

2010-02-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

I sure miss Elbert's positive nature, his whistling, his happiness at nothing and everything, his love and caring. I sure miss a lot of things. Besides all those 'nice' things that he was, I miss all those little jobs he did for us like

Taking the garbage out
Getting our taxes done
Making us a garden so we'd have veggies to eat
Taking the car to be serviced and gassed up
Mowing the lawn
Digging holes for planting plants or for removing dead ones
Running to the store when I'd need something
Weeding my flower beds
Washing my dishes for me
Helping me with the driving on a long trip
Always getting our mail for us
Helping pay the bills
Washing the car
Raking leaves in the Fall
Bringing in all the Christmas decorations from the storage building
and much, much more

Now I do most of these chores by myself. The life of an Alzheimer's patients spouse is a lonely one, a sad one.

A BIRTHDAY PARTY

2010-02-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

A quiet celebration. A big milestone. # 80. He was very subdued and silent when we gathered in the private dining room electing to keep that head down, eyes closed... to shut out the fact that something was required of him to be aware of his surroundings, to be a part of a world that he can no longer figure out.

The dancing devil doll that Shirley gave him brought him out of it for a bit... The thing was loud and silly and such fun, lights flashing in it's cheeks, hips and arms twisting to the music 'Do You Love Me'. Enough to bring a smile to his face and a glimmer of fun into his eyes.

A birthday card from his sister in law that yodeled also grabbed his attention.

The lap throw daughter Marie had made for him with a fox hound, hunting horn and fox on it seemed to get some appreciation.

There was a pretty shirt and socks, and balloons, too. And, a cake Shirley had made.

The food was good. I mean, that man does love to eat and he wasn't about to turn down fried chicken, green beans and potato salad. He even had room for a piece of chocolate cake and ice cream. By this time he was tiring, his tummy full.

I asked grandson Ken to help me get him back into the Garden (the memory wing where he lives now) We sat him in a chair in the living room. A few moments later as Shirley and John walked by she threw up her hand and called, 'Hey Dad'. 'Hey Girl' he responded 'What you been doing today?' The birthday celebration had already escaped his memory. But, it will live on in our minds and hearts for a long, long time.

I WONDER

2010-01-31T13:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder if Elbert has seen the snow. Roads too bad to go see him so I enjoy the white wonderland by myself and wonder if he has even seen it.

I HATE ALZHEIMERS

2009-12-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

I went to visit with Elbert this morning. Hadn't seen him in a week. He was in the day room where several of the residents were doing some activities. I had taken along a magazine 'Birds and Blooms' and he enjoyed looking at the beautiful pictures. I did a crossword puzzle and asked him questions about the clues but that was above his comprehension. We did enjoy our time together.

Lunchtime came. Elbert was seated at the table where he always eats. Gladys soon came in her wheelchair and got in place across from him. I saw Louise coming. She looked at me, then at Elbert. Uh oh, I thought to myself. But, what happened took me by surprise and touched my heart so much. I'll never forget it.

She asked, 'Have I seen you before?'

I said 'Yes'.

She poked Elbert gently on the shoulder (we were standing behind his chair).

'Do you know him?' she asked me.

I said 'Yes'.

'Who is he?' she wanted to know.

'He's my husband'.

Gladys, who is seldom quiet, piped up, 'I thought he was my boyfriend'.

I said, 'No, he's my husband. We've been together for 59 years'.

Louise is standing there taking it all in. She looked confused, uncertain. 'That's time enough to get to know each other', she says.

Then her head dropped, 'I wonder where my husband is' she said.

Wow, that got me. Here I am, my dear husband within inches of me and she no longer has hers. He died several months ago. I turned and put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me. 'I bet your daughter knows where he is' I said hoping that would be of some comfort.

'I don't know what I am supposed to be doing' she said. 'Can you call my daughter?'

So I tell her it's lunchtime, why don't we sit down to eat.

'Oh, I have no money, 'she says.

'Guess what', I replied. 'It's a surprise. It's free today'.

She smiles but then she again complains that she doesn't know what she is supposed to be doing. She looks so lost and tears come to my eyes. I hear in her voice the confusion of not knowing where she is, where her family is, what she will do when it gets dark, what she should do right now.

I hate Alzheimers. I hate it for me and Elbert and I hate it for Louise and I hate it for the others that have it and their families. This is not fair. I set her down at her table and tell the nurse, 'she's confused'. DUH... what a lame statement. It meant nothing but I had to say something. Then I turned, kissed Elbert and headed home.

Communication

2009-12-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

Alzheimer's patients have their own way of communicating. Some do not communicate at all, anymore. Some have a language all their own and some have trouble finding words to fit their thought process. Just depends on the stage of Alzheimers they are in.

Elbert has trouble finding words. Gracie (a fellow resident of Elberts) mumbles all the time. Gladys tells everyone what to do. Louise has reverted back to her native language (Norweigan). Somehow they all get their message across.

When I visited yesterday I took Elbert over to the love seat so we could sit together and I could show him some pretty Christmas magazine pictures. He was half looking as I thumbed through, pointing out a pretty decorated tree or children with gifts. His attention span isn't the greatest in the world. But, I was trying in my own small way to make a connection.

Remember Louise... she's the sweet lady who thinks Elbert is her deceased husband. So, here comes Louise. She heads straight for the love seat jabbering Norweigan all the way. She leans down to me telling me something and I say 'speak English' but she continues as she is. Then she points for me to move. Her method of communication is quite clear.

When I don't get up and sit in the other chair she tries to scoot down between Elbert and the arm of the loveseat. No room. I don't move. So, she sits down on the arm, takes Elbert's hand in her own. Claiming property. I just smile. Oh, she wants me to move so badly. She has made that very clear. I suggest that she sit in the nearby chair but she is not giving up. Then one of the staff spies her. 'Louise, come here'. She doesn't move. So, they get her and take her to a chair. She gets up. They place her into another chair and finally she calms down and begins to nap.

I could have moved. I could have given her what she wanted but my time with Elbert is limited and it was my turn. Louise can sit next to him when I am home.

Remembrances

2009-12-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

Woke up to a foggy morning. Didn't want to move out of bed so I lay there, my mind filled with thoughts and remembrances. I am one blessed woman. How in the world do I deserve all these wonderous things that have happened to me? I have no idea but I'd like to share a few thoughts with you today.

I remember meeting a young man who was tall, dark and handsome and filled my heart with love

I remember our wedding morning, a cold December day, and how we rode in the back seat of his cousins car on our way to my Moms house, and him pointing out mistletoe growing in a tree.

I remember sitting behind him in a military plane high over the Pacific Ocean in a terrible storm, me with the baby, he with the toddler, and somehow knowing we were going to be alright. (Our eldest was seated with sailors across the aisle). I always felt safe with him.

I remember the whistling as he came in the back door, always. The whistling has stopped now. Oh, how I miss it.

I remember how much he always loved our children .... and all children. Now, when nothing else will, the sight of a small child brings a smile to his face.

I remember how he would walk up behind me when I was at the sink washing dishes, to slip his arms around me to kiss me.

I remember how he looked in his Navy uniform. That always made my heart go pitty-patter.

I remember the raisin cake he baked for me when I was sick once.

I remember our 50th wedding anniversary and how excited he was buying and presenting me with an anniversary ring.

I remember him coming into the house early in the springtime with a tiny bluette flower held between his large fingers. I'd find my thimble to put it in.

I, too, remember the day we took him to Magnolia Manor. But, I won't go there with that memory today. Instead I will head over to see him.

Yes, what memories. Those are just a few. At least I have those to hang onto.

Anniversary

2009-12-10T15:26:00.000-08:00

Fifty nine years ago today it was a cold and clear day in Mississippi. Elbert and I were married by a justice of the peace in Columbus and then we headed back to Alabama. We were such youngsters, didn't know a thing about life and could care less. We've learned a lot throughout these years.

Today I bought myself a burger and fries (and a drink) just before I got to Magnolia Manor. It was in a little brown paper bag. I walked into the end door and Elbert was there, with a bunch of residents having just enjoyed a Christmas program. He and I walked back to The Garden and I kissed him on the cheek and asked him if he knew what day it was. Nope. It was just another day for him. It was just another day for me, too, but at least we were spending it together.

The girls came around putting place mats on the tables and the food cart was wheeled in. Today's meal was fried chicken, scalloped potatoes and green beans. Smelled great. I reached over and dragged my little brown paper bag in front of me. My burger and fries were a tad cold by now. I cut Elbert's chicken up for him and we sat together and ate our anniversary meal.

Following lunch we had entertainment. I'd like to think that it was 'just for us', you know, in celebration of our big day but it was in celebration of Christmas and Christ's birth. The Isle of Wight Glee Club sang songs for us.

Halfway through the performance Elbert nodded off. Poor thing. He just has his days and nights mixed up. When the last song was sung I led Elbert back into the Garden wing and deposited him in a comfy wingback chair, kissed him on the top of his head and came home.

Fifty nine years.... as he would say... 'and with the same woman'. and he'd grin when he'd say it. I asked him today if he'd do it again and he said yes he would. That's celebration enough for me.

Reflections on 59 years

2009-12-07T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having a little bit of trouble of late. Trying so hard to take care of everything, mostly by myself. Bills to pay, pills to take, floors to sweep and beds to make. It's hard when you are all alone to think about why you have to do things for people, living out a life in solitude yet connected to others outside these walls.

Who cares if the floors are dusty and I sometimes do not make my bed. I might want to crawl back into it. My toes get cold and I shiver so the quilts I have made cover me to make me warm. Elbert was always like a heater and I could snuggle close to feel his love and his warmth but he isn't here to keep me warm. He's nice and toasty where he lives these days. Why, I ask myself. Why try so hard to do so much. It all seems useless and then I know the answer.

Generations before me are gone but generations are coming behind me. The children, the grandchildren and the great-grands. I must struggle on to set an example for them, to show them that love is abiding even though Elbert and I are apart. That we are going to celebrate 59 years of a wonderful marriage this coming Thursday.

Has it been 59 years, Lord? It seems like yesterday that we eloped. In todays world this younger generation needs to know that 'through sickness and in health' means just that. Now, Elbert and I are aging and the years are adding up but I must get busy..... pay my bills, take my pills, sweep my floors and even make my bed. The younger generation is watching.

1950 2009

Christmas party at Magnolia.

2009-12-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

What a sweet evening to spend with my hubby. The food was great,

the music fantastic (as Elbert said, 'they are doing great') and Marie and I were very happy that Elbert was alert and having the time of his life.

Elbert and I even danced to Hogie Carmichael's 'Stardust'. Now, you young folks aren't gonna know who Hogie was but that's ok. He wrote some really great dance music in his time.

A trip to the dr. earlier in the afternoon was good news. The medication for the blood clot (and swelling) is working. Doc says he'll check Elbert again 'after the weather gets warmer... maybe springtime,' he says.

You just can't have it much better than that. As the evening wore on I'd look at Elbert and just want to slip him out the door and bring him home. Then, I'd remember that doing such a thing would not be the best idea I've ever had. However, I will have the memories of last night and the Magnolia Manor Christmas party with me forever.

Thanksgiving Day

2009-11-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Day was filled with thankfulness and sadness and tears and joy. What an emotional roller-coaster ride it was for me. I surely wasn't prepared for that ride. It just happened as I moved through the events of the day.

My trip over to see Elbert was the thankfulness and joy part. We had a good lunch and as always he ate it all. That man does love to eat.

Daughter Marie came in just as Elbert and I were finishing up our meal. After lunch we went back to Elbert's room and Marie called her daughter who lives in Arizona. The phone was put up to Elbert's ear and he chatted a bit with his oldest grandchild for awhile.

Now, here comes the sadness and tears part. Elbert and I have spent many, many Thanksgivings at Shirley and John's house with their family, extended family and yesterday I walked up those back steps alone. Brittany and Chris were helping their Mom finish up the cooking. Ken and his wife, Bethany, had come over as well. So far, so good. I was doing alright and, then Shirley asked me to bless the food and right in the middle of it I totally lost it and ran for solitude, tears streaming down my cheeks. You see, Elbert always graced our Thanksgiving meal and the realization that he could not ever do that again was more than I could bear.

John came to comfort me and we cried together because Elbert was not there. Thanksgivings and Christmases will never be the same for any of us. Ever again.

WHAT WE ARE DEALING WITH

2009-11-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

The trip to the cardiologist yesterday...................

A trip for an ultra sound today................

Seems to be a pattern in this.

After the ultra sound was done, the nurse came out and said that 'yes, there is a blood clot in that left leg'.

Here is what we are dealing with. The leg doesn't look as bad in the picture as it really is.

But, look at his foot. It looks like a giant yam.

Poor baby, it must be so uncomfortable. It was all I could do to get his socks and shoes on after his procedure was finished. They have started him on medication to try and dissolve that clot.

SWEETNESS LINGERS ON

2009-11-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

'We have to wait on them' he says as I put Elbert into the car. We are headed to the cardiologist but he thinks his 'family at the Manor' should go with us.

'No', I said. 'it's just me and you today. We are going to the doctor.'

'We are going off and leaving them' he says and his face is filled with trepidation.

His new friends and his surroundings at Magnolia Manor are his world now. Isn't it wonderful that he isn't stressed out about being there and that he loves and looks after his fellow residents. He's such a sweetie.

Lazy Saturday

2009-10-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

He was sitting in a wing chair, his head back, fast asleep.

I walked up to him and put my face in front of his.

'Hello' I said

He opened his eyes, smiled and said 'Hi'

We sat side by side.

'It's Saturday' he says

'October the 3rd'.

Wow, I'm really impressed but then I see that he is reading the poster they change daily to announce to the residents what day it is. It gives the date, the day of the week and what the weather is, rain or sunny. Today is sunny. At least he can read. That's good.

We chat a bit. A DVD of Ozzie and Harriett is playing but he's not interested. The aide brings cold water to drink and later a small cup of ice cream. I find a kleenex in my purse to wipe up the chocolate drips on his shirt and pants. He dozes off. I wake him to tell him I am leaving, again my face right in front of his.

'I'm going now,' I say.

'Bye' he says and adds 'where are you going?' I say I have errands to run. As I leave I look back to see him fast asleep once more.

My Buddy

2009-09-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday just after lunch I walked into the Garden. Elbert had just finished his lunch. His face lit up when he saw me and he came toward me with arms outstretched 'My buddy' he said.

MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC

2009-09-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, those good ole songs, like 'In The Mood', 'Harbor Lights', 'Chattanooga Choo Choo' and many others that make the foot pat and the hands clap.

That was the fun Elbert, Shirley and I had last night as Magnolia Manor celebrated their 20th anniversary. Elbert sat waiting with anticipation. He knew something was going to happen, he just wasn't sure what it would be.

The music began and Elbert got right 'into' it, smiling, patting his foot, keeping time with his hands. He even named a few of the songs as they played.

Elbert always applauded each song. Look at that slight smile on his face.

Break time and goodies to eat. Even though Elbert had eaten his dinner already he dived right into my and Shirley's plates.

'I think I'll have one of your chicken wings, Shirley, and how about a drink of your coke?' He was having so much fun eating and enjoying himself and Shirley and I just loved watching him.

I had requested that the band play 'Harbor Lights', a song Elbert and I had loved during our dating days when he was often at sea and I was on the shore waiting. I led him out to the hallway where there was more room and got him to dance with me but he had trouble making his feet follow the music. Oh well, he held me in his arms again. That was enough.