Sunday, March 18, 2012

Time for Goodbyes

Life seems to be full of hellos and goodbyes. How delightful it would be to just say hello and goodbye was never a word to deal with.

I said goodbye to my sweetie years ago as I watched his mind slowly succumb to the ravages of Alzheimers. It was what they call a 'long goodbye'. Then, there was the final goodbye.

It was a year ago Jan. 3rd that we lost him. Tough year. I have struggled and struggled to find my way out of that deep, dark hole. I have had help from so many wonderful friends and of course, my family. But, I realized recently that I was not feeling good about this blog anymore. It dragged up so much out of me, remembering all the pain. There is a saying 'You can't move forward, if you keep looking back'. or something like that. I have gotten to a point in my life where I need to move forward.

Don't think for one minute that I don't miss Elbert as much as I did a year ago. I will always love and miss him terribly. Yesterday was a rough day, I cried alot just remembering all our wonderful times together. I got depressed. I was sad. And, I felt myself falling down in that dark hole again. To save myself and my sanity I must keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I have decided to close this blog. It's just too difficult. HOWEVER.... I would never want to lose my friends that I have made here. I just hope you will hop on over to my other blog Living Life On Main Street. We will move forward together and that would make me happy. You all have been the dearest and most loyal friends. I wish you all the best as you continue on your struggle and hopefully I'll see you commenting and keeping me updated on Living Life on Main Street.

God Bless each of you.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Our Trip To The Beach

Twice a year Shirley and I go to the beach for a week of scrapbooking with about 20 women. We look forward to it so much and this year was no exception. But, all the best laid plans of mice and men and women who crop ... well, you know how that goes. Nothing seemed to go right this year. We probably should have just stayed home.
                                    (this picture was made last Oct.)

We arrived Monday around noon. A few of the gals were already there and Shirley and I got settled down to working on our scrapbooks. It was a small room, no view to speak of, couldn't hear the ocean waves or see the water except for a sliver from the upstairs room window. Restaurants were closed and we liked to have never found a place to eat.

And, eating got Shirley into a ton of trouble!! We ate Monday night and she woke up Tuesday morning with her throat swollen nearly shut, she could barely swallow, she was having chills and a fever. She did continue to stay up until 5:30 that afternoon, went to sleep and was not able to get up until 9 the next morning. So, we headed home and a doctor visit for her.

The night we ate out, she had eaten some habanero peppers that were hidden in some mango salsa and had a severe allergic reaction. There's a name for it but I don't remember what it is. The doctor said next time, she'd go into shock so she is now equipped with an epi-pen to carry with her, just in case. Boy, that was scary. Glad we are back home and she is slowly recovering.

So, no... the beach trip was not a good time for us. Maybe next time.

Friday, March 9, 2012

It's a rainy day and I was just sitting here thinking.......

Remembering days (and years) past. There are times I feel like I have climbed to the top of the stairs and then I stumble and go plunging down, around and around into that big black hole

and tears come and I feel such a hole in my heart.

I miss his smile!!
He was always smiling, so happy, so much fun. Gee, I miss that.

I miss his hugs....

He loved people. And, he could be such a kid.

How did this happen? We were supposed to grow old together ... But years of Alzheimers stole him from me. He'd always been there for me and I cared for him for those long trying years. I found out one thing about myself...

I will pick myself up, climb those stairs again and start all over, taking one day at a time. It's been 14 months since he left ....

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Another Inspiration

This is the last in the series of Widows Who Have Inspired Me. 

I could not possibly do that series without mentioning Nancy Reagan.

I was impressed with Nancy long before she lost her Ronnie. They had a devotion to each other that is seldom seen and I really admired that. People griped and complained about her while Pres. Reagan was in office and that must have hurt her deeply. But, how very deep must have been the pain as she watched her husband's brilliant mind just waste away and then to have him gone from her forever. We widows/widowers have experienced pain like that.

I remember her during the long, difficult and very tiring funerals. Flying back and forth across country, being on public display with your grief. Her demeanor was impecable. She showed such grace, such strength. She inspired me beyond measure.

I own her book 'Love You, Ronnie', the collections of letters and notes that her Ronnie had written to her over the years. I love to read that book. And, I am so happy that I have my own collection of letters my dearest sweet husband wrote me over the years. Here is a picture of him writing to me right after we first met. He's the guy on the right. Oh wow... that was an eon ago.